July 23, 2017

TGS Presidential Bracket

Starting at 10am the polls will open to vote in the most important bracket the American People have ever voted on. We must find out who is the best fictional President if for any other reason to take our eyes away from the current election fun.  Remember this is for fun, so feel free to campaign for whomever you want to win.

Ted Flint

Kansas

Game 1:

bartletroslin
President Bartlet vs. President Roslin

President Josiah Bartlet what can be said that hasn’t already been said about possibly the great President of all time.  He is a direct decedent of a signer of the Declaration of Independence.  A master politician he survived an assassination attempt, his youngest daughter getting kidnapped, all while battling Multiple Sclerosis.  A smart charismatic loving father figure of a President, I don’t know how Bartlet gets beat.


From humble beginnings as the Secretary of Education, Laura Roslin found herself the sole remaining cabinet member to survive the brutal Cylon holocaust on the 12 Colonies. With fiery determination she forged together a fleet of the few remaining survivors as they fled from the Cylons while trying to find Earth. She dealt with dwindling supplies, religious zealots, and mutinies. All while battling cancer. Sure, she compromised her values and ideals. She may even have rigged an election, but it was to keep the deplorable Gaius Baltar from winning the presidency and ruining everything. Which of course he eventually did…again.
#MakeCapricaGreatAgain

Game 2:

Black President Bush vs. Frank Underwood
Black President Bush vs. President Frank Underwood

In the early 2000s, America seemed to be under the constant specter of terrorist attacks and war in middle eastern countries. Remember how hopeless it all felt back then? We needed an intelligent, decisive, bold leader to guide us through that period of foreign policy anxiety. That leader was not our actual president, George W. Bush. What we needed was, in fact, Dave Chappelle’s Black President Bush. Black Bush kept it real with us—we weren’t going after Sadaam for his potential possession of weapons of mass destruction, we were going after him because HE TRIED TO KILL BUSH SENIOR. YOU DON’T TRY TO KILL A MAN’S FATHER AND GET AWAY WITH IT. He had support from a coalition of nations, including Stankonia and the Zulu Nation, led by Afrika Bambaataa. And unlike the real Bush, Black Bush had the ambition this country needs—he had a legitimate plan to send us to Mars. Black Bush dealt with serious issues (aluminum tubes, an uncooperative United Nations, yellow cake), but he had the fortitude to guide this country through some of its darkest times. A vote for Black Geroge W. Bush is a vote for America. Just don’t ask him about oil.


What’s all this? An NCAA Tournament-style bracket to determine the best fake president? Now THAT is a novel idea, hahaha….

**turns aside, to camera, in southern accent**
“It’s NOT a good idea. My grandma had this saying—if you see a frog in a swamp about to die, kill it before the foxes come. I never quite understood that phrase, but you see, Frank Underwood doesn’t need his idioms to make sense. He’ll just kill you in your sleep before you can deduce their meaning. Underwood has the ruthless cunning needed to win this contest. He’ll get you to vote for the fake president you swore you would never support, then convince you that you really loved him/her the entire time. We need a fake president who isn’t afraid to make the tough calls and who has a wife who may be even more savage than he is. A fake president who will cartoonishly pee on the graves of his enemies. When they go low, he’ll go lower. Frank Underwood 2016. Make America make corrupt backroom deals again.

Game 3:

fitzandpalmer
President Palmer vs. President Fitz Grant

President David Palmer is an unfortunately fictional character from 24 played by Dennis Haysbert – you know, the Allstate guy with the deep ass voice. While at Georgetown, Palmer played basketball and hit the winning shot for the team against DePaul in the Final Four. The Democrat who formerly represented Baltimore and Maryland in the Senate was elected president in 24s first season. While running for president, Palmer found out his son murdered his daughter’s rapist, and his wife and a lawyer were conspiring to cover it up behind is back. Realizing the importance of the truth, he uncovered it himself and brought it to the public’s knowledge. Then he immediately dumped his wife after she tried manipulating him for political gain. One time Palmer had the 25th Amendment invoked against him, but after he was proven right in a matter of national security he was immediately reinstated. When several cabinet members offered their resignations in a sort of apology, he declined. Throughout five seasons with the show, Palmer survived several assassination attempts, but was eventually shot dead through his hotel window. Rest in peace, President Palmer. Don’t worry – your brother became president.


Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III, most commonly known as Fitz, seems like the perfect president at first glance. He’s the son of a politician, is Ivy League educated, served as a U.S. Navy pilot and is the former Republican governor of California who was married to the same woman and mother of his three children for over 20 years. But no man is without flaw. He fell in love on the campaign trail with media relations consultant, Oliva Pope, and continues the affair with her (on and off) after his inauguration into office while she serves as the White House Director of Communications. Fitz was not perfect and neither was his campaign. Unknown to him, his chief of staff, wife, mistress and a Supreme Court justice (who he later suffocates after she tries to have him assassinated) engaged in dirty tricks to get him elected, even rigging electronic voting machines, fixing the election to assure Fitz’s win. While in office, his oldest son dies, he gets a divorce from the First Lady and dreams of a happy and normal life out of the spotlight and in Vermont with Oliva Pope. Fitz’s second term is almost over and his ex-wife is now running for president. Hmm, a commander in chief who has a mistress and whose former First Lady is now running for office…remind you of anyone? Regardless, we realize that Fitz is not the perfect president, but man, he sure does have perfect abs, a dreamy gaze and suave hair.

