With Easter approaching this weekend, I thought I’d put together a list of the best holidays according to me, Ted Flint. Why, you ask? Because everyone loves rankings, right? The following rankings are not at all scientific and probably wrong. Feel free to come argue with me online.
- Thanksgiving: What’s not to love about Thanksgiving? You get to hang out and eat all day, watch football, then get drunk with old friends that night. Then you can come home and have the best drunk meal ingredients waiting for you to warm up, and there’s no one still awake to judge you. Want to make a turkey, mashed potato, and noodle sandwich? Do it. Then eat shame free while watching reruns of the Macy’s parade from earlier that morning. Also, anyone who doesn’t put whip cream on pumpkin pie is a terrorist.
(Ed. note: An underrated holiday to get drunk on is actually Christmas Eve. Get together with 3-4 friends from high school, find a dive bar in your hometown that’s open that night, meet up at the bar randomly with 3-4 other high school classmates that you were cool with back then but never really talked to, enjoy the intoxicated reminiscing and awkward hookup attempts at 3 am. You won’t regret it. Or maybe you will, no promises.)
- Fourth of July: This was a tossup for me between July 4th and Christmas (weather being the deciding factor). We basically made a holiday that revolves around drinking, grilling and blowing shit up. You can sit in a kiddie pool with empty Busch Light cans floating around you, and it’s considered normal. What isn’t there to love? And if you say “MERICA!” I am silently judging you.
(Ed. note: Come on Ted, you can’t judge people for saying “‘Merica” if you don’t want to be judged during your Thanksgiving night sweet potato and cabbage sandwich binge. Just kidding, people who say “‘Merica” ironically or otherwise probably also retweet parody celebrity accounts and are the worst.)
- Christmas: Things I love about Christmas–presents, day drinking with family, watching Die Hard or Die Hard 2 (depending on the year in the rotation you are with your boys), and egg nog. Things I hate about Christmas–snow. That’s it. Some people love snow and that’s fine, but my car has gone into too many snow covered ditches to feel the same way. And screw being cold. That being said, drinking and hanging out with John McClane is truly a tradition unlike any other.
- Memorial Day: It’s all about day drinking and grilling on the unofficial first day of summer. This is the day you tell yourself you don’t need sunscreen and you spend all day playing in some softball tourney drinking cold beers all day. The games are probably played on a Little League field so everyone is bashing home runs like Adrian Gonzalez. Come Tuesday, however, you’ll look like a tomato and your head will pound. But in your mind it was all worth it.
- St Patrick’s Day/New Year’s Eve: I’ve tied these two together because I’m not sure there’s a more overrated pair of holidays. Both of them require too much planning and all end the same way: you go to a bar with too many people. Someone in your group gets too drunk and pukes somewhere inside. You get kicked out of the bar. Maybe they decide to start a fight with a stranger over some bullshit that isn’t important. The night ends with you promising yourself you will never do this again, but we all know that’s a lie. These holidays suck.
(Ed. note: New Year’s Eve is cursed and should be last on this list. The official TGS stance is that we have no love for December 31-January 1 between the hours of 10pm and 2am. Refer all questions to our HR department.)
- Valentine’s Day: Let’s break down the three ways people celebrate this holiday–first up is the newlywed way. It’s when you buy your boo cutesy gifts, go to a fancy dinner, and do butterfly kisses in the car and all that crap. The second way is the veteran way; this is where you tell each other weeks in advance you don’t want anything and you mean it. The day comes and goes, you might order from your favorite pizza place, but that’s it. You probably won’t even have Valentine’s Day sex (congrats you are old and boring). I call the third way the “Singles Awareness Day” way. This is when you mock the holiday for a week in advance and call it stupid and/or fake, but when the day hits you decide you want to hit the bars anyway hoping that maybe you’ll find another lost soul. You go out, drink too much, get turned down by every other single person at the bar, and go home angrier than when you went out. The only thing keeping you company that night is a burrito from the local chain restaurant. But congrats on not having to go to the clinic tomorrow.
(Ed. note: The cynicism in this paragraph breaks my heart. Ted was the kid in 4th grade who wrote “this is a pointless holiday and candy gives you gum disease” on his Valentine’s cards.)
- Easter: Nothing exciting happens on Easter. The holiday moves around so you can’t plan for it, and the only way you know it’s coming is because your mom emails you to remind you not to spill anything on your baby blue shirt she insisted you buy for Easter Sunday. Try getting a drink before the evening and you’ll probably get a dirty look. Easter is just there. And mall Easter Bunnies are just creepy.
(Ed. note: SMH remember this paragraph and ranking when Iowa State misses a field goal to lose their third straight game this season, Ted.)
Well that’s my list. Happy Easter everyone! Don’t spill shit on your baby blue shirts.