Written by: Shaun Curran, AJ Speck, Shawn Fensterman & Ted Flint
Good Day Sports fans & NFL Fanatics and welcome to The Tailgate Society’s 2017 Fictional Fantasy Draft!!
As you all know by now, the NFL Draft commences tomorrow night, Thursday April 27th – unless you’ve been living under a rock you’ll notice that everyone and their mother’s brother does a mock draft these days – lending their “expertise” and arm-chair know how to a usually incorrect analysis that gets about as many wrong as they get right.
So rather than subject our audience to another version of the same polished turd, the boys at TGS decided to switch things up a bit and have a bit of fun this year. We’ve taken the same formula of the draft, but added a special twist – we will be drafting Fictional Players from some of your favorite sports movies, tv shows and miscellaneous make believe football stars across pop-culture lines. The teams are still drafting in their 2017 draft order, and we’ve based these decisions off the current needs of the team – but adhered to these rules as if all players were in a fictional vacuum and exist as the same age their movie/television counterpart existed. Got it?
Now that you know the rules, let me introduce you to our Special Coverage Team.
1st off we have the Host of Shop Talk Podcast, co-host on TGS Pro Weekly, co-writer on Talk Nerdy to Me & avid Greenbay Packers Fanatic – AJ Speck. Next up member of the Shop Talk Podcast, writer of the Cage Match, co-writer on Talk Nerdy to Me & Jacksonville Jaguars homer – Shaun Curran. Next up we have TGS Collaborator and Tennessee Titans die-hard – Shawn Fensterman. And last-but-not least, our fearless leader, The Godfather of TGS, Host of both “The Corner Booth” and “Drunk Dialing” Podcasts, and obsessive Miami Dolphins fan – Ted Flint.
Now that we got the niceties out of the way, it’s time to get this show on the road. Now sit back, relax and sip that cup of Joe as we dive head first into this nonsense!!
Shaun: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The 2017 NFL Fictional Character Fantasy Draft. Thank you for joining us today, tonight is a historic night sure to be filled with surprises, excitement and hopefully all your favorite team’s dreams are about to come true! I’m your host Shaun Curran, and joining me tonight are my colleagues AJ Speck, Shawn Fensterman & Ted Flint. From the looks of it, the Browns have already made their choice – so take it away Ted!
Ted: Thanks Shaun. Roger Goodell is making his way to the podium now – let’s listen in on what he’s got to say…
“With the first pick of the 2017 Fictional Character Fantasy Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Jason Street from the Dillon Panthers (Friday Night Lights)”
*A sound of shock comes over the crowd as Jason Street wheels on to the stage screaming in joy. The Camera shows the Cleveland war room where the owner of the Cleveland Browns Jimmy” Haslam has flung himself across the table and is choking Sashi Brown the GM of the Browns. Chairs are flying it is a brawl. *
Jason Street is thanking his family, his coach everyone for making his dream come true. Sashi Brown the GM of the Browns now sporting a black eye is being interviewed. Lets listen in…
“It appears our scout only showed us footage from Mr. Street’s junior year. We were so impressed we never asked to see footage from his senior year. Ummm I guess we missed someth…”
He is interrupted as the Cleveland Browns owner tackles him from behind. And back to the studio for the 2nd pick.
AJ: Well that was an interesting way to start the night! Moving on, new San Francisco 49’ers GM John Lynch is confident that his partnership with Sacramento Kings GM Vlade Divac will result in early returns as his pick has just come in. It’s widely known that SF is in dire need of help on the defensive side and Lynch has been hinting he’s going corner. Let’s see how this shakes out.
“With the 2nd pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Fantasy Draft, the San Francisco 49’ers have selected, I’m sorry, is this correct? “
*Lynch yells “Yes!” from the crowd and winks to Vlade*
“Okay…with the 2nd pick, the San Francisco 49ers have selected Petey Jones, RB from TC Williams High School (Remember the Titans)”
“Shit I thought he was a cornerback?!” can be heard from Lynch as the Niners ownership realizes that bringing in someone with zero experience to lead their front office may have been a terrible decision.
Shawn: With the Bears on the clock, there’s been a ton of deliberation in the war room. The last couple years of the Jay Cutler Era are finally over but no one is quite sure how exactly to move the franchise forward.
“With the 3rd pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Draft, the Chicago Bears have selected Bobby Boucher, SCLSU (The Waterboy).”
*Camera pans to Boucher going table to table with pitchers of water, making sure everyone is hydrated.*
It seems the Bears are trying to recreate their success from the beginning of the millennium and bringing in a modern day Brian Urlacher.
Shaun: Up next are the Jacksonville Jaguars, and you can feel the tension in the war room right now. Under the new leadership of tough-as-nails VP Tom Coughlin, GM Dave Caldwell’s job is all but safe and this could be a make or break year for the Jags.
