July 14, 2024

Ted’s Sandlot Rankings

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With the Fourth of July coming up, and it being a hot ass summer, I found some AC and rewatched the Sandlot. A movie that is easily in my top five most watched movies of all time. Because the world loves ranking things, I’ve made a ranking article, technically, a double ranking article which makes it a super original idea. We’re going to explore the ways the Sandlot crew tried to get the ball back from the beast. (If only they had just gone to the door and asked Mr Mertle!) Also, I am going to rank the sandlot players. In a twist this will not be a slideshow (wow what a novel concept) but just a ranking as me Uncle Ted sees fit. Don’t try to bring logic into these rankings because your brain will just hurt. So here we go – through the starting nine players of the Sandlot Crew.

9. Kenny “The Heater” DeNunez (Pitcher)

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Let’s get into it. Kenny is just in this movie because the team needs a pitcher. They claim he is the second best player of the group but they don’t really show anything that backs this up. He isn’t involved in any memorable way during the attempts at getting the baseball back from the beast. I mean I guess he did pitch the ball that the guts get knocked out of….

8. Tommy “Repeat” Timmons (Right Field)

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Ted Flint | The Tailgate Society

Tommy is the younger brother of Timmy who we will get to later in the list. Best part with him in the movie is his reaction to Squints kissing Wendy Peffercorn, the lifeguard, which the less we say about in 2024 the better. Because Squints, what the fuck, depending on the state you are probably getting more then a pool ban. Shit actually  depending on the state he might be celebrated. MERICA!  Shit it was Timmy who responded the best to Squints. Anyways…

7. Bertram Grover Weeks (Second base)

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Ted Flint | The Tailgate Society

Two things about Bertman he brought the “chaw” to a carnival which is just such a rookie mistake I am shocked they keep him on the team. So much trauma gets dumped on this poor folks on that roulette ring carny ride… among other stuff dumped on them… God I am gagging. Like can you imagine walking back home covered in multiple 12 year olds puke…  And he really got into the 60s and disappeared and god if that line doesn’t make me laugh every single time.

6. Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan (Third Base)

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Yeah-Yeah I feel like doesn’t get enough love. Besides Benny he is the only one who willingly goes over the fence to get the baseball and does it while strapped to a harness in which he cant escape from easily if things go sideways (and boy do they go sideways.) I need an extra scene showing exactly how the person was picked. Did they draw straws or did Yeah-Yeah just step up to the plate. Wow, look at me using puns and stuff!

5. Timmy Timmons (First Base)

Timmy
Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

Timmy is this high on the list for one reason alone. After the tree house explodes and he doesn’t escape he has the in my opinion the best line of the movie, and since I am the once word vomiting about the this team. I get to decide what is the best line of the movie. Sorry them are the rules. Anyways him shaking the dust out of his hair and saying “We’ve been going about this all wrong, I blame myself, an airbourne attack. The Beast will never expect it” Timmy is a true king, I bow to you sir. Also he calls Squints out on his bullshit a bit.

4. Michael “Squints” Palledorous (Short Stop)

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Ok top four. This is where feelings are gonna get hurt and hate mail is going to come in. Squints has probably aged the worst in the 30 years since the sandlot. Him playing dead to kiss the lifeguard. That aint it my guy. Like I get this movie is written for kids so I need to get off my soapbox and the early 90’s were a wild time. Dare you to go check the romance plot from “Blank Check”.  Also I have issues with him being the shortstop on this team. Does he really have the range to play that position. He does get bonus points for that kick ass periscope out of a cereal box. Honestly I might go find a Tiktok on how to make that periscope. If that is the technical term for the device he made to see into the Beast’s lair. God damnit Focus Ted.

3. Scott “Scotty” Smalls (Right Field)

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Smalls is the engine behind this movie, He is our POV he is the reason we know the characters of the sandlot. He is the reason the baseball goes over the fence. Come on brother know who Babe Ruth is. And lets be honest that fish hat he starts the movie in, Every hipster these days would pay 50 dollars for it. I mean just look how long the bill of that hat is in that photo. Just glad he didn’t get murdered by his step dad. I just wish we actually got a scene of him saying the words about how the hell the baseball got destroyed.

2. Benjamin Franklin “Benny the jet” Rodriguez

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Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

Okay Okay hear me out. I said stop booing and hear me out. Benny is the best player on the screen, He pickles the beast. He hits a ball to a right fielders glove on command. Can we talk about how amazing that is. That is more impressive then outrunning a dog through a whole town. Not to mention he blows the guts out of a ball (Phasing). When talking all time great cinema ball players Benny doesn’t get mentioned enough, Or maybe he does, I refuse to use the bullshit google has turned into to find out.  Heroes get remembered Legends never die… Benny the Jet Rodrieguez is a god damn legend. But he isn’t my number one…

1. Hamilton “Ham” Porter (Catcher)

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Ham is the best person in the Sandlot. He has all the memorable lines.. “You’re killing me Smalls” gets used be people who have no idea from what movie it is from. Not to mention showing how many people and kids how to properly make a S’more. And yes you burn the Mallow until it is on fire. This is the way.  The cannonball scene in the pool. Which gets bonus points because you can tell how damn cold it is that day they filmed. Him calling his shot then proceeding to hit a home run. Hamilton Ham Porter is the best child on the Sandlot, you know it, I know it. God bless him. PS. I’d watch the hell out of him as a pro wrestler.

