I can already tell you this list is going to upset some people. The first two are easy, but the bottom two are where it gets difficult. If anyone is qualified to make these picks, I feel like it is me. That being said, let’s get on with the list.
Norm
If you were talking about the best TV drunks and had to name one, anyone 30 years or older would pick Norm from “Cheers.” Also, they would absolutely be correct. “Cheers” will go down as one of the best sitcoms of all time with a great cast of characters. But back to what makes Norm the greatest TV drunk—he had his own stool, a never ending tab, and a drinking buddy who was always there to exchange stories. Norm simply was the best.
Barney Gumble
This might cause some people to be upset. They might say that if you are going to include a “Simpsons” character, it has to be Homer. But if you look deep into your soul, you will know that Barney is a much bigger drunk then Homer ever was. Barney has all the characteristics of being a great TV drunk. He is always drunk, always quick to fight, looks disgusting, and is a great friend to Homer.
Sterling Archer
Are you allowed to put two animated characters on this list? It’s my list and I make the rules. For those who don’t know, Sterling Archer is a super spy who is constantly drunk while getting into and out of sticky situations. I mean, look at this quote from him: “I’m scared if I stop drinking all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.” If that doesn’t get you on the list, I don’t know what will.
Don Draper
Originally, I was going to put Jim Brockmire in the fourth and final spot. But it might be a little too early to give such a prestigious honor to a character whose show has only been on TV for one season. Everything Don Draper did on “Mad Men” was cool. I have never had a cigarette and he made me want to smoke. He is the reason I have booze in my office. (Okay, that might be a lie.) But damn, was Don Draper cool as hell. Except that season where he was too drunk and became a raging asshole.
Honorable Mentions
Jim Brockmire
Homer Simpson
That Ron guy from “Parks and Rec.” Sorry, I have never seen it, but he looks fun in gifs
Cliff from “Cheers”
Drunk Monica from “Friends”
Bender
That is all I’ve got. Feel free to come discuss this with me in the comment section or on Twitter.
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