I’m all about being inclusive, so if there’s anything you ladies who are reading this article want to use or start doing, by all means — GO FOR IT!
I want to help you be a manlier man in 2018. I’m not the manliest man, but I watch you guys fumble through life, trying to be the best man you can be. I watch. I study. I judge you, from my cozy seat inside that coffee shop you just walked past as I sip my delicious caramel drizzled warm drink — usually with whip cream.
This is not the end all, be all of manly advice lists. But it is a list, and if you just do one of these things in 2018, I promise you’ll feel — and quite possibly look — like a manlier man by the end of 2018.
Don’t drink anything through a straw
The one and only time a man should sip anything through a straw is when his jaw is wired shut — and even then — it’s debatable. I’m not the first person to suggest this, but I’m going to reiterate it. There is no way to look manly as you wrap your puckered lips around a straw and suck liquid through it. It’s just not a good look. Whether you are at a restaurant, bar or a neighborhood barbecue, if someone hands you a drink with a straw, pull the straw out of the drink immediately before you take a sip.
Drink canned beer
A wise man — who was also very drunk — once told me “Beer in a can is beer for a man.” I’ve never forgotten those words, and the more I think about, the manliest men in my life growing up all drank canned beer. My dad drank Old Milwaukee. My two grandfathers drank Bud Heavy and Milwaukee’s Best (It’s premium beer and it says so right on the can). I understand there will be times when it’s impossible to drink canned beer, but you at least gotta ask if the option is available. This includes at fancy restaurants. As the waiter is explaining all of the specials that you can’t afford and you are pretending to peruse the leather-bound drink menu, look the waiter directly in the eye and ask “do you have any canned beer?” If he says no, at least you asked. If he says yes, pump your fist in victory and order what they have.
Hold doors open for women
I don’t care if it’s sexist or chauvinistic, do it. And I’m not just talking about holding it open behind you as you walk through it. Stop outside of it, open it and stand there at attention like a bellboy at a hotel you can’t afford to stay in. You’ll be thanked by most women and you’ll stand out, mostly because we live in times where men doing things like holding doors for women is frowned upon by an alarmingly growing percentage of our population. To hell with those people. Be a man and hold that door open.
Get a buzzcut
My wife does hair. She does both men and women’s cuts. One of the most frustrating things she encounters in her profession is the client not happy with their hair because it doesn’t make them look as good as Jennifer Lawrence or Ryan Gosling. You do not look like Ryan Gosling. Or Chris Pratt. Or Tom Brady. Or Bruno Mars. You look like you, and you are better suited to wear one timeless, easily manageable look on top of your head than to bounce from goofy haircut to goofy haircut trying to be someone or something you’re not. This also goes for men (like myself) who are bald or going bald. Buzz it, don’t shave it. The only guys who don’t look like giant walking penises when their heads are shaved are super-jacked black guys. If you are a super-jacked black guy, by all means, shave your head. But you are probably not, so buzz it and settle for looking like a chubby Jason Statham or a weak Triple H.
Shave your face with Barbasol
If you shave your face, stop using lotions, gels, butters or whatever other hipster-produced organic gunk those fancy shave shops try to slang at you. Get down to the Walgreens and grab yourself a can of regular-ass Barbasol. It’s American made and been around forever. It’s been around forever because it works and people keep buying it. You get a smooth, comfortable shave and you smell like a man when you are done, which is better than smelling like peppermint or peaches.
Wear flannels instead of sweaters
There is rarely an occasion that requires you to wear a sweater when simply wearing a flannel shirt won’t suffice. I’m not talking about those thin, form-fitting button-downs you get in a boxes of cloths shipped to your door for $50 a month. I’m talking about those old school thick shirts you only find at hunting or hardware stores. These shirts say “Your girl will dream about me chopping down every tree on your block with an ax tonight.” It’s a much better manly fashion option than a sweater, which is the official clothing item of that neighbor you can’t stand and guys who would like to speak with the manager.
Like I said, it’s not the end all, be all, but it’s a list of options. Try one. You’ll thank me later.