Greetings friends & closet nerds, welcome back to another edition of Talk Nerdy to Me – your go-to source for unfiltered opinions, on comics, news, video games, trailers and all the down and dirty about all things nerdy.
FUN FACT: Before AJ & I began our prestigious careers in nerd-centric podcasts and pro-bono writing for The Tailgate Society, we were once quite the Dynamic Duo of Real Estate. Not many people are aware of this, but we once lived the high life, listing infamous dwellings of powerful feudal families and constantly battling clans. Yes, the two of us were quite the wheelers and dealers in Westeros – we even pitched a pilot episode to HGTV called Castle Kings. Sadly, we were found to be “off putting to viewers” and were told that “even the imp was more interesting”…so they scrapped the premise and sold it to HBO as a period piece disguised as a medieval-inspired fantasy porn/revenge epic.
With the rejection of our TV/Real Estate pet project (coupled with the stress of dealing with tyrannically incestuous despots, the occasional dragon sighting, and random White Walker attacks on an almost daily basis) we decided to hang up our real estate hats and become corporate lackeys like the rest of you suckers.
Ok, so half of that might not be true…but most of it happened just like that. Or some of it…well whether it happened or not is just splitting hairs – the point is, this week we decided to change things up a bit and wanted to do little something fun in honor of Game of Thrones returning July 16th. And rather than just write a tired old recap, we decided we’d give you our best Listings from the Wonderful Land of Westeros (as if the Castles were actually for sale). Plus, no recap can be as cool as Samuel L. Jackson’s 6 season summary below anyways:
Now that you get the jist, just turn off your brain and suspend all logic for a while as we try to sell a pretty cool castle or two. Thanks and Enjoy!!
KING’S LANDING– Current Owners: House Lannister .
“Extravagant North Shore getaway for the Romantic Siblings COUPLES looking for the perfect place to romp in Shame SECRECY”
Selling Agent: Shaun
If you’re searching for big city market place life, privacy and seclusion or the feeling of a quaint town with shady little back rooms and nothing’s off limits brothels – then look no further because King’s Landing would like to welcome you home! It’s also got a neat Throne made of Swords (for warning, everyone thinks it belongs to them, so neighbors may come a-knocking).
Smack dab in the center of the Seven Kingdoms – King’s Landing sprawls across several miles and is defended by super tall walls, a highly trained (and underpaid) royal army, and most notably a half-dead Zombie giant called The Mountain (protection of the land by monster zombie not included in closing costs). A plethora of pleasures – the city is filled with crazy cults around every corner, sexually ambiguous opportunities galore, and even trials by combat whenever someone’s royal nephew is poisoned or besmirched. There are even cryptic septs and prisons where you could lock away usurpers or frenemies and no one would be the wiser (don’t worry your secrets will be safe with me)!!
Aside from the crippling poverty of encompassing 85 % of the land’s residents, the occasional naval battle on the city’s shore, and random green gaseous explosions by something called Wildfire – King’s Landing is the perfect place to raise a family (Though keeping them alive has recently been proven somewhat difficult). So whether you’re in the mood to rule over the peasants from the Red Keep, or want to stroll your Shame away with the local folk on the cobblestone streets mazing through Flea Bottom – King’s Landing has everything a ruling authoritarian dynasty could desire and more!!
Cost: Three Dragons & an Army of Unsullied, All the Gold Dragon Coins in the Iron Bank, or Proof of Ownership via Lineage Certificate (whichever is available by quickest closing date/impending attack by everyone in Westeros)
MEEREEN – Current Owners: The House Targaryen
“Historic Pyramid-chic Coastal property with endless tunnels and chambers perfect for
staging an uprising, housing your slaves, quartering your Dragons, or keeping your city/community’s secrets”
Selling Agent: AJ
Enjoying the neighborhood but worried about the lack of pets? We were too until we found this ocean-front property that actually comes with not one, not two, but three dragons! Want the life of a pet owner but hate all those pesky responsibilities? Well friend, you’re in luck! Thanks to a very unfortunate learning opportunity with a local child (where were the parents?) our dragons have since completed dragon training and are sure to be on their best behavior.
Meereen may not be the biggest city in the Seven Kingdoms, but it just might be the most diverse. Whether you’re a Dothraki, Unsullied, or just a young professional looking for a change from the hustle and bustle of the western world, you’ll be sure to find a corner of the city that you can call your own. **Parents, be careful sending the little ones fundraising in Astapor or Yunkai quite yet, we hear they can be a bit “possessive” with their guests.
