Good afternoon Frenemies & Football Fans!
Welcome back to another edition of the Sportsball Summary – I took last week off partially due to a bad case of crippling laziness – but mostly because I didn’t want to brag about the Jags again and curse it…(a lot of good that did). Since obviously that didn’t work, I figured I’d recap things once again the best way I know how…With Memes!
With the first quarter of the season behind us, and nothing seems to make sense. The Bills are leading the AFC East, the Panthers beat the Patriots, Cowboys lost at home to the Rams, Jaguars are leading their division and OJ Simpson is a free man…and Alex Smith is the only undefeated QB????
You could blame injuries, you could blame coaching changes – you can even blame the fact that the world has currently lost its damn mind…and you’d probably be partially right one way or another. It’s really hard to pick a sure thing this year – the league is in absolute chaos, and I’m starting to get the feeling I might be bad luck – every-time I start to root for a team they go down in flames. The only absolute is that I’m not winning any fantasy championships this season – oh and the Browns still suck (mark it, they win this weekend). While I haven’t been too good at predicting the games, I am still able to know a crappy performance when I see one – so with that in mind let’s dive right into Week 4’s craptastic review.
THE BIG UPSETS:
Cowboys / Rams (30-35): America’s team has become much like the current state of the nation – confusing and hard to watch. Last season’s dynamic duo of Dak and “Captain Crop Top” Zeke Elliot have struggled as of late to rally their team to much of anything inspiring as they can’t even seem to win at home against the Rams.
Now to be fair – this ain’t your same old Jeff Fisher led stink fest squad from St Louis – this is the new and improved Hometown heroes of LA – feature Gurley 2.0 and a surprisingly capable Jared Goff. That said – with a team packed with talent like Grandpa Witten, Zeke and Prescott would be off to a more impressive start than 2-2…and their only “statement” victory came from the beat-down they gave a terrible NY Giants team. They’ve been nothing short of disappointing so far
Giants/ Bucs (23 – 25) Speaking of disappointments – lets discuss the one in New York… The Giants! Tebow H Christ they’re awful. They’re as hard to watch as Eli’s facial expressions. Even with Odell back, Brandon Marshall in the mix and young stud Sterling Shepard healthy, the most handsome Manning can’t seem to muster up that old dumb luck that helped two Superbowl rings fall into his very confused lap.
Coach Ben MacAdoo – with his pedostache and bad-ass bowl cut, seems to be the most confused person out there – blaming Eli for crappy plays that he called. The only thing uglier than his haircut is their atrocious offensive line. But hey – it’s still early. Lots of teams that start 0-4 go on to great things….like early draft picks. On the bright side, it’s not like the team can get much worse.
Bears / Packers (14 – 35) The $45 Million Man Mike Glennon is not one to go out quietly. No, he dances to the beat of a different drum – paves his own way and takes the proverbial bull by the horns. Fans think he’s bad? Oh he’ll show you bad…how’s 5 Interceptions in just 4 games sound? Yea, that’ll show them!! Make the windy city’s decision to bench the Second coming of Cutler easy, Glennon played some pretty terrible football in his time with Chicago – which only made it easier for the fans that initially boo’d the pick to finally chant “TRUBISKY TIME”!! Will the College “phenom” that started 13 games at UNC show why they call him Money Mitch? (A) I doubt it, and B) I double checked and no one actually calls him that). Time will tell, but to be honest it can’t get much worse.
ADDITIONAL MEME WORTHY GAMES TO SHAME
Steelers / Ravens (26-9) Joe Flacco (aka the rich man’s Jay Cutler) has had a rough year. 1st there are rumors that Baltimore fans want Kaepernick instead of ol’ Captain Interception (6 so far this season…SIX), then he gets embarrassed on an international stage to the London Silly Pussies 44-7, now he and his rag-tag group of rejects get crushed in a must win home against division rivals Big Ben and the boys.
While the score may look like it was an ass-beating, the actual game proved much, much worse. Makes you wonder how awkward Thanksgiving is for John when he sees his brother and knows hes the lesser Harbaugh brother.
This week doesn’t look much better as they travel to Oakland to meet Beastmode and EJ Manuel 2.0. But on the bright side they didn’t lose to the Bengals.
Jags/Jets (20-23) Following their impressive overseas manhandling of those bitches from Baltimore – the Jags once again looked like the team to beat in the AFC South – showing that they really have changed and “maybe next year” might finally be this year! In a sure-win situation against the other awful team from NY, the boys from Actionville were poised to shock the world…then, the game started. The most impressive play of the game was a Jags 81 yard Defensive Touchdown. To make matters worse, the Jets pulled the same fake-punt bs on the Jags that we had just used last week. Jags played so bad they managed to make the friggin’ Jets look like contenders…well not really – they sucked too. At least Sacksonville still leads the league in sacks…
OTHER GAMES I DON’T HAVE TIME TO MOCK
As usually I’ve rambled on too long – so I’ll start wrapping it up with the other scores in case you cared:
Bills/Falcons (23-17) Atlanta already in that February Superbowl form
Eagles/ Chargers (26-24) Does it count as a loss at home if only the opponent’s fans show up?
Redskins/Chiefs (20-29) Kirk Cousins continued his quest to be the most inconsistent QB in NFL, having a great game while still managing to look bad…
Cardinals/49ers (18-15) If you like field goals, then this was the game for you!
Lions/Vikings (14-7) I swear the Vikings are cursed
Raider/Broncos (10-16) The city of Oakland should issue an Amber Alert for Amari Cooper – dudes’ been missing for weeks now.
Panthers/Patriots (33-30) Nothing sums up this season better than the fact that the Pats have lost two games and have the worst defense in the league…Dafuq??
Brown/ Bengals (7-31) Yay, Cinici didn’t loose! You beat the Browns, so congrats?
Texans/Titans (57-14) DeShaun making de-case for Rookie of the year already with this performance…either that or the Titans are just really, really representative of the AFC South
Colts/ Seahawks (18-46) The trash can team from Indianapolis on a quest to be the worst team in the AFC South. That’s pretty damn impressive.
Saints / Dolphins (20-0) Time to face the facts – Cutler may be the worst thing to happen to South Beach since Lebron leaving.
OK, I’M DONE
Thanks again for reading through all this nonsense. I think that just about covers it. Tune in next week when every team I bashed wins and I have to backtrack once again (except the Jags and Browns).
I’ll leave you with this fun fact:
Have a great day & Go Sacksonville!!