I’m doing things a little differently this week. The love of my life, Tawsha, is home sick from work and offered to help me write my preview. I’ll be adding her hot takes on top of mine this week, plus I’ll even let her pick gifs. Tawsha does a Top 40 morning radio show, loves Christmas and baking, and is in her second year of watching too much football with me on a weekly basis. Her football knowledge is self-described as “I know some things.”
Cleveland Browns (0-9) at Baltimore Ravens (4-4)
Another fucking terrible Thursday Night Football matchup in terrible uniforms. The Ravens will take the field wearing their Color Rush all purple uniforms. Barney-looking ass players. I’m firmly on the 0-16 train for Cleveland. They can’t do anything right so they’ll probably mess it up somehow, but not tonight.
Tawsha: This isn’t even worth talking about. The Browns are such garbage that it doesn’t even matter. And isn’t it like the Browns playing the Browns because the Ravens used to be the Browns? The Browns need to look at the Ravens like they were their future and were successful. Aren’t the Browns 0-and all of it?
Winner: Ravens (Tawsha: That’s a dumb question. Why’d you even ask me that?)
Houston Texans (5-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)
Tawsha: What movie were we watching that JJ Watt was in it?
Tawsha: Um. I like the Texans because I like JJ Watt because I don’t think he’s a human being… he’s playing right?
Winner: Texans. Tawsha says Jaguars.
Denver Broncos (6-3) at New Orleans Saints (4-4)
Tawsha: Well. Is, is – are the Broncos at home again?
Tawsha: Ugh. This could throw them off because I feel all of their games have been home games and that could throw them off.
Winner: Broncos. Tawsha: Doesn’t Von Miller play for the Broncos? I’ll take his dancing.
Los Angeles Rams (3-5) at New York Jets (3-6)
Holy shit both of these teams suck.
“I feel bad for the Rams actually. I hate their coach. They’re just kinda stuck with him. The Jets… it’s at Jets?”
“Who plays for the Jets!?”
“Oh I like Brandon Marshall. Is it crazy to say that I think the Jets are going to win because they’re tougher than the Rams? The Rams have lost their edge. They’re so LA now.”
Winner: Jets (J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS)
Atlanta Falcons (6-3) at Philadelphia Eagles (4-4)
The Falcons are legitimately good. They’re like really good. This game should be on primetime. Why isn’t this game on national TV? The NFL is pissing me off. Schedule better. The Eagles lost last week to the Giants and have been pretty lack-luster since their hot start. Typical Philly. The Falcons are just flat out good, but their defense is poo.
Tawsha: It’s the battle of the birds and I’m deathly afraid of birds so I’m really having a hard time with this – making it feel good. In honor of my glorious friend Lizzy I choose the Eagles.
Winner: Falcons. (Sorry Lizzy)
Kansas City Chiefs (6-2) at Carolina Panthers (3-5)
The Panthers barely beat the Rams last week, but they won and are on a 2-game win streak after their 1-5 start. They’re getting back to their 2015 form, but still are just missing that umph. The Chiefs are, again, sneakily good and no one is paying attention to them. The Chiefs are going to figure the Panthers out pretty quickly.
Tawsha: Cam “Transformer” Newton. Remember when we saw him and he was just so big? I think they’re 2-game win streak are going to come to a close. Because the Chiefs are going to want to beat a runner-up Super Bowl team.
Winner: Chiefs (Yeah, I’m gonna go with the Chiefs)
Chicago Bears (2-6) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-5)
What is this? Shitty matchup week? Again? The Bears are coming off of a bye and the Bucs just got blown out by the Falcons on TNF. Bucs are garbage. Their running core is all injured and some guy I’ve never heard of is starting and I picked him up in fantasy because I didn’t have a choice. I don’t even know his name.
Tawsha: Well. Yikes. So really it’s a toss-up. I’m gonna put all my cards in the Doug Martin basket.