“With the 4th pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Draft, The Jacksonville Jaguars select…Ricky Baker, former RB of Crenshaw High School in Oakland…wait is this real? (Boyz in The Hood)”
Wow, I am speechless – you can hear the mumbling and laughing throughout the crowd. The Jaguars, in dire need of an offensive weapon to assist ailing QB Blake Bortles, the Jags needed a powerful running back – however this move comes in as shock seeing as Baker was of course killed near his home – making this the first time in history a deceased player has been selected at the draft.
We’re going to revisit the Jags War Room after this settles down a bit, it seems Tom Coughlin just cold-cocked GM Dave Caldwell and there seems to be a literal fire in the background…Looks like the Jaguars are in for another “interesting” season…
Shawn: Well that was a very Jacksonville-esque pick. Next the Titans are up for their first of two picks in the first round. Owner Amy Adams Strunk is wandering the room making sure anyone, and everyone hears of her skydiving trip from earlier this week. It seems the coaches are still debating their pick as the clock is winding down. Finally, they turn in their pick.
“With the 5th pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Draft, the Tennessee Titans select… Good lord this can’t be real. The Titans have selected Air Bud.”
*A fan screams from the back in agony, holding back tears, “That’s a bunch of Mularky!”*
While the Titans needed a new threat at wideout there’s more questions than answers that come along with this prospect. The team seems convinced that what he lacks in fundamentals will be made up for with puppy kisses.
AJ: And now the Jets are on the clock. Tough to follow what draft experts are calling the most adorable pick in NFL Draft history. *a fan yells Tebow in the crowd*
The Jets have always taken a curious approach to the draft but it seems this is the year they want to get back to their roots and improve that offensive line. The pick is in, let’s check in with Mr. Goodell.
“With the 6th pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Draft, the New York Jets select, Billy Bob, OT from West Canaan High (Varsity Blues)”.
Our onstage correspondent Deion Sanders is with Billy Bob now: “Billy, my man! How you feelin playa? What you thinkin about this pick? You like it?”
“Ten! Pick’s a fuckin ten!”
*quickly cuts away*
And back to you guys for the 7th pick!
Ted: We now go back to the podium as their about to announce the San Diego…um, I mean, the Los Angeles Chargers’ selection..
“With the 8th pick of Draft the Los Angeles Chargers select Alvin Mack from ESU. (The Program)”
Mack is recovering from a knee injury that was the result of a dirty hit during a game against the Iowa Hawkeyes. Remember the Hawks also tried to play villain Bobby Boucher’s SCLSU team. Not saying the Iowa Hawkeyes are bad guys but where there is smoke…. Modern Medicine has come a long ways since his injury can’t wait to see Mack playing this fall.
*Awkward pause falls upon the announcers table as AJ stares down Ted for disrespecting his alma mater*
*Mack holds up his jersey and what is he holding in his other hand, is that a gold doorknob. “I’M GONNA GET THE HOUSE TO GO WITH THIS MAMA JUST LIKE A PROMISED!”*
AJ: The Carolina Panthers are now on the clock and it looks like Cam Newton will be making the announcement this year.
*Cam walks out wearing capri pants, pure gold shoes, a see-through shirt, and a wide brimmed hat.*
“With the 8th pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Mr. James “Boobie” Miles, from Permian High (Friday Night Lights)
Interesting pick as the Panthers go with a RB who hasn’t played a down since his 2nd knee injury, but could be a good fit to replace Jonathan Stewart once his knee fully heals up.
When asked what he could contribute to the team, Miles responded “You wanna win? Put Boobie in, I’m bout to spin!”
Shawn: “With the 9th pick in the 2017 Fictional Character Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select Switowski, Allenville Penitentiary”
An enigma in himself, simply known only as Switowski, is a force on the defensive line – most famous for delivering a hit that forced a man to shit himself. The fans seem to be thrilled with this pick and are already creating signs and memes for the in-state matchup with the Browns
Shaun: We move now to the Buffalo Bills, officially on the clock now. This pick could go a couple different ways – they are losing 2 solid WRs with the departures of Robert Wood & Marquise Goodwin…but this team also has an incredible lack of confidence in the current QB Tyrod Taylor – and have been rumored to be seeking a replacement in some fresh draft blood. We go now to the podium.
“With the 10th pick, the Buffalo Bills select former Ohio St QB Johnny Utah (Point Break)”
Wow – as you all can hear at home, that has been met with mixed reactions from the crowd. While he has been out of the NFL for a few years pursuing a dream of chasing surfers on the Pacific Coast for the FBI, Johnny has returned to his original passion to give it a second shot. Seems like a risky pick, especially considering his horrific knee injury his senior year, and the fact that he might not make it through the season. Definitely an interesting choice.
Another thing to consider is, although the charges were dismissed, he is allegedly responsible for the death of his partner during that short stint in the FBI – as well as a handful of alleged criminals at an airport shootout, and then another involuntary manslaughter of a suspect by way of Tidal Wave. Should fit right in with the culture up there.
