August 15, 2018

The Hater’s Guide to the 2018 Oscars

We all know that the Oscars are nothing more than the Academy’s annual fart-sniffing contest – and yet we still tune in to find out who won what anyway. So I devised this guide to help deduce which nominees have the most enticing aroma in the key categories.

 

BEST PICTURE

Call Me By Your Name

Darkest Hour

Dunkirk

Get Out

Lady Bird

Phantom Thread

The Post

The Shape of Water

Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri

My Take

The only name on this list that I haven’t managed to see is The Post, though I’m pretty confident I’m not missing out on much seeing as Spielberg has been washed since ~2005.

If I were choosing, I’d give Lady Bird the nod. It’s an exceptionally funny, refreshing take on a well-worn topic that really worked for me. Dunkirk and Get Out are both very good (for different reasons) and plenty deserving of a win here as well, but neither quite measures to up LB.

 

The rest of the nominees ranged anywhere from pretentious snoozefest (Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour) to well-intentioned mess (The Shape of Water) to anger-inducing drivel (3B).

Favorite

Three Billboards is the betting favorite, unfortunately. I guess if you’re into redemption stories of a reckless, remorseless racist then maybe this is for you.

 

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Timothee Chalamet (Call Me By You Name)

Daniel Day-Lewis (Phantom Thread)

Daniel Kaluuya (Get Out)

Gary Oldman (Darkest Hour)

Denzel Washington (Roman J. Israel, Esq.)

My Take

DDL should take it home in a landslide. His character is absolutely fascinating and the dedication to the role is obvious.

Oldman is pretty good too (if even a little too theatrical) but nowhere close to the degree of DDL.

Everybody else…well, you tried.

Favorite

Oldman

 

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Willem Dafoe (The Florida Project)

Woody Harrelson (Three Billboards)

Richard Jenkins (The Shape of Water)

Christopher Plummer (All The Money In the World)

Sam Rockwell (Three Billboards)

My Take

Dafoe was quietly really good in TFP. Jenkins wasn’t given much to work with but he did what he could with it, as always. It’s embarrassing that Harrelson and Rockwell are even on this list (Rockwell easily being the worst choice), but here we are.

Favorite

Rockwell. Because of course.

 

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Sally Hawkins (The Shape of Water)

Frances McDormand (Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri)

Margot Robbie (I, Tonya)

Saoirse Ronan (Lady Bird)

Meryl Streep, (The Post)

My Take

I’d lean Ronan. She breathes life into her difficult character with a near-perfect amount of quirkiness and really flourishes throughout the movie.

Ultimately, I’d like to see anyone other than Streep win for once.

Favorite

McDormand. She’s one of the best in the business and squeezed everything out of her role (even if that role was awful), so she’s far from undeserving.

 

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Mary J. Blige (Mudbound)

Allison Janney (I, Tonya)

Lesley Manville (Phantom Thread)

Laurie Metcalf (Lady Bird)

Octavia Spencer (The Shape of Water)

My Take

It’s Metcalf and then everyone else. She was flawless as the overbearing but well-meaning mom in LB.

Janney is the best of what’s left.

Favorite

Janney. Well, hmmm, okay sure.

 

BEST DIRECTOR

Dunkirk (Christopher Nolan)

Get Out (Jordan Peele)

Lady Bird (Greta Gerwig)

Phantom Thread (Paul Thomas Anderson)

The Shape of Water (Guillermo del Toro)

My Take

This was easily the toughest category to me. All have substantial cases outside of Del Toro.

If I had to pick just one…I’d take Peele (I think). Unique concept with some fantastic writing.

Favorite

Del Toro. I quit.

 

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

Call Me by Your Name

The Disaster Artist

Logan

Molly’s Game

Mudbound

My Take

All pretty meh in my book. I guess Call Me By Your Name? Sure. Why not.

Favorite

CMBYN. Finally got one!

 

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

The Big Sick

Get Out

Lady Bird

The Shape of Water

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

My Take

Any one of the first three is a worthy choice. Give me Get Out for it’s socially-relevant brilliance.

Favorite

Get Out. Boom.

 

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Blade Runner 2049

Darkest Hour

Dunkirk

Mudbound

The Shape of Water

My Take

Blade Runner. Visuals are simply stunning, particularly in the world-building – much like the original.

Favorite

Blade Runner. Easy Money.

 

ORIGINAL SCORE (MUSIC)

Dunkirk

Phantom Thread

The Shape of Water

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

My Take

Again, no great choices. The Shape of Water’s score is one of its few tolerable aspects.

Favorite 

The Shape of Water

 

 

 

 

Jake Ohlde 18 Articles
Staff Writer

Hails from a minuscule town of fewer than 100 people in north central Kansas. 3rd generation Kansas State alum with a distilling science major. Fervent Wildcats, Royals, Thunder and Stars supporter. Harbors an unabashed love for blink-182 and pineapple pizza. Here for the Family Feud conspiracy theories.

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