**Editor’s Note: Ted wanted this to be unedited and untouched in any way. However, the editorial staff thought it was best to not subject our readers to such torture. So while some editing took place, we found a happy medium to give you ‘Drunk Ted’s’ words as accurately as we could while still being decipherable. Enjoy.**
Welcome to another week of What would Ted Flint do, it is currently 1:04 am and I am drinking an ice cold America. Let’s do this.
@MNelson_ISU: #WWTFD What all would make your “Mount Rushmore” of memes?
I have been sitting here for 10 minutes thinking about this. I mean the ‘Archer Ants’ meme has to make the list right? It’s my go to. Also a big fan of ‘Pepperidge Farms’ meme from Family Guy so that is up in my top four. Does the ‘Choo Choo Motherfucker’ train count a meme? It better or we are going to fight. What made the ‘Choo Choo Motherfucker’ is when @KelbyWingert, bless her heart, pasted Matt Thomas’ face to the train. She is awesome, give her a follow. And last but not least Kermit drinking tea, Of course you have to replace the tea with an ice-cold Busch Light. But Ted, these memes seem to be memes that you have created. So what – deal with it.
@reflectivity: Would you rather kick Goodell in the shin or the nuts? #WWTFD
It’s the balls, 100 percent. Did you know this asshole made like $40 million for doing nothing? The NFL is terrible, but none of us care because we only care about our fantasy team. That being said I need to figure out who I should play between John ‘Smokey Brown’ and Eli Rogers and I know #youdontcareaboutmyfantasyteam.
@tom_danielson: We all know the 5 second rule is garbage, so just how long can food sit on the floor before you will no longer eat it? #WWTFD
What kind of food we talking? I mean is it hard and dry? Hell I would pick of a piece of good jerky out of the freaking landfill. Because if it’s dry, nothing can stick to it, right? Don’t ruin this for me. If the food is wet, or sticky – fuck that shit. Only a heathen would pick that up. Sticky food on the floor means death. That is how Alexander the Great died. Don’t got to Wikipedia, just trust me. He died because he ate a piece of wet food he dropped on the floor. Same as Genghis Khan. Don’t bother looking that up either.
@havrhll: #WWTFD if the Cardinals won the World Series this year?
I would cry like a child who just found out Santa Claus isn’t real, and drink every ounce of booze in my house. PS. if I just ruined Santa Claus please send all complaints to @jared_leeper on Twitter.
@stanz51: #WWTFD If he had to fight 100 duck sized horses or one horse sized duck
Either way I am fucked. I mean let’s be honest here. The horse sized duck bites my freaking head off, and I saw Jurassic Park 2. Those 100 duck-sized horses are going to gang up on me. Maybe I can run, but the question says to fight. Fuck. Ok, how about I maybe kill one of the small horses and beat the death the other horses with the dead one? No this doesn’t work. So let’s talk about the one horse sized duck. We talking pony or Clydesdale? Anyways, let’s go Mr. Ed type duck. I feel like maybe I get up on his or her neck, I’m not sexist – this duck could be a female. Don’t fall into the doctor riddle about the father and son.. Shit, I got sidetracked. Anyway, maybe if I’m lucky I break the neck and I walk away. Come on, it could happen right?
@chadaustin71: #WWTFD Hawkeyes & Jayhawks playing for a National Championship.
I would – let me think about this for a second. Hell, I am going to need a beer. I’ll be right back.
**Editor’s Note: This question was left unanswered when Ted submitted this article. That was either intentional, or he got too drunk and passed out. I’ll leave that up for you all to decide.**
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