Game 4:

lisaandnixon
President Lisa Simpson vs. President Nixon’s Head

In the year 2000, the Simpsons showed us a flash forward episode where President Lisa Simpson was elected the “First straight, female president” in the year 2030. While the appearance did not last a whole episode, it was oddly foreboding. Lisa showed during the episode that she never lost her nerdy tendencies – she dismisses her place in history to talk policy – “We’re going to focus on the three R’s – Reading, Writing, and Refilling the oceans!” and was showing her chops in a serious economic and education discussion. In less than one episode, Lisa proved that she would be amazing at the highest office in the land. She’s smart, can work with others, and has ideas that work in the real world to resolve big problems. Well, as long as Bart stays out of it.


Richard Nixon’s Head is a conservative voice in a liberal time – specifically a thousand years from now. Upon the realization that having a “brand new body” would allow him to run for office again, he was elected President of Earth four times in various shady schemes. In 3012, he was reelected for the last time (that we’re aware of) on a platform of building a fence around the southern portion of the solar system to keep out illegal immigrants. Nixon’s head is a hilarious villain, and for a character written a good 15 years before the current election cycle, cuts damn close to reality. He’s easy to derail, makes poor choices for cabinet members (Zapp Brannigan, really?), but has that drive for success and ability to fuck things up that Americans really love in our leaders.

Game 5:

sawyerasher
President Sawyer vs. President Asher

Well here’s another crazy movie where somehow the most highly guarded man and his home are overtaken by money hungry secret service members gone rogue. The funniest thing about comparing these POTUS characters, makes you wonder who had this movie idea first? And how they didn’t sue each other for copying it. John Cale is the “bad-ass” hero guy in this terrorist themed flick saddled with the task of saving even bigger wussy President James Sawyer, yet another movie where Channing Taintum plays a character and then I sit back and wonder “how the fuck is this guy and actor?”


What do President Benjamin Asher and Professor Josh Keyes (The Core) have in common? Well besides being played by Aaron Eckhart in wildly unrealistic action movies, nothing actually. But POTUS Asher better be damn thankful that he has Agent Mike Banning around to save his ass in the 2013 action flick “Olympus Has Fallen” Let’s be honest he wouldn’t have made it very far without old Mike there unrealistically saving the day. Also if you use anything other than “Eagle” for the code name for the president in your movie, I can’t take you seriously at all. Also this has Morgan Freeman therefore this one wins.

Game 6:

davecamacho
President “Bill Mitchell” (Dave) vs. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Fresh off his victory in the 2504 presidential race, President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho was faced with a number of challenges in a very chaotic (and idiotic) world.  Wielding an automatic weapon during his famous 2505 state of the union address, Camacho gave perhaps his most important speech, putting Not Sure (Luke Wilson) in charge of saving the country. His opening remarks are transcribed below:

“Shit, I know shit’s bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of French frieds and burrito coverings. But I got solution….”

South Carolina representative “That’s what you said last time, dipshit!”

See his full speech here


Initially hired to be a stand in look-a-like, Dave Kovic is thrust into the spotlight after the real President suffers a stroke while having an extra marital affair. The current administration is so terrified by the sitting Vice President to become Commander In Chief that they want to keep up the ruse of having Dave stand in. What could possibly go wrong in a 90s rom/com???  As President Mitchell, Dave completely turns around his popularity and looks to leave his own lasting mark on the country.

Game 7:

beckshepherd
President Beck vs. President Shepherd

Things I remember about Deep Impact.  It came out the same summer as Armageddon and it had Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck.  Morgan FREAKING Freeman,  I mean this man played god in one of those throw away Jim Carrey movies. I am decently sure he gave an amazing speech in Deep Impact about how mankind will survive and something.  If anyone can be a Cinderella it is Morgan err Tom Beck.


Before there was President Bartlett there was President Andrew Shepherd in the film “The American President”.  Both The American President and The West Wing were written by Aaron Sorkin which which explain how well-spoken President Shepherd is.  The is no other President on this list that could juggle passing bills and leading the government at the same time dating am environmental lobbyist. He might just surprise everyone and win the whole bracket.

Game 8:

whitmoremarshall
President Whitmore vs. President Marshall

President Whitmore saved us from the alien threat do I need to say more? #VoteWhitmore


Some of the others on this list have survived terrorist attacks but how many can say they survived them by themselves. NONE! Only President James Marshall can say he basically single handily took back Air Force One after it had been taken over by terrorists.  I am sure you saw the television movie that was made a few years back staring that hack Harrison Ford.  President Marshall or bust.

 

Ted Flint 92 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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