In case you missed it, you can catch up on all the important happenings that led up to this week’s Bachelor in Paradise in last week’s recap right here.
On the penultimate week on Bachelor in Paradise, it (at long last) feels like time for the couples to figure their relationships out and get down to business. After all, there may be proposals next week! OK, so maybe only one, but you get the point.
We open this week’s show with the only love triangle on the show that has any really meat to it: Dean, Kristina, and Danielle. Kristina is sulking in a cabana after witnessing Dean and Danielle get after it in the pool the night before. At this point, everyone watching on TV is telling Kristina to run far away and leave Dipshit Dean in the dust. Of course, she still holds out hope that everything can work out. Dean apologizes but preaches patience, that he’s still trying to figure things out. Sorry Dean, but, to paraphrase my dad, it’s time to crap or get off the pot.
Dean proceeds to say words that make no sense, spouting off lines that no woman really wants to hear. Essentially recapping this entire season’s plot, Dean tells Kristina that “I don’t understand how I can have the most amazing girl in front of me (Kristina) and I’m flirting with another girl (Danielle) in the pool.” You’re not alone, buddy. Kristina and Dean part but nothing really seems resolved (SHOCKER). Everyone at home, however, has seen this movie before. Kristina likes Dean way more than he likes her. This is clear to anyone who has seen a single minute of this season, but, as per usual, it’s hard for those involved to see the forest for the trees.
We’re reminded that this week, the ladies have the roses, which can only mean one thing: More guys are arriving! This sounds promising, but then Blake (from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette) rolls in. You might remember (hating him) from his feud with Wha-boom. An aside: Wow. That is a ridiculous thing for me to type. I used to teach at a real life university and now I’m writing about a guy named Wha-freaking-boom. How the mighty have fallen.
Anyway, Blake has the most underwhelming entrance of anyone on this show ever. There is literally not a single person excited to see him. Even Chad from last season had a more well-received entrance. Not that I can blame anyone. Blake does suck. While he wants to convince everyone that he is so much more than this Wha-boom feud, this is hard because that (and being keto AF) is the only thing that makes him remotely interesting.
Blake asks Kristina out on a date, saying she is his #1 pick. Hilariously, she turns him down, although she could (should?) have said yes just to make Dean mad. Undeterred, Blake asks Christen out because, as viewers know, she’ll say yes to anything or anyone. Unless it’s sex because, as viewers also know, she’s a virgin.
This marks Christen’s third date, as she also went out with Jack Stone and Tickle Monster. She is now, as she accurately diagrams on-screen for us, in a love square.
Blake wasn’t the only new man to join paradise this week. Fred (also from Rachel’s season) strolls in and has the women much more fired up. He pulls Dominique off to the side and immediately goes in for the kill. Dom has been hanging out with Diggy, but she agrees to a date. Everyone soon finds out this is actually a double date with Blake and Christen. Sounds like fun!
In fact, it does actually look like fun, despite the presence of Blake and Christen. They start out on a speedboat that does insane spins and tricks. Then, they zip-line into the water. Everyone seems to be having a blast, except for Christen. She’s alternating between being sea sick, losing her eyelashes, and then losing her contacts. And complaining about all of it constantly.
As all of this is happening, 25% of the love square (Jack Stone) is having himself quite a moment back at the resort. Apparently, Christen the Virgin told all the ladies that Jack was a terrible kisser. Based on the number of people Christen has made out with on this show, you’d think she’d know. In an effort to root out the truth, the ladies decide to test-drive ol’ Jack. Jasmine plants one on him and declares him to be a very good kisser. Lucky Jack also gets make out sessions with Raven and Danielle. Everyone except Christen agrees: Jack can get after it. Lesson for guys: Get a girl friend to start a rumor that you’re a terrible kisser.
Chris Harrison, undoubtedly the worst part of every Bachelor show, strolls in and announces that tonight (!) is the rose ceremony.
