As another year draws to a close, people are starting to think about what they can do differently to live their best life in the year to come. Spending more time at the gym and quitting bad habits are common resolutions, but your co-workers may have some other suggestions for you. Think of this as a Christmas Carol-style intervention—don’t be this guy.
The one whose cell phone ringer is on
Office environments vary, but most of us do not have the luxury of our own personal space where we are not subjected to the sounds of others. Imagine you’re on a tight deadline or having an important work-related conversation. Suddenly, the most annoying ring breaks your focus. And then again. And again. And again. Who wants to be subjected to tiny electronic screeches that aren’t even the ones you prefer?!
I have a theory that the most common offenders are older folks who didn’t get scolded for having their ringtones on in school. But no matter your age, if it hasn’t occurred to you that this is rude and unprofessional in most environments, um, it is.
The one who trims their nails
I would venture to guess that if you had the foresight to buy special clippers for the office, you have them at home, too. Would you shave at your desk? Would you dry shampoo your hair? Personal hygiene is exactly that—personal—and it belongs at home. At the very least, go to the bathroom to do what you gotta do. No one at your office wants a visual reminder that you’re slacking on taking care of your claws and they really do not want to find a stray trimming.
The ones who talk in the middle of a busy area
It’s awesome to find co-workers that you don’t just tolerate, but actually like. And sometimes you just have to tell someone about the heinous scarf that Carol is wearing! But narrow, well-trafficked areas of the office where other people have to walk around you are not the place to stop and be a gossip girl. Next year, find a table or a corner out of the way to have a heart to heart with your bro-worker.
The one who leaves one second left on the microwave
First of all, I really want to know what is going to happen in that single second before the time expires. Is your food going to explode? By leaving time on the microwave, you’re forcing someone else to pick up after you. This also applies to leaving communal drawers and cupboards open. Your mom probably doesn’t work with you and, even if she does, you are a grown ass person who should know better than to pawn your labor off on others, mmkay?
The one who sprays too much perfume
Air freshening mists, colognes, and perfumes are pretty nice with one very important caveat: don’t get carried away. For one, not everyone likes the same scents. What smells like beautiful flowers to one person can scream Grandma’s perfume to another. Second, excessively strong scents can trigger allergies and give people headaches. No one wants to sit in stank, but as long as you are bathing and washing your clothes, it’s ok to take the perfume down a notch.
The one who makes gross sickness noises
We the people of the cube farms are bound to get sick at some point. A certain amount of sniffling is inevitable, but then there’s that guy who sounds like Patient Zero in a movie about bio-terrorism. If you are coughing so much you nearly vomit or are hacking up literally anything, it’s time to go to the doctor. If you can’t do that, get some good over the counter meds and save the rest of us from your germy symphony.
The one who is creepy and inappropriate
The previous offenders on this list have been annoying yet harmless, but this one is not, so listen up. Do not hug or touch your co-workers. Do not bring up their sex lives. Do not spread rumors about them. Do not attempt to coerce them into dating or having sex with you, especially if you are in a position of power over them. If you can’t do that, go work this out with a therapist before you ruin careers.