August 20, 2018

The Bachelorette: An ode to fake job titles and missing socks

The moment we’ve all been waiting for is here…the much awaited Bachelorette season with Becca as our bachelorette after being dumped on live TV after receiving the engagement from Arie.

OLD NEWS at this point except for the guy who decided to bring a cut out of Arie to, “I thought he should make an appearance tonight, so he got a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight”. Creepy. Please stop.

So how did Becca do on night one?

Initial Reaction: What the f*$@

First of all, I’ve watched a lot of these seasons but I’ve never cringed so much during introductions. I understand nerves and pressure must be at an all time high here for these men but truly some of the most awkward interactions and distasteful introductions.

LEAVE ARIE AT HOME 

Obviously it’s hard not to bring him up being the whole reason Becca was brought on as the bachelorette was because ya know, he ended their engagement on national television. I understand the recap of the horrible situation but bringing in the former bachelorettes and just having an “I hate Arie” party was so wack. What’s with the juju dance and Rachel screaming “F*$@ Arie”. This is getting old by now to be honest.

What really missed the mark was the guys who decided to use him in their introduction. It was sweet of Grant to be apologetic and want to show he felt for Beccas struggle but why waste your first impression dwelling on the past. The producers had to have told Mike not to tell anyone else about his Arie cut-out idea because anyone would’ve told him that was stupid. Nick’s little undressing skit in the suit hidden under the ridiculous racing outfit was so cliche.

Arie is happily engaged and building a life with Lauren whether you like it or not. Let’s stop bringing him up and focus on Beccas journey.

But seriously…the introductions were bad

Some guys ran out of words or had little to say, some should’ve just kept their mouths shut and some went the extra mile.

Let me start by saying that I wasn’t disappointed that someone jumped out of a hearse but what he said is what ruined it. I feel like he could’ve done a cheesy “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” but instead awkwardly did an act…

Let’s take a moment and cringe for 15 seconds after remembering that fashionista Jordan decided to stay awkwardly mute for a period of time to let Becca hear the footsteps of his shoes to make her think of the heartbeat of a gentleman? What in the actual…

Speaking of fashion, why did more men than not wear shorter pants and no socks. I’m all for men who can dress sharply and all that jazz but I’m just really confused by this!!!

If anyone took the crown for Fashion MVP it’s truly, the charming Blake! Rode in on a horse his first intro, brings an ox the second and shows up in a suit that paints color on the shiny driveway that most men show up in wearing neutral suits.

My prediction is I’m having flashbacks to Dean and our sweet little Blake is just hanging out until they send him to Paradise.

Three-on-one date on night one

Usually this type of situation comes up every season, the person with the ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend who sending someone texts or something along that narrative. Becca’s season blessed us with it on night one.

THE REAL MVP: Danielle, the ex-girlfriend.

What I find fascinating and JUST LOVE every season is the person who comes on the show and plays this body guard role so much they forget to just focus on making an impression. Except, what I’m mind blown about is that Becca kept the guy who came snitching away at her. Personally, let’s just drop both? I personally don’t care to focus on the men who feel the need to do this. Sure, maybe the other guy was just trying to do the right thing and warn Becca and have the right intentions for her. It’s night one, seriously, let’s not do this playground shit tonight.

Danielle, you’re doing great sweetie. Even if you were maybe an ex from two years ago or two months ago.

At the end of the day let’s talk about who won the show.

Jacqueline Cordova | The Tailgate Society

Grade Report: 

A: Christon the professional dunker

The NBA Finals are upon us and Christon came in dunking for Becca’s heart with his dreamy eyes. It just seemed appropriate and perfectly timed.

While other men are tapping their shoes to mean a symbolic “heart beating” or are using some weird tactics about bringing a costume or bringing a piece of cake to impress her, Christon literally DUNKED OVER HER. How is that not the most impressive move? The first night is about making a good impression and he did just that.

Maybe I’m being biased because I’d be swoon over this but whatever!!!!!!!!!!!

“He just dunked on the bachelorette” was a phrase I didn’t know we needed in our lives.

B. Jordan the fashionista 

Listen, this guy might be annoying af but he is our golden star. The producers are 100% forcing Becca to keep him around as much as they can because he will bring us so much juicy content.

He literally didn’t try to hang out with Becca once and basically implied that it was okay because he’s a good looking model and his generic gray suit with his seafoam pocket square was more than enough to make an impression…on the producers that is. Remember when he said if Becca didn’t give him a rose it’d be the biggest upset of all time? WE NEED HIM.

The Ken doll memes on twitter are what I am here for.

I’d love to sit in the corner of these cocktail parties with Jordan and sip on our drinks and just talk shit about everyone else in the room and their lack of wearing socks.

C – Chicken Man

Nobody will ever be as memorable as Alexis was with her shark costume because well, she insisted it was actually a dolphin but he literally didn’t do anything except piss Jordan off.

He made a couple weird noises but never took advantage of the power he held dressed as a chicken.

The effort was there but he didn’t hit it home.

D – Garrett the soccer dad 

First of all, Becca may have been swoon and had her first kiss with this guy after he won her over with the fishing trick but the mini van with diapers was so creepy to me…

Like COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

A soccer ball? A diaper bag? A MINI VAN. HOW is this truly a good first impression.

Plus with everything on twitter about how he’s lowkey a racist, I’m unimpressed.

F – Becca deserves the F after eliminating Joe

Chris Harrison already tweeted that Joe is going to paradise and I AM SALTY.

HOW DARE YOU send this precious man from Chicago who owns a grocery store, home? His introduction may have been a tad awkward but he was so nervous he forgot what he was going to say!!!! That’s so precious.

I’m taking this personal. We keep the gossip queen and the weird guy who thinks he’s the king of fragrances BUT not sweet Joe who cares about his fruit and veggies…

I’m fine.

Remember when you could take classes pass/fail?

Kamil not only got stuck with a fake job title thanks to the producers and Jake genuinely thought he could make a connection with Becca and stick around after he already knew her outside of the show? Good try for your five minutes of fame, boys!

The season preview 

I don’t have a direct feel for what’s to come until I see at least one full episode of real dates. What we were shown though seems promising.

I am here for the virgin who’s accused of being full of shit, I am here for guys getting overly emotional and fighting and of course, take a shot every time the producers direct Becca to look off into the distance and walk around random parts of the cities they visit and going over how she can’t go through what Arie did to her again with tears hanging on her nose.

 

 

Jacqueline Cordova
Jacqueline Cordova 15 Articles
Staff Writer

Jacqueline is a current Iowa State student studying journalism. After writing one article for Ethos Magazine on athletes, Jacqueline realized her original plans with an English major were wrong and she flipped her whole life upside down and now wants to devote the rest of her life to the sports industry. Jacqueline takes great liking to bar popcorn and long islands. Some, if not everybody, would describe Jacqueline as the "mom friend". You can find Jacqueline either listening to rap music, googling videos of corgi puppies or looking for the next friend to feed cookies and a home cooked meal.

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