The Mt. Rushmore of Tinder Nopes

There’s a reason or 70 I quit using Tinder. Nothing makes me say NOPE quite like swiping through the astonishing depths of douchiness that the dating app delivers. I occasionally give in to the convenience of being able to screen candidates before wasting my time on a date and log back in. I’ve met a few fine folks on the app, but the payoff is rarely worth the emotional trauma Tinder can cause. Here’s the Mt. Rushmore of why Tinder never lasts more than a few days on my phone.

The Shirtless Mirror Selfie

I’m rarely one to criticize a #selfie, but there’s one brand of self-portraiture that tops the list of Tinder Nopes: the shirtless mirror selfie. Do you have hobbies or pets? A cool vacation pic? Show me those. The only logical reaction to your shmelfie is an immediate swipe left. Extra nope points if you’re wearing tight boxer briefs so we can see the outline of the toilet paper roll you stuffed in there.

The Sexually Aggressive Message

You want to cover my what in what and do what to it, Brian?! Come on over. It’s just a coincidence that the address I gave you pops up on your iPhone as the police department.

The Cropped Out Girlfriend

There’s a mysterious hand wrapped around your waist and a sliver of a woman’s face next to your shoulder in every picture. I’m hoping it’s your ex — get back out there, tiger! But you better believe I’ll use my internet ninja spy skills to creep and make sure Half-face is fully in your past.