May 24, 2024

Longhorns face long climb after off-field monkey business

Texas has a monkey problem, but college football is still undefeated.

brown monkey
Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on

If Ames isn’t full of banana pudding shots and students in monkey masks this weekend, what is even the point?

CFB fans have ✨expectations✨ now, after Monday evening’s shenanigans. Quick recap: Jeff Banks, the special teams coach of Texas, had trick or treaters around his home on Halloween night. A middle-school-age kid was bitten (not seriously, or so we know so far) by a monkey in the yard. The monkey is owned by a spicy dancer that Jeff left his wife for, who goes by the stage name Pole Assassin. This is the undisputed best dancer stage name of all time. Anyway, this was reported to Twitter bc it had to be. The universe would allow no other way.

The Pole Assassin took to her own account to defend the honor of her monkey buddy and “support animal” who has also been photographed as part of her performances on stage, and drew the entire spotlight of CFB twitter at full brightness. After a valiant attempt to tweet through it by the “Ass-Ass-in” herself, complete with a video tour of the yard and cage, her account was deleted. Texas has never been more SEC worthy than in that moment. Was it the kid’s fault? The monkey? The owner? It doesn’t matter much. Especially since it seems the kid avoided major injury. What does matter is UT pays this dude a million bucks a year to coach football and not be a distraction and yet here we are. #Monkeygate.

After taking an L at the hands of Baylor last week, now this, Texas is going to need a little more tuning up than some horns down disrespect and a few snarky signs when they head into the center of October chaos.

Clones, we are depending on your creativity here. We expect banana costumes. There are four acceptable songs: Juicy Wiggle, your fight song, Brass Monkey, and Hollaback Girl. I want to see a pic of someone in a damn Assassins Creed cosplay carrying around a shower rod. I want a flatbed trailer full of dancers in costume on hastily erected poles paid by a booster waiting when the Texas team busses pull up. A turnover trophy that is just the biggest stuffed toy monkey that money can buy. We need this, as a people addicted to a stupid sport in these still trying times.

For some inspiration, here are the athletic stylings of The Pole Assassin. (BTW, she’s amazing.)

This is the wildest CFB story since Manti Teo’s fake girlfriend. The monkey, the pole dancing girlfriend, and having it all tied up in the mess in Austin. God bless this idiot, perfect sport.

Muddy Bites banner, with photos of delicious waffle cone tips and Muddy Bites packages on a light blue background - "Muddy Bites Happiness Multiplied" -
Tami Dooley 142 Articles

Tami is from Idaho. She's a fan of the Boise State Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks, college football on the whole, and almost thought about becoming a baseball fan for a minute one time. Send whiskey.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.