May 25, 2017

A floating skyscraper might just be the world’s worst idea

CNN went off the deep end today. The pressure of a 24-hour non-stop news cycle, and trying to get a break from the political world snapped them in half.

This whole idea is cool to look at as you scroll through Twitter and catching up on the world. It’s a horrible idea if you even begin to think about it. It’s raised questions in my mind and I just want to sit down with whoever came up with this and demand answers.

Where do you even begin to build this? I’m not talking about location, specifically, but HOW?! Not even diving into what materials they plan to use, how do you make this operational? They plan on placing an asteroid into forced orbit to tie it to and I just don’t get how that’s gonna work. Even when there theoretically is an orbiting astronaut; how do you build the skyscraper? On the ground? Then send some guy up to double knot it to this damn asteroid?

You know when you walk down the street with a piece of paper in your hand and if you let it just hang down it drags back against your movement? How/Why would that not be exactly what happens with this thing flying through the atmosphere at 300 mph? I’m not a scientist, but it just doesn’t seem to add up to me.

Let’s move on. There is now a giant skyscraper flying through our skies! It’s up and running, somehow! How do we get people on this thing? Are we loading them before hand, then tying on to this asteroid? The article itself suggests using passenger drones to get people loaded up. If they do this, the first family onto that building should legally have to change their names to George, Jane, Judy, and Elroy. They must have a dog named Astro, and their Roomba will be Rosie.

So we’re loaded up! Zipping around the world! everything looks great and pretty! Problem is Analemma Tower is on its way to the east coast of the United States and its hurricane season. Are we just gonna let this thing rip through Hurricane Cornelius? What other choice is there? No one is up top piloting the asteroid except for Isaac Newton and gravity.

Are there deliveries? We’re running out of bananas up here! Plus, Christmas is coming up and there’s no chimney around for Mr. Claus in the stratosphere. Also, there was a nasty batch a pneumonia that went around last month and a few of the old timer’s that retired to the sky are dropping like flies. The morgue is full and we can’t just dump bodies out of this monster. Where do the toilets flush to? More importantly, is there even running water?

Are there schools on this thing? I assume there will be. Guessing they won’t be fielding a football team in their first year? Or if they do, travel costs for whoever has to play visitor are gonna be sky high!

If a baby is born on board, what is their citizenship status? Someone is gonna need to iron that one out quick.

This monstrosity is probably an air traffic controller’s worst nightmare. Not only is it just floating wherever it damn well pleases, to solve some of these other problems, I assume there will be giant floating semis around it at almost all times. Not to mention how many geese this thing is gonna turn into window decorations.

This whole topic is very clearly a pipe dream today, as the actual technology for 3/4 of the thing doesn’t exist. It’s interesting, and slightly infuriating, to think about. It also tells me that there’s people out there much smarter than me who apparently have much better drugs than I’ve ever had access to in my lifetime.

Shawn Fensterman 2 Articles
Staff Writer

Shawn is from Indianola, Iowa, and today it still remains home. After finishing high school with a stat line of 1 career target, 0 receptions and 1 drop, he realized the NFL would not be in his future. Shawn is a huge sports fan, yet only cheers for one team within a 10 hour drive. When not complaining about how stupid the 2:00 warning is; Shawn works as a bartender, enjoys quality vodka, cheap beer and beating any challenger in NHL video games.

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