It’s the time of the year that we all become so anxious about as it draws closer. You realize that summer is winding down and school is about to kick back up, so that can only mean one thing! NEW SHARKNADO MOVIE!!! Now, I know there’s too many of you out there who haven’t watched a single second of any of the movies because “they sound stupid.” While you aren’t necessarily wrong, you’re missing one hell of an opportunity. I’ve put in the work to get you caught up on the ridiculous plot, or lack thereof, so you can be prepared for Sunday’s premiere of “The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time!”
We’ll start with a quick run through of the first movie where they seemed to at least partially try to make something of this monstrosity. The film opens with an homage to Jaws, because of course. Next thing we know, we’re in Santa Monica where the weather channel is talking about Hurricane David off the coast of California caused by global warming. Ian Ziering plays Fin, who is a former surfer turned bar owner who begins to fight off sharks as the beach floods. We quickly find out his ex-wife, April (Tara Reid), is right down the road and he’s going to get her. The storm rages and blows the Ferris Wheel down the pier, running over at least 1 person. It becomes lodged in an apartment building and no one seems concerned. The storm claims the HOLLYWOOD sign next, blowing the letters all over. The W smashes a bus driver in front of the kids he was hauling around. Still, no one around cares. The tornadoes begin to form over LA sending sharks everywhere. Fin and his family gear up with a plan that they’re going to fly a helicopter right by the storm and throw bombs into the tornadoes to de-pressurize them. Somehow, this ridiculous plan works for 2 tornadoes, but the 3rd one is being quite stubborn. To fix this, they drive a Hummer filled with bombs into the tornado and this works. I’m sure science supports this somehow. In the mean time, Fin has dived head first into a shark’s mouth for no real reason other than to get eaten. He’s next shown chainsawing his way out of the shark’s belly, where he’s found his previously eaten bartender in the shark as well. There’ so much more to this, but that’s a quick synopsis of the first film. Trust me, it only gets better.
Sharknado 2: The Second One
The second film quickly shows the downturn from the first one, if that’s really even possible. It opens with an homage to Airplane! where Fin has to crash land a plane that gets caught in a shark storm over New York City. April has written a book called “How to Survive a Sharknado” and it’s apparently quite a hit. As they’re landing, April’s hand gets eaten by a shark, she lets out the absolute worst screams and howls for about 2 minutes. Fast forward through this if you ever watch it. We cut to Times Square where Mark McGrath is with his family (he’s apparently Fin’s brother-in-law, they never really tell you this). Matt Lauer is doing a Today Show report on the storm, Andy Dick is a cop questioning if any of this is real. Billy Ray Cyrus is the doctor attending to April in the hospital, she’s missing a scheduled appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael. Judd Hirsch is driving Fin around NYC in a taxi, Vivica A. Fox is an old college friend of Fin’s, I think? They come across a former Mets player and manager at a game at Citi Field. The player is played by Richard Kind. As they talk to him, the shark storm moves in, Kind picks up a bat and smokes a shark probably 475′ to dead center. Fin, Sugar Ray and Vivica are on the subway when the tunnels flood with sharks. As they emerge from the subway, Judd Hirsch is there to pick them up. Impeccable timing really. As the tornadoes form, they realize they need bombs again. Biz Markie owns a pizza place (its the most realistic thing in the movie), and lends them propane and they gear up at YOLO’B’US. They go to the roof of a skyscraper and begin to slingshot bombs into the storm, it just isn’t working. April arrives from sneaking out of the hospital in a fire truck. Kurt Angle is the fire chief who’s giving Fin permission to essentially blow up the Empire State Building to stop this thing. Fin gives a hype speech to the city, then pulls the crazy move shown below. The in’s and out’s on how they use a cage, lightning and Freon to stop this doesn’t make sense, but it happens and the Empire State Building blows up. Fin lassos and rides a shark back to safety, which is the top of the Empire State Building. Here, April saves him from a shark by revealing she turned her missing hand into a saw. I don’t know.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
They intro this one with the James Bond Goldeneye intro. They’re in DC where Fin is receiving the Medal of Freedom from US President Mark Cuban and Vice President Ann Coulter. April is pregnant, but at Universal Studios in Orlando. Lou Ferrigno is just kind of there. A tornado forms in the Potomac and moves into DC. Lou Ferrigno yells “you don’t want to make me angry” at a shark, he’s then eaten. Monuments are getting destroyed by falling sharks, a Great White falls into Abe Lincoln’s lap. The tornado recedes into the sky, the lone falling shark is killed by Fin, Mark McGrath, the prez and VP raising a flag in an Iwo Jima pose to impale it. Now down in Orlando, April is with her mom, Bo Derek. Fin is driving down to Orlando where he runs into his former bartender Nova, who’s accompanied by Frankie Muniz. There’s tornadoes popping up all along the east coast, which has been renamed “The Feast Coast.” Frankie Muniz is torn apart limb by limb, which is kind of satisfying. Next thing we know a storm ruins the Daytona 500 where Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski get eaten. Jerry Springer shows up just to get eaten. Chris Jericho is running a roller coaster, he gets eaten. George RR Martin is in a theater and drops a “Out there it sure looks like winter is coming.” He is then eaten. They decide the only way to defeat this wall of tornadoes is to go to space. They sort of hijack a space shuttle, oh yeah, Fin’s dad is David Hasselhoff, former astronaut. Chad Johnson gets them in their spacesuit which is just football pads and Carhartt boots. The Hoff has to go to a satellite in space to reposition a last to destroy the tornadoes and does so successfully, but they don’t have the fuel to save him. Fin flies into the mouth of a shark, again, and rides him back to Earth. April was in space but didn’t really do anything, but she rode a shark back too and had her baby on the way down, they name him Gil. The Hoff is on the moon. The Today Show crew got eaten live on air. This is seriously how it ends.
