July 22, 2024

Are fidget spinners the downfall of human civilization?

We're all gonna die.

Hear me out.

So far, I’ve spent the equivalent to a monthly electricity bill on these things. We’ve acquired 5 of them with plans for more – two plastic ones that have been ordained to live out their days trapped in the depths of the couch, two metal ones that are frankly dangerous (one of which I’ve managed to break and turn in to a big ninja star), and one that is a very satisfying dodecagon with every type of button imaginable.

They’re fantastic. You’re forced to focus on them. For just a couple of minutes, watching the thing spin and hearing that little whirring noise, its possible to get out of your head. It’s like a quick, socially acceptable meditation. What began as a toy for ADHD kids has spawned in to a phenomenon, complete with its own hyperbolic warnings from local networks and being banished from classrooms across the country for being a nusiance.

By the time school starts next fall, there will be bins of them in thrift stores and the phenomenon will mostly be relegated to the annals of plastic history we’re leaving embedded in this planet for generations to come. Or will it?

How can one little toy, in an endless array of little toys, bring down humanity?

Imagine a world, where instead of developing flawed coping mechanisms, children learn to channel their emotions and thoughts in a positive way and not only experience their feels, but to let them go when they’re over. We’re raising a generation of spoiled-ass kids that are going to demand time to think and process rather than just shoving down bad feelings and acting out or numbing themselves with substances! In 20 years, the parts of our economy that runs on the dysfunctional human will no longer be viable. Machine learning will understand customer service better than any human could. Robots will work supply chain and service jobs, and this generation of kids who had fidget spinners will just be out here, suspended in time where nobody does anything but stare at screens or spinning chunks of plastic.

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There will be no need for intoxicants, because the new generation will understand how to handle their shit. This group won’t have kids, because they’ll be too busy spinning and thinking to have sex. They won’t be socially involved in politics or church. Sports will die, as will all economic indicators that thinkpiece writers (the greatest of all authorships in the time after the Fidget Spinner) once wrote about the Millenials killing off. It will turn out that it wasnt avocado toast damaging the diamond/restaurant/housing/golf/retail industries…it’s the fuckin’ fidget spinner.

The more we allow it to infiltrate our schools and homes and workplaces, the more likely we are to end civilization once and for all. Or, just be slightly more functional. Better order this badass skull and crossbones spinner just to be sure.

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Tami Dooley 142 Articles

Tami is from Idaho. She's a fan of the Boise State Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks, college football on the whole, and almost thought about becoming a baseball fan for a minute one time. Send whiskey.

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