Welcome back, friends, to another edition of Cage Match! Thanks for joining me today as we continue our journey into the depths of insanity as we examine the cinematic portfolio of the one and only Nicolas Cage.
In case this is your first taste of the craziness which is Cage, welcome to the show! If this is your first foray into the insanity, the rules are simple: we’ll be watching the most absurd/Cage-iest performances in his repertoire until I can’t take it anymore, and then proceed to rate them on scientifically measurable statistics such as Cage Rage, Cage Cut (Hairline) and Plot & Overall Cage-iness… Then, eventually when all is said and done at the end of the challenge, I will have an elimination Death Match, pitting the Cagiest performances against each other and crown a King Cage.
For my second Cage Match, I decided to go head to head with the movie that spawned a million memes – Vampire’s Kiss. (This Haunting pic is an actual scene from the film)
Boasting a 5.8/10 on IMBD, I can attest that Vampire’s Kiss is a bona fide Cage Classic – and after watching this film in it’s entirety, I can honestly say that rating may be a bit too generous. With a budget of just $2 Million, this 1998 comedy (I guess?) pulled in a whopping $725,131 – which is $78 million less than what Adam Sandler’s modern dumpster fire “Pixels” made at the Box Office!?! Why America? Just…Why??
Now, Although Vampire’s Kiss wasn’t exactly a “blockbuster” in theaters, the film has caught on as a Cult Classic in Cage-Lore over the years. Beloved for his classic “over-acting” and overall ridiculousness, the film is up there as a supreme embodiment of a great Cage Flick – Devoid of logic and subtlety, funny for all the wrong reasons, and amazing entertaining while extremely painful to watch all at the same time.
Behold the original trailer in all it’s glory:
Basically, Nic Cage plays Peter Loew, a Publishing Executive that loves berating his poor Hispanic assistant, talking with an odd borderline British/Valley Girl/snobbish accent and dry humping. In that order. Well during a one night stand, Cage gets bit on the neck by a Vampire. Or Thinks he does. Then he turns into a Vampire. Or at least he thinks he does. And he acts it out in that oh-so-subtle Nic Cage way we’ve all grown to love as you can see here:
SPOILER ALERT: He’s not a vampire. He’s just really weird and lonely.
Long Story Short, After being bit, Cage’s character starts exhibiting interesting side effects talking in an accent that is a strange mix between Valley Girl/London Socialite/ and New York 80’s Guppy. Very odd. Oh, and he starts sweating a LOT, sleeping under his coach (to avoid sunlight, duh) and wearing fake vampire teeth (his character actually goes and is too cheap for the $15 pair, so gets the $3 “Cheapy” teeth.)
Behold that scene in all its glory…
Other notable moments include: Cage loosing his mind in a public restroom when he can’t see his reflection; reciting the alphabet angrily while yelling at his psychiatrist; wearing Old Lady Blue-Blocker sunglasses to protect his eyes from sunlight; and biting a woman to death in a club using the “cheapy” $3 teeth. All in all, a normal Tuesday night in Cage-land.
Later he gets a stake through the heart. And Dies. Hope that makes sense.
Just to fill in the blanks – here are the best moments of the film in all their Cagey Glory
ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: He did not win his Academy Award for this one. Shocking, I know.
This movie was chocked full of Cage-y moments, and the Rage was strong throughout. Made the movie worth it alone for his awesomeness. 4.5/5 Cage Rages.
Not much crazy in this hair – pretty standard and boring by all accounts. 1.5/5 Cage Cuts
This was bad – but not the worst. You could see what they were going for in this “Dark Comedy”…like it wanted to be American Pyscho – but it just didn’t get there. 2.5/5 Serious Cage-iness
OVERALL CAGE-TASTIC Rating:
The hair is lacking, but the Cage-Rage is on point. Brings this one up to another 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.
Well there you have it – another wonderful waste of time. If you have not seen this movie and are looking for a good laugh (at all the wrong reasons) then definitely check it out. Its pure insanity but overall a fun time! Thanks again for joining me on this wonderful adventure, I hope it was worth your time – or at least a good way to turn off your brain for a minute and get a laugh or two.
Leave your thoughts, comments and opinions below – love to hear what you thought. And if you have any suggestions on what kind of Torturous Cage I should throw myself into next, please let me know. Thanks and have a Cage-tastic Day!!