July 13, 2024


Bama, I hate you. I hate the stupid commitment to your uniform scheme, the arrogance and stupidity that can be found in the fan base, and basically everything about the state and program. I hate them because they’re great. Because they’ve found a process that works, and a genius coach, the rest of us have to suffer through watching you grind up opponents and leave them in heaps behind the great football machine. Your depth of talent and skill is beyond what anyone has really seen before in college football without there being a major scandal behind it.

It’s ridiculous to think about. 16 nattys and 24 conference championships, with four of those national titles coming since 2009. There are players going to Alabama now who since entering HS, do not remember anything other than Crimson Tide dominance. They have more five and four star players than anybody else in the country. Nick Saban is treated like an angry little southern dictator, with a reverence usually reserved for a guy with the last name “of Nazareth.”

Like all fanbases, Tide fans are a diverse bunch. The majority of normal people is poorly offset by the public level of cray-cray some of these people reach.

Exhibit one: The Running of the Gumps

Exhibit two: Phyllis from Mulga

Exhibit three: Fightin’ Bama Mom

Final exhibit: Harvey Updyke

This is not even to mention consistent interactions with trash talking fans who barely recognize P5 football outside of the SEC as a sport, let alone smaller schools. The sheer amount of winning, the trashy fan behavior, the recruiting and on field superiority – it all adds up to jealousy and loathing from around the country being pointed at the Tide – and bygod, they’ve earned every bit.

Even more annoying – they’re probably going to win another one. Who cares about the distractions of Lane Kiffin? Bama doesn’t really NEED their offense to go off. The defense is so stout and special teams so good, the offense could be played by those people in the videos up there and a few seventh graders, and Saban would still hold up a crystal football with a grimace and then bitch about it afterward.

Good luck to Clemson, because they’re gonna need it. It’s the only way to beat the Tide. Just ask Auburn.

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Tami Dooley 142 Articles

Tami is from Idaho. She's a fan of the Boise State Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks, college football on the whole, and almost thought about becoming a baseball fan for a minute one time. Send whiskey.

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