July 14, 2024

NFL Week 9 Preview

While I was on my death bed last week with the traditional fall cold, I was unable to give you my hot takes on the Seahawks/Cardinals tie that happened on Sunday Night Football. Luckily for all of us, there was ANOTHER tie in the NFL this past week. The damn Redskins tied with the Bengals. TIES ARE THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING. No one should tie in sports. The NBA doesn’t tie – you play overtimes until one team can’t play anymore. The PGA doesn’t tie – sudden death and putt-off should be implemented, but they don’t tie. The NHL doesn’t tie – you tie, you get a point, but you have a shoot-out after an overtime period. No ties. MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL DOESN’T TIE. Thus, proven by the best game I’ve ever seen last night. Game 7 of the World Series between the Cubs and the Indians was the most watched baseball game in 25 years. They were tied after 9 innings, had a rain delay before the 10th inning, and it ended in extra innings. Congrats to the Cubs. BUT NO TIE. Ties = shitty ratings. There – I fixed your ratings problem, Rodger.

Atlanta Falcons (5-3) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4)

Color Rush. I hate it. Tampa Bay will be wearing an all red ensemble and Atlanta will be in their normal road whites tonight. How did Atlanta get so lucky not to look like ketchup running around the field? Atlanta really is good, you guys. They’ll win this one – if they haven’t already by not wearing Color Rush.

Winner: Falcons

Detroit Lions (4-4) at Minnesota Vikings (5-2)

The Vikings started off as the NFL’s hottest team going undefeated into the bye week. They have their bye and all hell breaks loose. Losers of two-straight, the Vikings are starting to look like the team we thought they were going to be after losing Teddy and Peterson. The Lions haven’t looked too terribly awful and Stafford is quietly having a great season. I don’t think the Vikings will pull their heads out quite yet.

Winner: Lions

Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) at New York Giants (4-3)

The Eagles fell to division foe, Dallas, in overtime last week. Because overtime and ties is apparently a thing that we have in the NFL now. Thank god the Eagles lost and didn’t just tie the Cowboys because Al Michaels probably would’ve lost his damn mind on air. Both teams want to catch up to the 6-1 Cowboys, both needing this win. Maybe they’ll just tie. If the Eagles can protect Wentz so he can get some good passes off, they could carve the Giants’ secondary.

Winner: Eagles

New York Jets (3-5) at Miami Dolphins (3-4)

I make fun of both of these teams a lot – mostly because they have a great selection of gifs. The Jets are truly hot garbage and the Dolphins can’t figure it out against anyone. The Dolphins could probably get some picks from Fitzpatrick though, since that’s all he does.


Winner: Dolphins

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5) at Kansas City Chiefs (5-2)

Do I need to say a whole lot about this game? The Chiefs are playing great football right now, but the Jaguars are not. And they truly just never do. Andy Reid forever.

Winner: Chiefs

Dallas Cowboys (6-1) at Cleveland Browns (0-8)

I’m rooting for the Browns to go 0-16. It’s only happened one other time in the history of ever and I want it to happen again. Because Cleveland blew a 3-1 lead in the World Series and they don’t deserve nice things. The Cowboys are also pretty good with those rookies on offense. Their defense is getting a bit beat up, but that’s okay. They’re playing the Browns.

Winner: Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3) at Baltimore Ravens (3-4)

This is one of those games that people look forward to every year. Such a little AFC East division rivalry. Big Ben had surgery and was out for a bit, but rumor has it that he’s ready to go this week against the Ravens, who are looking to get to .500. If Big Ben does play, he needs to be careful against this Ravens defense, which ranks 4th in the league. Ravens are going to have the upper hand here against a shaky Pittsburgh defense.

Winner: Ravens

New Orleans Saints (3-4) at San Francisco 49ers (1-6)

The 49ers are really bad. The Saints are flying high off of a last minute win against the Seahawks last week. But the 49ers are really bad. The worst running defense in the history of everything, so look for Drew Brees not to have to throw it a whole lot. Mark Ingram is going to have another big day running the ball. The 49ers can’t do anything right.

Winner: Saints

Carolina Panthers (2-5) at Los Angeles Rams (3-4)

The Panthers played surprisingly great football against the Arizona Cardinals last week and finally looked like the team from 2015. The good news for the Panthers is that they can continue playing well because they’re playing the Rams. The Rams are having terrible offensive issues, which is going to allow the Panthers to just feast upon them. Watch for Carolina to go on a bit of a roll here.

Winner: Panthers

Indianapolis Colts (3-5) at Green Bay Packers (4-3)

The Packers are coming off of a loss to Atlanta. The Colts seriously are the most boring team in the NFL. I don’t care one bit about them. Andrew Luck is a caveman. I’m sorry.


I wonder if the Packers will be able to find themselves this week against the Boring Ol’ Colts.

Who’s giggle is better?

Winner: Packers

Tennessee Titans (4-4) at San Diego Chargers (3-5)
The Titans aren’t TERRIBLE at football as they have been in the past. They’re ranked 10th in defense, 9th in offense, and have the 3rd best rushing attack in the league. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers and his 15 children are just hanging out in mediocre land. Literally just middle of the pack, mediocre football. It’s going to be up to Rivers to find Gates, Gordon, and Hunter Henry against the Titans not-so-great secondary if the Chargers want to start their 2-game homestretch with a win.

Winner: Titans

Denver Broncos (6-2) at Oakland Raiders (6-2)

In years past, this rivalry seems to just be that: a rivalry. The Raiders haven’t played great football in recent history but have come out the gate swinging and are sitting at 6-2, giving the Broncos a real fight for the AFC West title. This might actually be the best game that the NFL has put on primetime this year. And because I said that, it’ll end in a fucking tie. The last time I looked, the line on this game is pretty even. It’s gonna be a good one, folks!



Buffalo Bills (4-4) at Seattle Seahawks (4-2-1)

The Bills defense has been playing great. And Rex Ryan just decided to bring back Percy Harvin out of retirement the week they play his former team. Hmmm. What a damn troll. The Seahawks have been struggling… it’s been bad. Russell Wilson is fake healthy, their offensive line is the worst in the league, and they’ve been plagued with injuries. The defense has been on the field WAY too much and they’re the only reason the Seahawks have had close games that the offense can’t close out. This defense is going to feast on the Bills and if they can get their offense moving, the Seahawks will win at home.

I miss you, Kam.

Winner: Seahawks

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Janice Morin 18 Articles
Former Staff Writer

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