July 23, 2017

CAGE MATCH – Vampire’s Kiss

The Crazy Continues...

A Journey into the Depths of Insanity

Welcome back, friends, to another edition of Cage Match! Thanks for joining me today as we continue our journey into the depths of insanity as we examine the cinematic portfolio of the one and only Nicolas Cage.

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
Cage Logic Wins – You’re Argument is invalid

In case this is your first taste of the craziness which is Cage, welcome to the show! If this is your first foray into the insanity, the rules are simple: we’ll be watching the most absurd/Cage-iest performances in his repertoire until I can’t take it anymore, and then proceed to rate them on scientifically measurable statistics such as Cage Rage, Cage Cut (Hairline) and Plot & Overall Cage-iness… Then, eventually when all is said and done at the end of the challenge, I will have an elimination Death Match, pitting the Cagiest performances against each other and crown a King Cage.

For my second Cage Match, I decided to go head to head with the movie that spawned a million memes – Vampire’s Kiss. ​(This Haunting pic is an actual scene from the film)

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
Oh REALLY?!?

Vampire’s Kiss

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
“A Biting Comedy”

Boasting a 5.8/10 on IMBD, I can attest that Vampire’s Kiss is a bona fide Cage Classic – and after watching this film in it’s entirety, I can honestly say that rating may be a bit too generous. With a budget of just $2 Million, this 1998 comedy (I guess?) pulled in a whopping $725,131 – which is $78 million less than what Adam Sandler’s modern dumpster fire “Pixels” made at the Box Office!?! Why America? Just…Why??

Now, Although Vampire’s Kiss wasn’t exactly a “blockbuster” in theaters, the film has caught on as a Cult Classic in Cage-Lore over the years. Beloved for his classic “over-acting” and overall ridiculousness, the film is up there as a supreme embodiment of a great Cage Flick – Devoid of logic and subtlety, funny for all the wrong reasons, and amazing entertaining while extremely painful to watch all at the same time.

Behold the original trailer in all it’s glory:

Basically, Nic Cage plays Peter Loew, a Publishing Executive that loves berating his poor Hispanic assistant, talking with an odd borderline British/Valley Girl/snobbish accent and dry humping. In that order. Well during a one night stand, Cage gets bit on the neck by a Vampire. Or Thinks he does. Then he turns into a Vampire. Or at least he thinks he does. And he acts it out in that oh-so-subtle Nic Cage way we’ve all grown to love as you can see here:

SPOILER ALERT: He’s not a vampire. He’s just really weird and lonely.

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
I need…friends

Long Story Short, After being bit, Cage’s character starts exhibiting interesting side effects talking in an accent that is a strange mix between Valley Girl/London Socialite/ and New York 80’s Guppy. Very odd. Oh, and he starts sweating a LOT, sleeping under his coach (to avoid sunlight, duh) and wearing fake vampire teeth (his character actually goes and is too cheap for the $15 pair, so gets the $3 “Cheapy” teeth.)

Behold that scene in all its glory…


​Other notable moments include: Cage loosing his mind in a public restroom when he can’t see his reflection; reciting the alphabet angrily while yelling at his psychiatrist; wearing Old Lady Blue-Blocker sunglasses to protect his eyes from sunlight;  and biting a woman to death in a club using the “cheapy” $3 teeth. All in all, a normal Tuesday night in Cage-land.

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
So much aggression

​Later he gets a stake through the heart. And Dies. Hope that makes sense.

Just to fill in the blanks – here are the best moments of the film in all their Cagey Glory

ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: He did not win his Academy Award for this one. Shocking, I know.

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
#snubbedbyoscars

CAGE RAGE
This movie was chocked full of Cage-y moments, and the Rage was strong throughout. Made the movie worth it alone for his awesomeness. 4.5/5 Cage Rages.

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
4.5/5 on the Cage Rage

CAGE CUT:
Not much crazy in this hair – pretty standard and boring by all accounts.  1.5/5 Cage Cuts

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
1.5 on the Cage Cut

Plot/Writing:
This was bad – but not the worst. You could see what they were going for in this “Dark Comedy”…like it wanted to be American Pyscho – but it just didn’t get there. 2.5/5 Serious Cage-iness

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
2.5 Serious Cage-iness

OVERALL CAGE-TASTIC Rating:
The hair is lacking, but the Cage-Rage is on point. Brings this one up to another 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
3.5 on the Cage-Tastic Meter

Well there you have it – another wonderful waste of time. If you have not seen this movie and are looking for a good laugh (at all the wrong reasons) then definitely check it out. Its pure insanity but overall a fun time! Thanks again for joining me on this wonderful adventure, I hope it was worth your time – or at least a good way to turn off your brain for a minute and get a laugh or two.

Leave your thoughts, comments and opinions below – love to hear what you thought. And if you have any suggestions on what kind of Torturous Cage I should throw myself into next, please let me know. Thanks and have a Cage-tastic Day!!

Shaun Curran | The Tailgate Society
And it was beautiful
Shaun Curran
Shaun Curran 17 Articles
Staff Writer

Shaun is probably best described as a Man-Child in his mid-thirties with too much time on his hands and access to a computer. He loves his amazing wife, beautiful baby girl, dog Rudy, Florida State Football and Batman. Oh yeah - and his friends, family, other dog Rusty, and the Jacksonville Jaguars. His political and religious beliefs are probably of no interest to you, so let's just keep that out of this. Shaun enjoys finding humor in all things, believes in the good in people, loves his life and all that are a part of it. This blog/site is just for fun and should be taken lightly - he does not aim to offend, but if he does please feel free to write a strongly worded letter to your congressman. Any positive feedback is welcome or ideas on topics you'd like to see discussed is greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this nonsense, we hope it brings a smile to your face or brightens your day just a bit.

2 Comments

  1. This is the first cage match that I’ve read but it was interesting, I haven’t seen this movie. I have a couple of suggestions though. If you’re going to reference how much it cost to make and how much it made in return then compare it to a curren film it’s always nice to do an inflation calculation for the older film so that they are on even terms.
    My second suggestion is as this series goes along maybe you could dive into the the subtleties of how the viewer can slowly see Cage losing his gasp on reality and over act even more to try and cover it up. It could be a take on his psychological health decline over the decades.

    Cheers

    • @blackoutricky – Thanks for reading!

      I really like your suggestions – this is an evolving work in progress, and although its just for fun , I want to make it as good as it can be. So thanks. It’ll be a nice comparison to see how they fared financially, and how that translates into today’s dolla bills.

      I love the second suggestion too – however I’m not going to be watching his films in a succession of when they were released – but I can find a way to not how far into his career he took the craziness to another level, where he was when he phoned it in and try to maybe compare it to the times based on the performances.

      Thanks again for taking the time to read this, I hope you come back for more and let me know more of your thoughts!!

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