July 14, 2024

What would Ted Flint do? – 10/10/16

**Editor’s Note: Ted wanted this to be unedited and untouched in any way. However, the editorial staff thought it was best to not subject our readers to such torture. So while some editing took place, we found a happy medium to give you ‘Drunk Ted’s’ words as accurately as we could while still being decipherable. Enjoy.**

As I prepared to watch the debate last night, I realized was going to need some beers to get through it because not all of us are perfect like Ken Bone – God bless him. I also decided it was time to knock out a new #WWTFD. Hope you enjoy.

@WLCyclone: working on a #WWTFD, which is worse. Spiders? Snakes? Pick your “creepiest” animal?

Wow, this might be the worst question. Spiders are the worst, THE WORST!! I mean just think about them crawling on you while you sleep. Did you know we swallow 69 spiders a year. That is a nice number, it is a shit number. Maybe I made that up, but you get the point. Also snakes aren’t much better. Nothing gives me the heebee-jeebees faster than mowing the lawn, looking down and seeing a snake slither past my foot. I know it is a harmless garden snake, but I don’t give a shit, fuck snakes. Christ, Levi, I’m not sleeping at all tonight, thanks a lot jerk. Just kidding, you know I love you.

@bjbrugman: how do you rank the walking taco (w/ Doritos) vs the pizza burger? #WWTFD

This is a simple enough answer, but the question comes from me witnessing someone eating a walking taco with Fritos. Not just once, but they went back for three bags of Fritos. Who does this? I mean I don’t want to be a jerk, but Fritos are kind of a garbage chip anyways, right? No offense. Bless their heart, I’m sure they mean well. Remember if any of the corn farmers out there don’t like my corn chip takes – send all complaints to @Jared_Leeper on the twitter machine. Back to the pizza burger. This burger is easily in the top two or three burger conversation. Nothing can knock the Rodeo Cheeseburger for the top spot, but pizza burger is near the top.  I don’t even know what is in a pizza burger, but I know it tastes freaking amazing.

@Stanzi51: #WWTFD if Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cornered him in an alley and told him he couldn’t pass unless he scored a basket on the hoop that just so happens to be on the brick wall in the alley?

First it was spiders and snakes in my nightmares, and now I have to figure out how to make a basket over [glances up to try and get the spelling right] Kareem Abdul-Jabaar. Ok, so I assume if this is in a alley way, that means prison rules, right? So I can do whatever I want to make this basket. So while dribbling with my left hand I would frisbee a garbage can lid at his knee, and that would fail because I assume Kareem is wearing those 1970’s knee pads and would just laugh at my weak ass attempt to hurt him. That is when I strike. I use a Sonic the hedgehog type maneuver and go through his legs quick like (hey my dream right), and use a Niang-like layup to lightly bounce the ball off the bricks and into the basket. Game over Ted Wins!

WWTFD if he took a shit before realizing he was out of toilet paper?

Use the three sea shells obviously…

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Ted Flint
Ted Flint 287 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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