Bonus Number One Hercules the Beast.

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Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

This dog outsmarts a vacuum powered air sucking up device. Then snatched a ball from mid air after seeing a remote controlled car catapult it into the air. Somehow stores the ball in his stomach?? Until he decides to temp Benny with it. And least of all lives to be 199 in “Doggy” years. I am a self proclaimed not big dog person. But recent events have gotten me to think maybe I could handle an amazing animal like Hercules. The real MVP of the Sandlot.  

Now onto the rankings of how they tried to get the ball back. I’m sure people who are upset about the Porter ranking are gonna love this ranking.  The are six attempts at getting the Babe Ruth ball back. All but one fail. So lets dive into them.

6. Broomstick.

What the hell is the plan here.  How are they going to get the ball back to them, You use a broom handle to push something sideways under a couch to get pull it out. Not straight back through a hole. What the hell fellas. Wait am I being a dick to how smart fictional 12 year olds are? Maybe…

5. Pot taped to a metal sign post

So they learned from their mistake but at this point they don’t really understand the much of a monster the beast is and well he makes quick work stealing and tossing its remains over the fence. A real fuck around and find out lesson for the sandlot crew.

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Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

4. Remote controlled car

This might be a controversial ranking spot. Lets get into how god damn cool this thing is, Smalls builds a ramp for his remote controlled car to slide down into the Beasts lair and it has a catapult in which to fling the baseball to the waiting players. Just fucking ingenious, but yet somehow it doesn’t make the top three. I truly am a broken man. Also how does Small end up calling Dodgers games and not working at NASA. I have questions. Like do you think he failed out of a high end engineering school after watching Benny get drafted by the Dodgers and was like I need to follow him, Is he even the head radio guy for the Dodgers. Local radio guy back when that was a thing. Just saying his mom cant be happy she let her son who was going to go on a space station decide to call baseball. Shit what was I talking about again.

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Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

3. Yeah-Yeah cheats death.

I discussed this above but they kids made a pully system and then used it to lower one of their own into what they thought was a man eating Beasts domain and damn does that take balls. I mean Ham is the best of the bunch but using only his leg muscles as the pully engine. And Yeah-Yeah saw this and was like sure I’m in. HE ISN’T EVEN THE LIGHTEST PLAYER! Sacrifice Tommy! Anyways. Just an all time men on a mission we can’t all make it out alive decision. Just glad Yeah-Yeah didn’t have to change his nickname to Alan one hand.  Like as an adult I don’t think my friend group is lowering one of us into a pit of certain death I don’t care how many Vegas Bombs we have had. Okey make after the Vegas Bombs….

Yeahyeah
Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

2. Benny jumps the fence

Yes I know this is how they finally get the damn ball back, yes I know he talks to the ghost of Babe Ruth. Yes I know he becomes an immortal legend with what he does. Its an amazing scene. The comulation of an amazing series of events. Pour one out for the poor bakers who spent how many hours making that cake. At least Ham got some frosting, Also a Werewolf movie in the summer? I have questions about the person running the theater. I really do need to get better at being on task but anyways. I am sorry that this isn’t number one….

1. The pipe is pinched shut.

Lets break down what makes this part amazing. We have Squints down below reporting to Tommy who is reporting to the others in a tree house.  A tree house that should be on the mount rushmore of tree houses if there is such a thing. Smalls and Bertram down by the vacuums that are supplying suction to the hose that is attached to a catchers mask to complete the look. The Beast bites and clamps down on the hose. Causing the vaccums to back up. God I love Bertram being like “I don’t know about you guys but I am getting the hell out of here” Who doesn’t love a scene of characters trying to escape an exploding house or in this case a tree house. Like as children we all ran away from a fake explosion and this kids got to do it. Benny doing a full front flip escape because of course he can.  The jumping over the railing etc. And of course the ending of Timmy being revealed to not have made it out of the tree house.

We’ve been going about this all wrong…..

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Heemsbergen, Gerrit C

There you have it. The Sandlot in my opinion is the best fourth of July movie and yes I know there is movie literally right there called Independence Day which is a stone cold classic. You should listen to our Back to the Movies episode on it.

Anyways til next time remember Legends never die.

Uncle Ted.

PS When the hate mail for the rankings starts coming in I’ll be like….

Deepshit
Heemsbergen, Gerrit C
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Ted Flint
Ted Flint 287 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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