Good Afternoon Frenemies & Football Fans!
The Duval Dream was a lie – there is no such thing as Sacksonville. If you look on a map of Northeast Florida all you will find is Sadsonville, home of the Saduars. Unlike the previous Sunday, the events of week 2 brought me and the hundreds of other Jaguar fans across the country back to earth as reality set in that this is the Same Shit, just a different Pile. This week they travel 1/2 way across the world to lose to the Ravens on the International stage. Maybe they’ll finally stop the bleeding and just stay there.
It is kind of refreshing though – coming back to reality a bit. I’m not sure I am mature enough to handle winning and I have been told I’m kind of a poor sport when it happens. So maybe this is nature’s way of correcting course – making things right in the world again seeing how everything else has gone batcrap crazy. But we’ll always have week 1 #neverforget.
That said – my boys weren’t the only one’s the shit the bed – there’s a whole league of losers to make fun of and that’s just what I intend to do.
So sit back and relax – time to make a mockery out of the heartbreak of others and laugh at some of the hot garbage teams and players that are killing your dreams in fantasy from Week 2 of the 2017 Season.
THE BIG UPSETS:
Falcons vs Packers: (34-23) The 1st Falcons home game. In the brand new state of the art Mercedes Benz Sky-Anus Dome was a sight to behold. That place is an immaculate palace that would make Jerry Jones drool. And one thing is for certain – Falcons owner Arthur Blanks did spend buttloads of our taxpayers cold hard cash to let a bunch of cheeseheads from Wisconsin come to town and beat the Birds!
Sure, A-Aron Rodgers was looking in peak play-off losing form as he threw 33/50 with 343 yards and 2 touchdowns…but he also had that signature wild interception thrown and took a beating from Atlanta’s D thanks to a lackluster Greenbay Offensive line. Matty Ice played cool as a cucumber (as always) and even stayed composed as the dirty birds started looking very Super Bowl-sequel by choking in the 4th quarter letting Rodgers mount a 13 point comeback.
Inevitably the Pack did fall short, mainly because FSU stud alum and future Hall-of-Famer Falcons RB Devonta Freeman danced circles around that shotty Wisconsin D. When it was all said and done, I’d say a pretty successful homecoming for the Falcons and statement win in the NFC. Next stop for Greenbay – a sure thing as they face the trashcan team known as Cincinnati.
Texans vs Bengals: (13-9) I touched on this briefly last week, but its’ worth mentioning – Thursday Night Football is back, and it was just as meh as ever!!! The team that got their ass beat by the Jags, beat the guys that got their ass beat by the Ravens. The Texans looked awful, lost and tired throughout the game…and they were the good team.
Bengals played with the enthusiasm of a sedated sloth – Andy Dalton can’t seem to find AJ Green, rookie “stud” Joe Mixon can’t seem to punch his way through anything anymore, and the once feared defense looked like a bunch of tired Pop-Warner players. Just Ugly.
FunFact: Jaguars have scored 36 more points this season than the Bengals.
Bucs vs Bears (29-7): Famous Jameis and his merry men took the field at Raymond James with one clear mission: embarrass their old teammate Mike Glennon. And boy were they relentless. 2 interceptions, countless 3rd and meh, and only allowing pity points in the 4th quarter, the Bucs came to play. Not sure if it was the hurricane Bye-week of extra rest, or if they just that Skrong – but Winston and company ain’t no puppies (if you don’t understand, ask a Nole fan).
The Bears are off to a troubled start, losing their 1st two games of the season in disappointing fashion. They haven’t started a season off this bad since last year…or the year before…to be honest its been quite some time since the Bears were anything but a sad relic of a bygone era. At least Chicago still has the Cubs and they’re doing great since they won the World Series! I think…actually I have no idea – Baseball is as much fun as an Afternoon at IKEA. Anyways – who knows, maybe they can still turn it around now that they cut all that dead weight in Alshon Jeffrey…
OTHER MEME WORTHY GAMES to MENTION:
Panthers vs Bills (9-3): Just Gross. The only thing that happened in this game is Greg Olsen broke his foot and the Bills Mafia injected shots of fireball into their anal cavities in the parking lot (probably, who knows…but that’s a very Bills Mafia thing to do). Watching these two turds made me thankful to be a Jags fan…kind of.
Broncos vs Cowboys (42-17): It really is a shame Dallas didn’t have Zeke behind the line this past weekend…things really would have been different if he were there to run all over that washed up Denver D! Wait, he played? Well this is awkward…
With an MVP worthy 8 rushing yards, Zeke gave America what they really wanted to see – a good ol’ fashioned Dallas ass whoopin’. Those 8 hard earned yards came in just behind other playmakers of week 2 like Human Tortoise Blake Bortles, 40 year old Tom Brady, and my elderly neighbor Dorris who only managed to walk to the edge of her driveway to grab the paper.
But it wasn’t just Elliot that struggled. That Broncos D just seemed too much for the Dynamic Dak as well. Take away the running option, rush the sophomore QB til his head spins, and cover Dez like white on rice – you get a bizzarro situation where the only player you can count on is TE Jason Witten – who is now entering his 35th season in the NFL.
The Dallas D wasn’t doing the team any favors either- making Denver QB Trevor Siemian look like Peyton friggin’ Manning out there (side note: he’s not). Needless to say, Sunday was not kind to the Cowboys. But hey – at least they beat the Giants last week!
Lions vs Giants (24-10) Speaking of the Giants – they continued their everlasting sadness tour, making mediocre teams look phenomenal as they faced off against Matt Stafford and the Detroit Lions in a game that can best be described as “on television”.
Stafford just got paid a crazy amount of money, and surprisingly has proven so far this season that Detroit MAY know what its doing this season (that didn’t even feel right typing it…this is like bizarro world)
You take Odell Beckham JR out of the equation and the Giants look lost out there. Brandon Marshall is completely useless at this point, the Defense barely tried to get to Stafford, and the NY offensive line fell apart quicker than the Jaguars hopes of a playoff season. But at least the city still has the Jets (Insert Evil Laugh).
Oh and unrelated but totally shareworthy: This Video:
OTHER GAMES I DON’T HAVE TIME FULLY TO MOCK
As usually I’ve rambled on too long – so I’ll start wrapping it up with the other scores in case you cared:
Seahawks vs 49ers (12-9): Surprisingly close game…Seattle looks a bit, what’s the word…awful.
Dolphins vs Chargers (19-17): Chargers defensive Coordinator/former Jags head coach Gus Bradley did the impossible: made Cutler look good
Chiefs vs Eagles (27-20): Andy Reid might have enjoyed this revenge win a bit too much – #somewoundsneverheal
Ravens vs Browns (24-10) Fun Fact: Browns scored more against the Ravens than the Bengals have all season.
Cardinals vs Colts (16-13): Colts still suck. In other news: Water still wet.
Titans vs Jags (37-16): #godhatesjags
Patriots vs Saints (36-20): I knew Brady would bounce back
Raiders vs Jets (45-20): Marshawn is dancing his way to an MVP comeback season.
Redskins vs Rams (27-20): Cousins led the CHARGE against the Rams…(not all the jokes can be winners, give me a break)
Steelers vs Vikings (26-9) Oh my gosh, Sam Bradford was injured and couldn’t play (this is me typing shocked).
OK, I’M DONE
Thanks again for reading through all this nonsense. I think that just about covers it. Oh and in case I haven’t touched on this enough: I still hate the Eagles:
Tune in next week as I whine more about the Jaguars, and continue to throw stones from my little glass house. Have a great day!!