Sharknado: The 4th Awakens
It’s a Star Wars intro. A company called Astro-X has created a weather stabilizing system that hasn’t allowed a sharknado in 5 years. The owner of the company has created a huge casino/resort in Las Vegas called Shark World. It has a 30 story shark tank on the outside. Fin is in town to meet up with his family, Carrot Top is his Uber driver. Al Roker is doing a report on the Today Show about how a sharknado is attacking Las Vegas, I don’t know. A shark falls through a casino ceiling eating a lady playing a Sharknado slot machine (I lost $100 on that slot machine once). The Strip floods and Fin is at Treasure Island, his son is at New York, New York. That’s quite a trek. Fin sails the pirate ship from TI down the strip like he was born to do it, the Bellagio Fountains are launching sharks everywhere. “Shark-berg right ahead!” and “Viva Las Vegas” are yelled within 10 seconds of each other. Gary Busey is April’s dad, this turns into a hell of a plot line. He’s basically turned her into a complete cyborg at this point because she apparently almost died sometime? We never get this story. Tornado at the Hoover Dam, had to blow up the Grand Canyon to stop the river. Fin drives a train because the conductor got eaten. In Texas, a sharknado destroys an oil field and ignites, Firenado! They buy fire extinguishers and chainsaws from Dog the Bounty Hunter. A tornado in Yellowstone turns into a Lavanado. In Kansas, a power station turned one into a lightningnado, cue a handful of Wizard of Oz quotes. We end up in Chicago and the lightningnado heads to Ohio and becomes nuclear. Next thing is Niagara Falls to kill this thing, which somehow they do, again, I don’t know. Everyone gets eaten, then the shark that ate Fin gets eaten by a shark which is eaten by a shark which is eaten by a shark which is eaten by a whale. Everyone emerges from the whale. Again, this is seriously how it ends.
Sharknado 5: Global Swarming
Indiana Jones intro. Nova is back, she’s discovered cave markings indicating ancient sharknados. Fin is in London with April and Gil. Clay Aiken is a British weapons creator. Chris Kattan is the British Prime Minister. Fin meets Nova to explore a cave below Stonehenge that has sharks, prompting him to say “Sharks. Why’s it always gotta be sharks?” They find a relic that belongs to the shark god or some shit. They really piss him off by taking it so a sharknado with a portal is created. They steal a double decker bus to run away, which they run over Bret Michaels with. He’s fine, just stuck on the front of the bus playing guitar. He’s soon eaten. Fin rides a shark through Buckingham Palace to find and save the queen, played by Charo. Gil gets sucked into the portalnado. Fin tries to get help from a top scientist who’s a bit wacky. It’s Geraldo Rivera, he flies the Hindenburg XL 3000. It crashes in the Alps and Geraldo is eaten. April spins so fast that as cyborg, she creates her own tornado, and for the first time in all of the movies they play music they had to pay rights for. They get sucked into the portalnado and get launched to Sydney. April is attacked by a shark, but repaired and comes back looking like a bad cross between Harley Quinn and the world’s biggest No Doubt fan. The Sydney Opera House turns into a battle station with missiles and such, Tony Hawk has to skateboard around to get things in place. Now we’re in Brazil, nothing happens, on to Italy. A guy steals the relic they found, but a shark ends up eating it. Fin slices him right up tho and takes it back. The pope wants to see Fin. He obliges, it’s Fabio, he gives him a chainsaw from god. Now we’re in Japan, there’s a nuclear “tornado” that’s actually just a group of sharks shaped like a shark causing widespread damage. Fin and April discover how to start their own sharknado with their relic thing, they straighten the Tower of Pisa with it. The Today Show crew that died is back. There’s 7 sharknadoes terrorizing the US. Fin’s son calls, says the entire family is dead. They end up in Egypt where it seems a tool to end all this is located in the Sphinx. It works, then it doesn’t and fucks everything up. April has to do some crazy robot scream bullshit for like 3 minutes that’s super damn annoying, fast forward through this part. She ends up exploding and dying. Everyone everywhere is dead except Fin. An Army Jeep pulls up out of nowhere and Dolph Lundgren comes out. He needs Fin’s help. We quickly find out this is actually grown up Gil. He has a flux capacitor and a hovering car! We’re time traveling, baby! And that’s seriously how that one ends.
There you have it! A full series recap to prep you for Sunday. There’s more to the stories but the other details really aren’t that important to anything. I guess none of it is. And I know it seemed like I was just jumping around a lot but that’s really about as smooth as the movies go. It’s so incredibly terrible that I love every single second of it. Rewatching these movies this week to bring this to you gave me so much joy and excitement! So be ready for The Final Sharknado: It’s About Time Sunday night at 7pm Central on SyFy!