Now are you one of royal blood and want a house to match the regality of your family name? Boy do we have JUST the place! Meereen is home to a collection of the most majestic pyramids this side of the Dothraki Sea. Every good pyramid has to have a war room and Meereen’s does NOT disappoint. Call Meereen home and you’ll have at your disposal the armies of not one but two highly trained armies and the best ships from the Ironborn armada.
This really is the best of all worlds. Entertain your guests in one of many beautiful pyramids, take a sunset stroll along the beach, or set off for a sunrise flight atop one of three (almost) fully trained dragons. Meereen, who thought living the ocean and the desert could look this good?
Cost: Due to regional differences the price of Meereen is never-ending border wars with slave-owning war-mongers. All sales final and any dragon-related incidents are to be handled through Dragon Care, the region’s premiere Dragon Damage Insurance agency.
THE TWINS – Current Owners: House Frey
“Secluded Identical Castles in the Riverlands – perfect for ambushes hosting guests, massacres dinner parties or holding a Wedding for sworn enemies young lovers or child brides.”
Selling Agent: Shaun
The Twins, sometimes known as the Crossing, is fortified land consisting of two identical castles and a tower in the middle of their bridge (Hence the clever name). Surrounded by quaint moats, high curtain walls and welcoming drawbridges perfect for making that statement entrance or keeping pillagers at bay – The Twins is known as one of the most formidable strongholds in the Seven Kingdoms. It’s the perfect place to raise a family in fear and treachery under the guise of honor…if you’re into that kinda thing.
Though truth be told – While it’s stormy aesthetic, heavily protected entrances and creepy pedofile like residents may seem inticing – it’s not all rainbows and dragon farts in the Riverlands. Repairing the current image of The Twins may prove difficult. Mostly due to the…um “rumors” of the “Red Wedding” – which are totally false by the way, those are just giant wine stains on the dining hall floor. And pay no mind to the odd smell of death permeating throughout the definitely not cursed/haunted/doomed halls. Yup, total acceptable family environment, and nothing questionable or shady looming over the land.
It should also be noted that due to recent events the castles no longer come with an onsite cook. It should also be pointed out that due to unforeseen circumstances, all pies and baked delicacies of all kinds have been banned in the Crossing for the foreseeable future. This has nothing to do with the circulating rumors of accidental cannibalism of the royal family – which is a completely untrue #alternativefact spread by the biased Little Birdies controlled by Crooked Varys and his tiny king murdering accomplice Tyrion The Drunk Imp #lockthemup. Those events DEFINITELY didn’t happen and the males in the Frey clan are happily residing in their resort home South of The Wall…the immediate need to sell The Twins and vacate the land by the current owners is COMPLETELY unrelated and really doesn’t need to be questioned or looked into.
Cost: Just marry one of (the late) Walder Frey’s ungodly hideous spawns from incest charming daughters and I’m sure the remaining heirs can work out some sort of deal…or you could just bake them a delicious pie…”
SURPRISING OUR CAREERS DIDN’T LAST
Ok full disclosure – we might have embellished a bit…AJ and and I were never actually Real Estate Agents in Westeros. Cats out of the bag – we couldn’t sell a Double-wide to a Dothraki. Truth is, AJ was nothing more than a shit-shoveling stable boy and I had the unenviable responsibility or assisting in the removal of “manhood” from those unfortunate enough to be selected as “The Unsullied”. We could only dream of wining and dining Seven Kingdoms Royalty and selling their beloved lands for incredibly high mark-ups. But now that you know the truth in our shame, I guess it’s no wonder we hide behind keyboards and mics – but at least we got out of there before Winter – we hear it’s coming soon!!
Well that’s enough nerdy nonsense for one week – thanks for stopping by and supporting our ramblings. If you’d be interested in acquiring one of these coveted properties or think we might have missed a detail or two, please go ahead and comment below or hit us up on FB or twitter at @AJ_SpeckTGS, @curroneus and/or @TalkingNerdie. If you disagree or have some hurtful things to say – hit us up anyways, we’re always down for a good Social Media beef.
Also, make sure to check out our weekly podcast Shop Talk – where we debate the latest rumors/news/events/casting/events from the world of comics, video-games, anime and so much more! Pretty much like these articles except funny and fewer memes. This week was the Spoilerific Spider-man Special!!!
That’s all we got this week – we appreciate the support and be sure to check us out every Tuesday after the GoT premiere for our Spoilerific recap of all things Gamey (title coming soon, just like Winter). Have a great Day!