David Johnson is making his case for the best running back in league after his second 3 touchdown game last week against the Jets. The Redskins are looking like they could contend if they keep their shit together. Odell Beckham proposed to the kicking net. Ben Roethlisberger had knee surgery. Tom Brady is still good and we still hate him. Colin Kaepernick was not the answer to the 49ers problems and Cleveland is still garbage – and winless. But their baseball team is going to the World Series!
This week’s matchups are much better than last week’s, so I’m grateful my birthday falls on NFL Sunday this year.
Chicago Bears (1-5) at Green Bay Packers (3-2)
Both teams coming off of losses, the Packers have definitely had their struggles, but nothing compared to the Bears mess. Alshon Jeffery hasn’t scored a touchdown yet this season. Jordan Howard, however, has scored in two straight games and is running all over the place (over 400 yards). Howard gets going against the Packers defense and Hoyer can find Jeffery in the end zone, this could be the upset of the week. BTW – Hoyer is outperforming Rodgers so far this season. Brian Hoyer, everyone. Oh, just in: Eddie Lacy is going on IR.
Winner: Da Bears
New York Giants (3-3) at LA Rams (3-3)
The Rams left their game in Detroit (they lost) and headed over the pond to London for this week’s game. The Giants and Rams will play the first ever NFL game at Twickenham Stadium – where they play rugby. So that’s kinda cool. Odell Beckham had a hell of a game (2 TDs and marriage proposal) and if he and Eli can continue to connect like they did last week, the Rams won’t be an issue.
New Orleans Saints (2-3) at Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
The Saints have the second best total offense in the league and the best passing offense. How do you do that and only have two wins? Oh wait because their defense is this:
The Chiefs are middle of the pack when it comes to defense, so ol’ Drew Breezy should be able to throw some bombs. But see above about New Orleans defense.
Indianapolis Colts (2-4) at Tennessee Titans (3-3)
The Titans really aren’t that terrible this year, you guys. They have the third best rushing attack in the league and they’re sitting nicely at .500. That’s about all I can say about them, though. The Colts had an epic meltdown on SNF, allowing the Texans to come back and beat them in OT. Maybe they can crab walk themselves to victory.
Minnesota Vikings (5-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
How Philadelphia is this?
The Vikings are coming off a bye week. Their defense is so good. God damn it. The Eagles lost to the Redskins last week, ho-hum. I hope Philly didn’t spend too much on that Wentz statue.
Cleveland Browns (0-6) at Cincinnati Bengals (2-4)
Holy shit I didn’t realize the Bengals are 2-4. I mean I knew they kind of imploded, but not two-wins! Luckily for them, they’re playing the Browns. I’ve had Dak Prescott as my starting fantasy QB for the last couple weeks since Dalton was shitting the bed, but now I’m forced to start Dalton and I couldn’t be more thankful it’s against the dirty Browns. LOL THE BROWNS. All of Cleveland are Indians fans right now anyway. No one is paying attention.
Washington Redskins (4-2) at Detroit Lions (3-3)
People are calling the Redskins a dark horse contender in the NFC. I’m not too sure about that, but they might hobble their way to another NFC East title if the Cowboys are idiots and put Romo back in for a few games after he returns from injury. The Lions barely won to put themselves at .500. The Redskins are boasting the 5th best passing attack in the league, so we’ll see how that fairs against a Lions defense that sits at the bottom half of the league.
Who makes these?
Oakland Raiders (4-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)
The Raiders have inadvertently owned the NFL news cycle the last week and it’s not for their hot start or their fizzle performance against the Chiefs last week at home. Mark Davis will be filing a motion to move the team to Las Vegas after the city approved a butt-load of public money to build a stadium. Goodell says he’s working with the city of Oakland apart from Davis to keep the Raiders in Oakland. The team could help its case by getting back on track by beating the Jags this week in Jacksonville. Luckily, they’re playing the Jags.
Buffalo Bills (4-2) at Miami Dolphins (2-4)
Buffalo smashed Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers last week, hanging 45 on them. Are the Bills that good or are the 49ers that bad? I guess we’ll see what the Bills can do against a struggling Dolphins offense (who proved me wrong last week!) Maybe these Dolphins care just a little bit?
(pretend that cow is a Bill – get it?)
Baltimore Ravens (3-3) at New York Jets (1-5)
The Jets are HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT garbage. Habanero garbage. Ryan Fitzpatrick throws all of the interceptions and then their coach is like “oh he’s still going to be the starter.” Then we all get alerts on our phones on Wednesday and they’re like “lol jk Geno Smith will start for us this week.” You don’t even know what you’re doing, sit down. Meanwhile Brandon Marshall (whom I love so much and I admire everything he’s done to bring awareness to mental health issues), is running is mouth about god knows what. You guys have one win. Sit dowwwwwn you guys. Just stop and play football. And quit throwing interceptions!
Okay. I need to find the person who keeps making these. Because I want them to make one for me and the Tailgate Society. Could someone do that for me? Thanks.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3) at San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
I’m not even going to give this matchup the time of day. The 49ers are butt. I’m picking the Buccaneers because my 8yo loves the “font” on the Bucs uniforms and he loves Doug Martin (go Boise State).
San Diego Chargers (2-4) at Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
So after watching the Atlanta Falcons give my Seattle Seahawks a heart attack last week, I’m prepared to say that the Falcons are true threat in the NFC. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Seahawks saw them again in the postseason. My Hawks pulled the win off last minute (I don’t care what you say about DPI) and the Falcons returned home to focus on the Chargers. Phillip Rivers and his 15 children will roll into Atlanta and they will leave crying. The Falcons want to prove to the rest of the league that they ARE for real after losing to Seattle. Not even close.
New England Patriots (5-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
Before Big Ben got hurt this weekend and had surgery, talking heads started calling this an AFC Championship preview game. The Patriots are finding ways to win, Tom Brady is throwing the ball around at will, and the Steelers might be a bit lost without Big Ben under center. This game might be better if Ben didn’t get hurt, but we’ll see how Landry fairs.
Seattle Seahawks (4-1) at Arizona Cardinals (3-3)
Just as I began writing this, I saw a tweet saying Carson Palmer is on the sideline of practice without a helmet and working with trainers. It’s that time of year, Cardinals fans, where Palmer gets injured and god knows what the hell will happen. Whether or not Palmer plays on Sunday doesn’t matter – this matchup has been one of the best in recent seasons. Christine Michael certainly has awoken. He’s been a beast, along with the addition of CJ Spiller back from the dead, and a few carries (and a TD!) from the rookie Alex Collins – the rushing attack for Seattle isn’t awful. The offense needs to wake up a bit more, but the defense is on point. Number one defense against the 5th ranked defense. This may end up being a low scoring affair. Palmer’s absence might be a factor this week if he doesn’t go.
Houston Texans (4-2) at Denver Broncos (4-2)
The defending Super Bowl champions have found themselves in a bit of a slump. They’ve lost the last two games against teams they should’ve handled. They still have the 4th best defense, but their offense is not great – at all. But I found some sweet GIFs of Von Miller:
Happy birthday to me!