Um, he’s injured and they’re not sure if he’ll play this week.
Tawsha: It’s kind of a bummer that I’m doing this and finding that out as I’m doing this.
He’s on your fantasy team.
Minnesota Vikings (5-3) at Washington Redskins (4-3-1)
The Vikings have finally figured out how to suck and play to the expectations of them this season.
Tawsha: This whole tie thing is bullshit. I say the Redskins are gonna win because of the whole tie thing. Because they’ve been given up on. A tie is giving up. They’re going to take their participation award and shove it up the NFL’s ass. The last thing they know is that they tied – that blows.
Well I mean she pretty much covered it. So.
Green Bay Packers (4-4) at Tennessee Titans (4-5)
The Packers are in the midst of their mid-season meltdown, where the fan base gives up on them and everyone pretends Aaron Rodgers sucks. They’re going to rebound and it’ll be fine. The Titans still have a fucking great running game, but NHL season has started so the city of Nashville doesn’t care about the Titans anymore.
Tawsha: I’m ruining your article aren’t I?
“Am I embarrassing you?”
No. What do you think about the Packers at the Titans?
“After seeing what the guy on the Titans did last week for that little kid crying I can’t go against that. Plus they were really good at one point and everyone was on board. But then when I moved to Nashville everyone just forgot about them. Now they’re back and people are on board and I don’t think that’s fair. But the team has been there the whole time. Go Titans go. Aaron Rodgers has bedroom eyes.”
Winner: Packers. (Tawsha: I am kinda bummed that when I lived there nobody cared. Titans.)
Miami Dolphins (4-4) at San Diego Chargers (4-5)
Tawsha: All I wanna do is mention Philip Rodgers and his 15 kids.
Who’s Philip Rodgers?
Tawsha: I was thinking of Aaron Rodgers! God!
San Francisco 49ers (1-7) at Arizona Cardinals (3-4-1)
Cardinals are better, duh. Everyone is better than the 49ers.
Tawsha: I hate the 49ers so much I can’t even find anything nice to say about them. And they’re playing the Cardinals… with Larry Fitzgerald who I absolutely love. I think he’s the nicest guy in the world. And I wanna cry every time I look at him because of the commercial where he calls his moms voicemail. Plus he’s good. Go Cardinals.
Dallas Cowboys (7-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (4-4)
This is going to be an actual game with actual good football. I think the Steelers will probably knock the Cowboys off their high horse (yeehaw, cowboy pun) and hand them their second loss. But only if their defense plays to their potential. What do you think about the Cowboys at the Steelers, Tawsh?
Seattle Seahawks (5-2-1) at New England Patriots (7-1)
This game hurts me. I don’t like it. I’m not prepared for the stress it’s going to cause me. I’m not excited about it. The Seahawks are so up and down and inconsistent and terrifying. I need drinks. All of the drinks.
Tawsha: “I’m kind of scared actually. All that plays through my head….
“As much as I’d like to say I’m confident heading into this game, I don’t know who’s going to show up. Our offense or our defense. But I can’t neglect my team, so I say the Seahawks win.”
Winner: Ugh, Seattle
Cincinnati Bengals (3-4-1) at New York Giants (5-3)
When did the Giants become 5-3? That’s pretty sneaky. Good for you, Eli. I need fantasy points from both teams this week so I’d like overtime. Two of the best passing offenses in the league, lots of yards, lots of points, lots of happy fantasy owners. Two of the worst defenses in the league, OFFENSE.
Tawsha: “Sigh. Bengals at Giants? Um. Who plays for the Bengals?”
AJ Green, Andy Dalton…
“AJ Dalton? The Ginger?”
AJ GREEN. ANDY DALTON.
“Are you mad at me?”
Tawsha you pick a gif.
“Search the word, ‘rawr’”
Winner: Giants (Tawsha: Is AJ Green hot? Pick the Bengals.)
Well we’re never doing this again.