July 20, 2017

2017 Grammy Taeks: BEYONCE GOT ROBBED

I turned on to the Grammys after seeing CeeLo green in head to toe gold on the twitter machine, just in time to see Carrie Underwood and some generic shaggy country singer. Then, for an adorable reason Twenty One Pilots winning in their underwear.


Yeah, this is a better decision than falling down a Netflix documentary hole.

I don’t watch these things, usually. Also, I barely listen to current pop music anymore. If it’s not a podcast or Apple Music, I probably haven’t heard it. I used to, but it’s been at least 15 years since I’ve paid any attention to award shows. I barely know who most of these performers are, so this is going to be interesting.

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THEIR UNDERWEAR STILL?

I appreciate Ed Sheeran’s obvious capability to get rock star laid with the fuzzy tatted up guy with a guitar shtick but, how many times does this need done, really?

NASALLY REPETITIVENESS! MY FAVORITE! C’mon Ed. You can do better.

Oh good, the rock category. When I wonder what the f*ck most of these people’s definition of rock is. We got Metallica and Highly Suspect, I guess.

Of course they gave it to Bowie. Can’t even be mad.

Okay, the blonde one has a nice voice but the dude who hasn’t figured out the difference between fashionably uncaring and a straight up bad haircut could dial it back 37 notches or so. These two need to go away now.

<Begin Bey>

OH. MY GOD. SHES A GODDESS. The costuming. Holy shit. Can Beyonce be president? She’ll just hypnotize everyone out of fucking with us with a look. Been sitting here slack jawed for an embarrassing amount of time at this point. Thank you, Beyonce.

<End Bey>

Wait, they’re gonna follow the Queen Bee with best Country performance? BAHAHAHAHAHA.gif

Marin Morris is adorable with her little nose ring and her country career. Hope she doesn’t have pesky things like opinions or problems!

SWEET CAROLINE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME #$@$@!$#@

/goes to get more whiskey

Oh, hey. Bruno Mars. I’m in for this. Nice tracksuit. Shiny is coming back, eh?

UPDATE: I believe that is a man in a faux leather tracksuit singing about sex by the fire. K.

Alright, I got up and got a snack and came back to hot AF blonde Katy Perry. Best surprise ever. Pantsuit. Sneakers. I can’t even with her level of hotness and bringing it right now.

Speaking of bringing it, Gary Clark Jr. is like, <fire emoji>. There really should be more blues music in mainstream pop culture.

There ain’t no way Beyonce wasn’t winning album of the year. It would’ve been a travesty and the world didn’t need another one. I’d like to thank the academy for not pissing off the Bey Hive.

These commercials are better than the Super Bowl. Don’t @ me.

Marin. That cape/bodysuit combo is an interesting decision, but you have the body so get it girl. Alicia really helps this tho. Especially minimal makeup, au natural Ms. Keys. I love everything about this performance.

<disappears to go do other stuff because don’t wanna cry at adele/george michael>
<watches video where Adele curses and makes everyone start over>
Love. Her.

Chance the Rapper wins best rap album. I should really listen to something other than EDM channels on Spotify sometimes.

Rough start for Metallica and Gaga, but their sheer capability to entertain just fuckin rocked it. Gaga is a fucking rockstar no matter which one of her personas shows up. What a goddamn badass.

Sturgill Simpson is the future of country and it’s beautiful.

So in for this. Disco sucks, but long live Disco. Yanno what’s worse than Disco? Little Big Town performing Disco. This is an atrocious experience. Stayin’ Alive was a struggle to the finish. The Target commercial that followed it was a better musical experience than that entire montage. Good job, Grammys.

Ooh! A Tribe Called Quest is the best possible transition away from the trash we just saw. Oh, hey, and they’re rocking it too. This show really did need a good strong political statement outside of Katy and this is fucking perfect.

Prince is just gone way too soon. This performance is great, but in that way that someone rocking the fuck out of Prince songs at karaoke is. Still a spiritual experience, but not the same as the first time you heard him sing them. (Was still an a-MAZING performance. Bruno Mars got after it. Sorry for talking shit about your outfit earlier, man!)

Bruno Mars followed by…Pentatonix! The most weirdly popular cover band of all time! But at least they got cut short for a Chance the Rapper performance that can only be described as lit. Three flamoji lit.

Blah blah boring corporate guy go away. John Legend covering the Beach Boys made listening to the corporate speech worth the wait.

Oooh, damn! Adele got both? Goddamn.

Let’s talk about this for a second. This is fucked up. Lemonade was an incredible album and Bey got fucking shafted. Adele knew it. Everyone knows it. The voters f’d it up. Oh, wait, it’s the goddamn Grammys. Shit like this is why I stopped watching. Catch me on whatever social media we’re using in 2027 for the next time I try to watch some of this horseshit.

Tami Dooley 71 Articles
Chief Shade Officer

Tami is a 5th generation Idahoan, who is pretty sure these guys think Idaho is somehow Iowa, but is rolling with it. She lives in Boise with her husband and their poodle and is a rabid Boise State fan. After a short but illustrious career of standing in remote places holding a stop sign, Tami now holds a respectable job and feigns adulthood on a regular basis. When she isn't working or writing, she's cussing about the state of the world, playing softball, or in the kitchen, drinking whiskey and taking obnoxious pictures of dinner for Instagram.

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