May 21, 2018

If I could win the Gold Medal….

The other day I put a question out to the members of The Tailgate Society. If you could win the gold medal in any Winter Olympic sport what would it be. These answers do not disappoint.

Matthias Schwartzkopf: 

Curling. Chicks dig dudes who can take the gold in curling.

J.T. Nutt:

Gee…I wonder if the hockey guy is going to go with…hockey? Yup. Being a part of a team that wins a gold medal in hockey would be amazing. The pride it gives the country and the fact it actually unites hockey fans that hate each other, is even better. It’s the best sport on the planet and to have a gold medal in it?  Sign me up.

If it was just an INDIVIDUAL sport, the skeleton. Going down face first on a luge track at the speeds of a race car? F*CK YES! Sign me up to just try that let alone win it. It’s sledding, on ice, at high speeds. Like when you were a kid but you could like…die. And Americans NEVER win this. Screw Scandinavia and Northern Europe. Give me my damn medal.

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Jacqueline Cordova:

If I could win a medal for anything in the olympics it has to be Ski Jumping! Like have you guys seen what those people can do? I am 5’2, BARELY, and they have such long bodies. They’re not even Ski Jumping they look like they’re flying and can you imagine my tiny self being launched in the air like those guys? Unreal. I’d make headlines on my height alone. I’d probably cry the whole time because I don’t believe someone as short as me should ever be so far off the ground but for that gold I’ll do it. I can barely touch the ground on most buses and majority of office chairs up as high as they can go but sure send me flying off that ramp, I’ll show you all what these tiny legs are capable of.

Jared Leeper:

Without a doubt for me, I would most like to win a gold medal in the bobsled event. The only reason for this is obvious isn’t it? FEEL THE RHYTHM! FEEL THE RHYME! GET ON UP! IT’S BOBSLED TIME! COOL RUNNINGS!!!!!! In school whenever we had a movie day, I swear we watched Cool Runnings every single time. To this day it remains one of my favorite movies. Flying down the mountain in a “bill sled, bobsled, whoever” would be such an incredible rush of adrenaline. I would obviously not cheat like Coach Blitzer, but if it took carrying that sled across the line after a crash, I would do it for all the glory.

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Tami Dooley:

The sport that I would most like to medal in during a winter olympics is biathlon. Mostly because I’m pretty sure that skills honed by cross country skiing and shooting will serve me well in the impending nuclear winter. It will happen when Kim Jong F*ckstick over here misinterprets Pence getting smacked down by a gay figure skater as weakness and start launching off missiles with the same build quality as a knockoff “iFone.” Gonna need that ability to ski for long distances, somehow both compete and work with competitors, and a deadeye rifle shot, even in the wind and cold, just to survive.

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J.P. Scott

If I could win gold in one event during the Winter Olympics, it would be in Ice Hockey. My reasoning is simple. I hate competing against clocks and the opinions of judges. I also enjoy physical competition where I have the opportunity to commit an act of violence against my opponent. Boxing and wrestling are in the summer games, so hockey would be my best chance at getting that done.

Besides, who wouldn’t love to body check a Russian? You can’t check anyone in figure skating or snowboarding without a subsequent series of TV movies being made about your life. In hockey, it’s just another day at the office.

Arnold Woods:

Hockey is the sprinting of winter sports in that the people who are mildly interested in it most of their lives become obnoxious super fans during the Olympics. I was 5 years old when the Mighty Ducks joined forces with some of the best fictional young hockey talent in America to compete in the Junior Goodwill Games, and ever since then a small part of me has wanted to see USA Hockey win on the biggest stage. Get me a Russ Tyler jersey, put me on skates, and let me win a hockey gold medal for the culture.

Pete Seibert:

For me the sport would have to be curling.  Mainly because to me that sport is absolutely bonkers. It’s basically shuffleboard on crack (and ice). I’ve always wanted to try it but I have the gracefulness of a newborn baby deer on ice so I avoid ice at all costs.

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Jared Smith:

First off I have to admit that I don’t watch the Olympics as religiously as I used to, but if there were one of the sports that I would pick as my favorite to get a gold medal in it would for sure have to be Men’s Figure skating? Yeah that’s right! Those dudes get all the coolest perks of Olympic stardom. They get to dance/skate to cool music, they get flowers after each time they skate, they are loved and adored by millions and millions of house wives across the globe and most importantly of all…They get to be on a box of WHEATIES CEREAL! I mean it’s a garbage cereal (I’ll save that for another blog post) but the publicity and sponsorship money would be fantastic. Let’s be real, do any of you remember who won the gold medal in the Skeleton? Exactly.

Ted Flint 110 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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