This means that a now-worried Diggy has some work to do to ensure that he doesn’t lose Dominique to the newbie Fred. He devises a card game called “Diggin’ Deep with Diggy” to play with Dom. It seems to work, and they end up making out pretty seriously.
As the rose ceremony approaches, Ben Z. sees the writing on the wall and knows that no one in paradise can ever garner as much affection from his as his dog Zeus can. So he leaves. To be with his dog. Jesus Christ.
Finally, we are treated to the culmination of this Dean, Kristina, and Danielle mess. Dean tells Danielle that he wants to be with her. After deciding this, he goes to tell Kristina of his decision, and, predictably, things do not go well for him. Kristina is pissed off, as she should be. Raven tries to talk some sense into her about blaming Dean for this rather than cat-fighting with Danielle. Kristina does not want to hear that in this particular moment. Raven’s right, by the way. Danielle doesn’t owe you anything, Kristina, even though she is so incredibly annoying. It’s Dean you should be pissed at. After cooling off a little (and getting some well-spoken advice from bartender Wells), Kristina seems to come around a little and appropriately hate Dean.
At the rose ceremony, here’s the skinny:
Lacey roses Daniel
Taylor roses Derek
Amanda roses Robby
Dominique roses Diggy
Raven roses Adam
Jasmine roses Tickle Monster
Christen roses Jack Stone
Then, it’s Kristina’s turn. DUN DUN DUUUN!
She gives a speech about being respected and valued. AKA Don’t try to date me and someone else at the same time, Dipshit Dean. She hugs everyone but Dean and Danielle and tries to peace out. But wait! Dean asks if he can walk her to the car. Jesus, Dean. You can’t even get this right? Let her leave in peace. Danielle looks like she wants to kill him. Dean apologizes to Kristina again, but she says nothing. Then she’s gone, and Dean heads back. Danielle bitches out and lets Dean get away with this nonsense, giving him her rose.
That all means that Fred and Blake are out of paradise just as fast as they’ve arrived.
Lest you think that there will be no more new entrances into paradise, the apparently sexually fluid Jaimi shows up AND WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPPEN!?!? We’re assured that she could pick a girl OR a guy. Or maybe both. Of course, she makes the most obvious choice possible and picks Diggy. Well, this pisses Dominique off. I mean, how dare Diggy go on another date when he is involved with Dominique. Never mind the fact that Dominique literally did the EXACT SAME THING one day earlier with Fred.
I guess that Diggy and Jaimi’s date goes fine. It’s hard to tell since all ABC shows them talking about is Jaimi’s bisexuality. Yeah, we get it ABC. You’re so progressive. Welcome to 2017.
Finally, The Twins (Emily and Haley) show up. Thank God. Of all the absurdities from this season of Bachelor in Paradise, saving The Twins until the second-to-last week is the biggest one. See, they are actually entertaining. Here’s an idea, ABC: Give me a show with The Twins, Daniel, and Alexis. That’s ratings gold right there.
Anyway, Emily wants to date Dean. Haley wants to date Derek. Who knows why. Obviously, both of those options are off the table because those guys suck. If Dean would have sacked up and went on a date with Emily, he might have been able to redeem himself in my eyes. I mean, if you’re going to be kind of an asshole the whole show, you might as well go all in and embrace it. Being the wishy washy fool that he is, Dipshit Dean said no. Instead, he’s going to try to make something work with Danielle, who Emily rightly noted is fine “if you enjoy talking to a wall.” See? The Twins are fun.
That left Emily and Haley with Jack Stone and the Tickle Monster. Not ideal, but they were going to give it a shot anyway. Then Jack gets all emotional and chickens out, deciding instead to stay and hang out with Christen, despite the fact that she has dated and made out with everyone. This causes The Twins to say “fuck everyone here” and jet. I’m right there with you, Twins.
Next week is all she wrote for this season of Bachelor in Paradise. That’s right. It’s finale time. Once again, I’ll be recapping that shit show right here at The Tailgate Society.
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