Last week was arguably the best week of the NFL season so far. We actually had some competitive games, entertaining plays, and a lot of weird shit. It was fun, enjoyable, and tweetable. Plus the Seahawks beat the Patriots in New England and the Browns continue on to their perfect losing season, soooooooo I’m a happy camper. Onward!
The Saints almost came back against the Panthers on Thursday Night Football. Chaos of Thanksgiving coming up and everyone in our house being sick prevented me from getting this week’s preview up in time. Saints still suck and the Panthers are mediocre. Hope Luke Kuechly gets better soon. No one likes to see a grown man cry on the field due to injury.
Pittsburgh Steelers (4-5) at Cleveland Browns (0-10)
The Browns are 0-10. They’ve lost 10 games in a row. The Steelers played an incredible game against the Cowboys last weekend, which if it weren’t for their unsteady defense and Ezekiel Elliott, they would’ve won. The Steelers are the best 4-win team in the league IMO. And god damn it, Browns, don’t fuck this up.
Baltimore Ravens (5-4) at Dallas Cowboys (8-1)
Tony Romo gave a sad press conference where he basically just gave up hope that he’ll ever play for the Cowboys again. Jerry Jones finally stopped jerking us around and has committed to the “hot hand” of Dak Prescott. The Cowboys are good, but their defense is banged up. They’re starting to look vulnerable on defense and Joe Flacco and Company might be able to exploit those weak spots on defense this week.
Winner: Ravens with the upset
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-7) at Detroit Lions (5-4)
I had no idea the Lions had a winning record. Would you look at that. They’ll win again. I’m not even going to waste your time breaking down this lack-luster matchup.
Tennessee Titans (5-5) at Indianapolis Colts (4-5)
The Titans are actually really decent for being the Tennessee Titans. They blew out the Packers last week. Literally just blew them out. Out of the water. Made me want some country music and some BBQ. Yeehaw, Nashville. The Colts are poop. Watch the Titans go over .500 this week on the road thanks to their running game.
There are so many of these weird, 90s-type Titans gifs. So weird.
Buffalo Bills (4-5) at Cincinnati Bengals (3-5-1)
The Bengals are toast, fam. The Bills have Percy Harvin back who thinks he has plenty left in the tank. He doesn’t. This matchup is full of magical fantasy and garbage. Andy Dalton will probably throw all over the Bills and LeSean McCoy will run run run as fast as he can.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5) at Kansas City Chiefs (7-2)
Look at the Chiefs being sneakily good again this year. Or they’ve just had a weak schedule. Whatever, this isn’t college football. Everyone in the NFL is somewhat good and it’s hard to win. College football is absolute chaos and I’ll get to that in my Thanksgiving special coming next week. Chiefs.
Chicago Bears (2-7) at New York Giants (6-3)
The Bears are struggling at everything in football and now they’re without Alshon Jeffery due to suspension. The Giants aren’t too terrible and are chasing the Cowboys in the NFC East. The Giants are going to football giant themselves over the Bears.
Arizona Cardinals (4-4-1) at Minnesota Vikings (5-4)
The Vikings have been on hot streaks this season. First it was five-straight wins and now it’s 4-straight losses. Hot diggity damn. The Cardinals have been cold… trying to figure out who they are. They’ve just been boring. But they’ll be able to get above .500 for the season this week against the Vikings and their pile of poop team.
Miami Dolphins (5-4) at Los Angeles Rams (4-5)
It’s time. Jared Goff will be starting for the Rams this week. Jeff Fisher finally pulled his head out of his ass and figured out that he needs to get rid of Case Keenum. No one wants to watch him play and he doesn’t do a whole lot. It’s Goff-Time. The Dolphins defensive line is going to eat eat eat and welcome Goff to the NFL in the nicest way possible. Two mediocre teams trying to keep their hopes alive for a better draft position.
New England Patriots (7-2) at San Francisco 49ers (1-8)
The Patriots suffered a loss at home last week in front of everyone to the Seattle Seahawks. They also lost Gronk to a monster hit from Earl Thomas. Rumor has it he punctured his lung. Holy shit. This isn’t a fair matchup at all. And the 49ers should’ve never won that one game so they could be like the Browns and have a perfect season.
Winner: duh. Patriots.
Philadelphia Eagles (5-4) at Seattle Seahawks (6-2-1)
I hate typing that 1. Ties are so fricken stupid. SO SO STUPID. But the Seahawks are in first place in the NFC West and the Eagles are struggling to keep pace with the Cowboys and the Giants in the NFC East. It’s going to be a great defensive matchup, but with the way Russell Wilson and Kam Chancellor have been playing, the Eagles just don’t have that edge they need to beat the Seahawks.
Green Bay Packers (4-5) at Washington Redskins (5-3-1)
I hate ties. Green Bay is playing like absolute shit and all these rumors about how Aaron Rodgers hates his whole family and he’s selfish and a terrible teammate are all coming out. The entire team is playing like shit and they don’t have any sort of running game. Their defense is decent, but their offense is middle of the pack. This game could just be a mess or we could all be incredibly entertained by the mediocrity and flaming pile of garbage that is the Green Bay Packers right now.
Houston Texans (6-3) at Oakland Raiders (7-2)
THE TEXANS HAVE SIX WINS?! What? This game is being played in MEXICO CITY, MEXICO. Fiesta! There are apparently packs of Raiders fans in Mexico and this game sold out in 30 minutes. That’s pretty rad. I’m all for playing games in Mexico. Too bad that wall is going to go up and the NFL won’t be able to get through. Sigh.
This is actually going to be a good game.