July 22, 2024

What if politicians were cast in Mean Girls

Politics can feel an awful lot like high school with the cliques and in-fighting. North Shore High School, to be exact. In the 2004 classic, Mean Girls, Cady Heron frequently imagines her classmates battling it out like the wild animals she saw in Africa. That’s exactly how I picture a day on the Senate floor, to be honest. So why not have a little fun and cast some of our well-known politicians in a re-make?

Marco Rubio (R-Florida): Marco is Cady Heron. His willingness to think for himself a little on issues like immigration makes him popular with Independent voters. But he also smells a little bit like the establishment’s “baby prostitute” perfume. Recently, he’s found his own voice again through criticism of Donald Trump’s appointments.

President-elect Donald Trump: At first, I thought Donald would make a great Coach Carr. He’s sleazy, likes younger women, and definitely thinks “chlamydia” is spelled with a k. But the more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that he is Regina George. First, not even his own party likes him. He can easily pull off Regina’s slut-shaming and use of the r-word. Plus, rules are for everyone but him. On Wednesdays we wear pink? Not if Donald says no! And judging by his lawsuits, the number of people who have felt personally victimized by Donald Trump is pretty damn high.

Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin): Paul is Gretchen Wieners. He’s mostly a slave to his party’s agenda, but occasionally shows small signs of revolting. Maybe we should all just retract our support of Caesar!

Bernie Sanders (D-Vermont): Bernie is Janis Ian. Frankly, he’s sick of Regina’s shit. He wants to shake things up and bring down the Plastics’ establishment. In his younger days, I could totally see Bernie telling The Man to “suck on that” and crowd-surfing off into the distance.

Steve King (R-Iowa): Steve is Karen Smith because he says things that are fucking stupid and a little racist. Oh my god, Steve, you can’t just ask people why they’re white and you definitely can’t accuse a civil rights icon of not doing anything to help the public lately. Some of the backwards-ass things that come out of his mouth make about as much sense as predicting the weather with your breasts.

Vice President Joe Biden: Joe is Kevin Gnapoor. Aside from both being very meme-able, wouldn’t you love to see Joe rap Kevin’s talent show song? All you sucka VPs ain’t got nothin’ on B.

Chris Christie (R-New Jersey): Chris is Damian because they’re both actors. He gave a masterful performance as The Governor Who Knew Nothing About Those Lane Closures that would have made Damian proud. Chris probably also sang Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” at karaoke after not being chosen as Trump’s running mate.

Martin O’Malley (D-Maryland): Martin is Glenn Coco. Glenn got four candy canes, which is about the same number of people who caucused for Martin in Iowa. But both are remembered fondly in an, “Aww, remember that?” kind of way.

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Nicole Gustafson
Nicole Gustafson 56 Articles

Nicole was born in Chicago and raised in Des Moines. She took her talents to The Iowa State University, where she earned a degree in journalism. You can find Nicole cheering on her favorite sports teams, hanging out with her dog, or finishing a Netflix marathon. Nicole is a big fan of #pitcherswhorake, fat guy TD's, and carbs. She's not a fan of mornings, winter, or vegetables and will complain to anyone who will listen.

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