The Christmas invasion has begun. The trees are going up. The lights are on. Christmas music is playing, and grating on our nerves already. People are arguing about Starbucks cups and specific holiday greetings. Don’t get me wrong – there are some legit great holiday songs out there. Not one of them is on this list. If you’re looking for holiday cheer, move on. This is about snarking on the worst of the worst – the Christmas music that makes me wonder if humans deserve to continue living, let alone if we deserve all of the awesomeness this season *can* bring.
Santa Baby – Ariana Grande, Liz Gillies
Fuck this song. I have a lot of tolerance for inappropriate shit, but this song is the biggest turnoff in the genre. This version is even worse because all I can think of is Ariana squirming around in some fucking red lingerie with red trim on Santa’s lap and it makes me want to gag. Watch out, Santa! You’re going to get an STI!
Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas) – John Denver
I don’t get John Denver love. His career demands respect, but his voice grates in ways only rivaled by cats screeching and metal scraping across metal. This song is basically from a perspective of a kid witnessing his parents abusive marriage. Domestic violence is just another American holiday tradition. ?
12 Redneck Days of Christmas – Jeff Foxworthy
Gotta confess, I actually love this song in its all of its awfulness. I sing it in the car sometimes this time of year. “Elebn rasslin tickets” cracks me up every time. Seeing as I have actually given the gift of parts to a Mustang GT to my husband as a Christmas gift…well, gotta have a sense of humor about things. Doesn’t make it a good song, AT ALL.
Christmas Shoes – FM Static
Okay. I HATE the song Christmas Shoes. The holiday song genre of awful tearjerking emotional reactions is worse than stepping on a Lego, and this song is at the very top of the list. Then! THEN! I found this version by a Canadian Christian punk band. It’s just, so, so terrible. Totally worth the hate listen.
Mistress for Christmas – AC/DC
I got this tape for Christmas in the eighth grade. The rest of the album is pretty awesome as far as AC/DC goes. Top five album, easily. Wore out the tape in my Walkman. (I’m not that damn old, I just grew up in Idaho and didn’t get a CD player until 1998.) Every song is a winner, except this mess. I dunno what the fuck they were thinking.
Mary, Did You Know – Pentatonix
YES. MARY FUCKING KNEW. ANGEL VISITED HER. TOLD HER THE WHOLE DAMN THING. SHE’S THE ONE THAT SHOVED THAT BABY OUT OF HER VAGINA. MAYBE WE COULD NOT MANSPLAIN IT TO HER EVERY FUCKING YEAR, SHITTY CORPORATE MUSIC ACTS.
Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee
This song is only tolerable in that one scene in Home Alone, when he’s trying to fool the robbers in to thinking there’s people home. Otherwise, GTFO with this. Pumpkin pie? What is dancing in the new old-fashioned way? Just, done. Done with this damn song in every movie and store for weeks on end.
Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) – U2
Yanno what’s worse than U2? U2 singing this fucking song. Guessing Bono’s partner doesn’t give one flying fuck how lonely that egotistical fuck is on Christmas. Guessing he didn’t pay a goddamn bit of attention to her the other 363 days a year, but here he is, whining his ass off that she needs to come home to him. Fuck you, Bono. You’re getting coal.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Rosie O’Donnell and Angelica Pickles
I’ve got nothing but contempt. This song pisses me off almost as much as Santa, Baby, and this version is just…ugh. UGH!
Jingle Bells Grindcore – Guitar Grinch
Song that has no business having a metal cover: check.
Song that definitely should not be sung/screamed in a low growl: check
Good job, Guitar Grinch. This song is lovably awful.
The Most Wonderful Time of Year – Andy Williams
Advertising has ruined the SHIT out of this song. I can’t think of anything but commercials when I hear it. It’s a flashback to endless Lexus commercials and shopping montages and it’s loathsome. Thanks, commercialism. Ruining a perfectly good song with your bullshit.
Back Door Santa – Jet
I love the Blues. I love Jet. This song should totally work, and yet it TOTALLY DOESN’T. The double entendre does nothing for me, and its basically the opposite of what Christmas music should be. Just a miss all around.
Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Jimmy Buffett
This song is excruciating, almost like the three minutes leading up to date rape, and its even worse somehow with reversed sexes and with Jimmy Fucking Buffett, the patron saint of sixty-something beach bums and people still singing “Cheeseburger in Paradise” in bars every night. This song needs killed with fire. Toss all copies left in to the sun and delete it from the servers.
Christmas in Hollywood – Hollywood Undead
“So meet me under the mistletoe, let’s fuck…”
I don’t need to say anything else, I don’t think. We can wrap this thing up right there. Happy holidays, everyone.