December 16, 2017

Big XII Football Programs as Bachelor/ette Contestants.

Football and reality-tv dating.  Two American staples.

Here we are.  Three fourths of the way through the 2017 college football regular season but maybe even more importantly, two-thirds of the way through the Bachelor off-season.  It was 13 weeks ago when Rachel Lindsay picked Bryan Abasolo and while the premier date for Season 22 has yet to be announced, it’s typically within the first 10 days of January, putting us 9 weeks from Arie Luyendyk (still not 100% sure who that is) beginning his journey for love & 9 weeks from the National Championship game.

If you’re an Iowa State fan you’re likely still pinching yourself and hoping the football season never ends.  If you’re Kansas you’ve been counting down to basketball since March and likely following Reality Steve for spoilers to win your Bachelor office pool.  Maybe you’re equally excited about both football and cheesy dating shows.  Whichever way you lean I am here to provide some extremely deep-rooted, hard-hitting analysis matching up each of the Big XII football program to an (in)famous cast member from the Bachelor franchise.

Baylor University is Ryan McDill.  

This was the easiest pairing since brie & chardonnay. Most probably don’t remember Ryan as like the Baylor football program, his relevancy was short-lived. Ryan is what you picture when you think “meathead” and he had an attitude to match.  Ryan was eliminated before the first rose ceremony due to being loud, obnoxious and drunk.  Let’s be honest, it was really fucking entertaining at first and then he asked another contestant “Why am I not raping you right now?”.  Ryan later went on to say he had no regrets and wasn’t sorry for joking about sexual assault. See what I mean? Easy pairing.

Iowa State University is Chris Harrison.

Okay, so I’m kind of cheating here since Chris is the host of the show and not a contestant.  I might seem biased picking one of the most liked and iconic tv personalities for my alma mater, but just hear me out.  Where Chris Harrison goes, one of three things follows; drama, embarrassment or heartbreak.  See where I am going here?  Have you also ever noticed how he disappears for long periods of time, seemingly forgotten about and then BAM! shows up out of nowhere and is the center of attention?  Remind you of anyone?

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University of Kansas is Nick Viall.
Nick Viall has had his heart broke FOUR times on national tv.  Twice on The Bachelorette, once on Bachelor in Paradise, and once on The Bachelor.  This guy just can’t win.  Neither can Kansas.

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Kansas State University is Chris Soules.
There’s an obvious connection here and that connection is agriculture.  Yes, the franchise’s 19th bachelor is an Iowa farmer so the Cyclones may have been the obvious choice but Chris is a Hawkeye fan and my cardinal and gold heart just can’t associate the two. Process of elimination makes KSU the next obvious choice. Chris Soules was a part of a fatal hit & run accident in April 2017 that is still awaiting trial. Kansas State’s vampire coach, the legendary 78-year-old Bill Snyder has got to be nearing retirement (or sorry State fans, death)  any time now.  In a way, the future of both Chris and Wildcat football is foggy.

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University of Oklahoma is Sean Lowe.
Oklahoma is far and away the most successful football program the conference has.  You can hate “Boomer Sooner” all day but at the end of that day there is no denying they have earned the respect of their competitors.  Likewise, Sean Lowe is far and away the most successful Bachelor. Out of 21 seasons of The Bachelor only 2 are currently married to women they met on the show. Sean gets the nod over Jason Mesnick (whom actually ended up dumping his final rose pick before the finale and got back together & married his runner-up) as he has been married to his final pick Catherine Giudici for nearly 4 years.  They have a 1-year-old son and just announced they are pregnant with their second.  Check out their Instagram accounts. Serious #relationshipgoals.

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Oklahoma State University is Brad Womack.
Oh Brad, Brad, Brad.  For some reason, ABC brought back Brad for a second go as The Bachelor after not choosing either of the women on his first season. Spoiler alert: The second time didn’t work out for Womack either.  Both times we thought Brad was well on his way to happily ever after.  Similarly, the Cowboys always seem destined to unseat the conference powerhouses only to stumble and be proved incompetent at finishing a promising season.  Okay, they won the Big XII in 2011 but something tells me that season also ended sourly for Cowboy fans.  2013? 2nd Place.  2015? 2nd place.  2016? 2nd place.

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Texas Christian University is Dean Unglert.
Come on, admit it.  We all kind of loved TCU at first.  They were the cute little mid-major coming to play with the big boys.  Who doesn’t love frogs? And they’re purple! Then we realized horned frogs are horrible little monsters that squirt blood from their eyes and are actually pretty freaking competent in their “playing”. Enter Dean Unglert. Dean was America’s sweetheart on Rachel Lindsay’s season; young, naive, and cute.  Everyone was cheering for him and then cried with him when he was eliminated after an emotional hometown date. People campaigned for him to be the next Bachelor before a pesky little spin-off called Bachelor in Paradise showed us his true colors.  Dean played America’s other sweetheart – Kristina Schulman – like a Russian fiddle.  Dean entered into an incredibly selfish love triangle and America has yet to forgive him for how he handled things.

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University of Texas is Juan Pablo.

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This one was also pretty easy and it’s due to the hate factor.  Does anyone besides Matthew McConaughey like Texas?  Does Texas even *REALLY* like Texas?  Everything is bigger in Texas and that includes the egos.  Juan Pablo would have fit right in as he’s known for doing perhaps the most taboo thing in Bachelor lore – never saying those 3 little words and not proposing to the girl who got the final rose.  Google “most hated bachelor” and you’ll see his name… a lot.  Everything worked out okay as both Pablo and his former fiance are now both happily married to other people.  I’m sure Texas, if they can find a coach they don’t want to run out-of-town, will also someday have their own happy ending.  

Texas Tech is Byron Velvick.
Who?  Exactly.  I guess he’s some professional fisherman?  I don’t know, I had to Wikipedia him.  Speaking of not knowing anything about something, does anyone know anything about Texas Tech? Besides that their coach is Ryan Gosling?  They never seem to truly challenge for a title but aren’t basement dwellers either.  They seem to float around in the middle unnoticed more times than not.  In fact, they have finished with a conference record a game below, a game above or right at .500 in 16 of the 21 completed Big XII seasons.  I guess I do know something about them.

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West Virginia University is Kaitlyn Bristowe.

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Curve ball – it’s a woman!   Even though I have a current distaste for the Mountaineers after the events of last weekend, I thoroughly enjoyed watching their crazy fans so I’m still going to match them up with my favorite cast member of all time.  Kaitlyn is a wildcard.  No one thought this girl would get to Final 3 of Chris Soules season let alone be asked to be the next Bachelorette; she was high risk.  She drinks, cusses like a sailor, slept with who she wanted to when she wanted to (shatter that glass ceiling, girl!)  and she royally pissed off ABC by spoiling which dude she picked on Snapchat before the finale aired.   She doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of her and I feel like Mountaineer fans can relate.  Despite the distraction of erratic, couch-burning fans in the stands, the Mountaineers still tend to put together a pretty successful program with big wins, respectable conference finishes, and above average players.

Lindsey Schoon
Lindsey Schoon 3 Articles

Staff Writer

Lindsey is a Pocahontas, Iowa native. After receiving her Kinesiology degree from Iowa State University she moved to San Diego, California to see if anyone there knew what kinesiology was and how it could make her money. No one there knew either so she now tells a Fortune 500 company in Kansas City how to spend their money. Her New Years Resolution is to be able to touch her toes someday. She looks good in hats, likes the worst dog more than the best person, and doesn’t give a fuck what you think of her.

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