July 13, 2024

Happy Festivus, ya filthy animals

Any holiday that involves an airing of grievances is relevant to my interests. This year, I have some holiday-related ~feelings~ that need to be said so here we go!

1. Give your employees holiday time off, especially if their job isn’t in a retail field that demands work be done. If you don’t, they may resent you for it. By refusing to be flexible, you could be forcing your employees to risk injury by driving in bad weather or to shorten or forego their holiday trip. Good luck convincing them that a couple dollars for you is more important than the family they see twice a year.

2. Winter weather, you are the real Grinch who stole Christmas. Some people think you “look pretty” and are “fun to play in” but those people are weird. You make something beautiful, like spending time with loved ones, more difficult! You cause accidents and property damage. Anxiety skyrockets. You don’t even have the decency to announce your evil plans ahead of time and stick to them! Winter weather, you are the douche bro of weather. From the bottom of my heart, I hate you and piss off.

3. Fellow drivers of the Midwest, try not to suck tomorrow. You will fail, but try harder. I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m the only one who knows how to drive, but I have a decade of experience that says some of you have a tendency to misplace your brains. I don’t want to say un-Christmaslike things about you in my car. Don’t go too slow, but don’t drive like an asshole. Signal and leave an appropriate following distance. For the love of god, look before you change lanes. And if you can’t do those things, at least get out of my way.


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Nicole Gustafson
Nicole Gustafson 56 Articles

Nicole was born in Chicago and raised in Des Moines. She took her talents to The Iowa State University, where she earned a degree in journalism. You can find Nicole cheering on her favorite sports teams, hanging out with her dog, or finishing a Netflix marathon. Nicole is a big fan of #pitcherswhorake, fat guy TD's, and carbs. She's not a fan of mornings, winter, or vegetables and will complain to anyone who will listen.

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