December 18, 2017

Questions I have about The Santa Clause

At least once every Christmas season as a child, I’d sit on the floor of my grandparents’ house directly in front of their TV and watch The Santa Clause with my younger sister while shoving Fruit Roll-Ups in my mouth. So I was feeling a bit nostalgic when I found the 1994 Christmas classic on Netflix a few nights ago.

Although I hadn’t seen the movie in a decade, some details apparently stuck with me over the years – such as the Denny’s waitress named Judy and quotes like, “We’re your worst nightmare…elves with attitude,” and, “In your dreams, sleigh boy.” The movie stirs up a lot of questions for youngsters regarding Santa, elves, divorce and what lactose intolerant means. Many of the questions I once had have been answered by time and experience. Example: How did Scott Calvin (Santa) gain so much weight throughout the year? I was a college freshman once. I now know the answer to that question.

However, I still have a few questions.

How does Charlie know what a sash is?

Charlie and Scott are on the roof after Scott kills Santa and Scott begins putting on the Santa suit. “Don’t forget the sash, Dad,” Charlie says. Charlie was eight. What eight-year-old knows what a sash is? Was he in karate? Was he familiar with French Army parade dress? Was he an active viewer of the Miss America pageant? I just don’t know.

What was with Charlie’s mom’s haircut?

“But it was the 90’s!” I’m aware. But look at what Jennifer Aniston’s hair looked like in 1994. The year “The Rachel” was born. Charlie’s mom has no excuse and I want an explanation.

Where can I get that flame retardant suit?

This question has been plaguing me since I was four – where can I get that suit? You know that badass scene toward the end of the movie where Scott returns to the North Pole in preparation for Christmas and the elves put him in a metallic red flame retardant suit and they walk out and there is smoke and electric guitars playing in the background? Yeah, where can I get that suit? It’s been on my Christmas list for 18 years now along with the Britney’s red catsuit from the Oops I Did It Again video. I’m still waiting.

Why did Scott and Laura get a divorce?

Was it because of Laura’s haircut?

Did the actress who played Charlie’s teacher only accept teacher roles throughout the 1990’s?

Charlie’s teacher, Miss Daniels, is played by the same actress who portrayed Mrs. Quick on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. Yes, I noticed.

Is key lime disease a thing?

“Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got a key lime disease,” says Scott Calvin after reindeer are found on his roof. Key lime disease? What? I know what lyme disease is. But key lime disease? Does it involve pie? Maybe bacteria found in warm pie? Is it a thing? (I looked it up. It’s not.)

Where can I get that hot chocolate maker installed in Santa’s sleigh?

I don’t like hot chocolate. That gross chocolate soup has been making me gag since I first tried it back when I still had to be strapped into a car seat. However, I do admit that the hot chocolate dispenser is COOL. I need one put in my car. “Run out of iced tea on your morning commute? No problem! I gotchu,” says the dispenser. Add it to my Christmas list, right behind the metallic Santa suit, please.

What does Bernard look like these days?

This. Yes, that is the cute dorky guy from Numbers. You are welcome for this valuable trivia fact that you can break out when the election gets brought up at your family Christmas. Happy holidays!

Dana Melcher 12 Articles

Staff Writer

Dana Melcher is a recently dubbed “adult” and Iowa State grad who shamelessly adores Lisa Frank products, Dawson’s Creek and alternative 90’s music (all of which were popular before she could recite the alphabet.) She enjoys fan-girling at little-known artists’ concerts, drinking wine from boxes and putting down unlimited amounts of Red Lobster cheddar “bae” biscuits. In her free time, Dana can be found wearing sundresses at inappropriate times (at the driving range; in her garden) and talking way too loudly about things that don’t really matter.

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