Shawn: Next up are the New Orleans Saints. The Saints just boosted their offense with the signing of AP, so defense is the expected focal point here.
“With the 11th pick, the New Orleans Saints select Steve Lattimer, ESU. (The Program)”
Lattimer is a big time get on the defensive side of the ball. There’s questions surrounding Lattimer and potential off-field issues, but this won’t be the Saint’s first rodeo with morality concerns.
Ted: Fresh off picking an injured QB with the first pick the Browns organization needs to land this pick.
“With the 12 pick the Cleveland Browns select quarterback from West Canaan Coyotes Lance Harbor. (Varsity Blues)”
Well ladies and gentlemen, the Browns had done it again! This is a guy that is fresh off blowing every ligament in his knee in his Senior Year. Not sure if he will ever walk without a limp again this is indeed a bold choice. Do they not see film from senior years one has to wonder. One things for sure – it will be hard for the Browns to ruin this kids career when it’s doubtful he’ll even see the field at all!
Ted: It’s almost as if the city of Cleveland is cursed in football! Never seen anything like this! Changing gears, looks like the Cards are up and the pick is in – lets go live to the podium now.
“With the 13th pick of Draft, the Arizona Cardinals select Quarterback from the Miami Sharks Steamin Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)”
The fact that he fell this late in the draft is a mini miracle for an Arizona Team who has been prompting up the corpse of Carson Palmer for two seasons.
We watch now as Mr. Beamen to the stage. He is shaking Roger Goodell’s hand and OH MY GOD HE IS PUKING ALL OVER HIM! ALL OVER THE PODIUM. This might be a good time to hear from our sponsors as they clean up the stage. Back to you.
Shaun: Not sure if that was nerves or the thought of playing in Arizona, but you don’t see THAT everyday!
We now go live to the podium, as the janitors scrabble off stage as it’s the Eagles’ turn
“With the 14th Pick, The Philadelphia Eagles select…Andre Krimm, DT for the The Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos (Necessary Roughness)”
Well I for one did not see this coming! It’s no surprise that among their bevy of needs most of the issues are on the defensive side…however Krimm, who bears a striking resemblance to washed up comedian Sinbad, is an interesting choice seeing as he really only played one season for the Armadillos and really started his collegiate career at the ripe young age of 27 while he was working as a teaching assistant for the school.
In typically traditional Philly fashion, fans are now booing, death threats can be heard coming from the audience – and I believe that yes, they are indeed throwing beer bottles on to the stage. Stay Classy Philadelphia.
Shaun: While they try to clean up the mess caused by the Philly fans, we’ll take a quick look into the Colts’ War Room as they prepare for to make their selection. Newly appointed GM Chris Ballard looks like a deer stuck in headlights, being thrust into a difficult situation replacing ousted GM Ryan Grigson. Rumors have been circulating that he has been ignoring the advice of Head Coach Pagano and there has been much infighting…well looks like their pick is in..
“With the 15th pick, the Indianapolis Colts select…Punter Nigel “the Leg” Gruff – former Welsh footballer/soccer player and bar owner”
To be honest guys, I don’t understand this pick. Sure they’re looking to replace fan favorite and recently retired punter Pat McAfee, but why go with a kicker in the 1st round? Especially one with clear substance abuse issues and widespread rumors of delinquent gambling addiction? This sure is puzzling, but at least now Colts owner Jim Irsay has a degenerate drinking buddy to relate to.
AJ: The Ravens are on the clock and it seems their guy is still on the board and, yep, there’s the phone ringing now and here comes Goodell.
“With the 16th pick in the Fictional Player Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select, Gary Bertier, OLB from TC Williams HS (Remember the Titans)”
And one would argue the Ravens just pulled off the steal of the draft here. All-American OLB Gary Bertier is strong, smart, and, wait, hold on…TGS Sports is getting reports that Bertier can’t walk.
The Ravens war room is now in shambles, Ray Lewis killed someone else, Raven’s GM Ozzie Newsome is mumbling in the corner. We’re locking them in, this is now a dangerous situation.
We’re going to try to get a word with Bertier now,
“Gary, you look dejected. How are you feeling knowing you’re never going to play?”
Gary: “Well, you think I look banged up, you should see my Camaro.”
“What side of the Camaro was hit? Was it the left side?”
Gary: “Yep, the strong side”
Unfortunate turn of events here in Philly, back to you in the studio.
Shaun: This has been an exciting chain of events for the 1st half of Round 1…While things calm down a bit, we’re going to take a pause to hear from our sponsors, and follow up soon with Part II of the The Tailgate Society’s 2017 NFL Fictional Fantasy Draft – where we will continue our coverage of picks 16-32 picks of the draft. Thanks for joining us and we will see you all again soon!