September 24, 2017

Holiday 2016 gift guide for a post-election America

What do you get the country that hates everything? (h/t Nicole) Sure, the citizens of the United States are still reeling from the most divisive election in quite some time, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll stop being us. Capitalism rules, for now, so why not use its last gasps to make sure we’re ready for whatever may come? I’ve broken this list down, not by race, color, religion, sex, orientation, or creed, but by competing vision for our country and their possible outcomes.

If Trump’s supporters are right and America wins again:

So, let’s think positive for a minute and believe that the US will return to supremacy through trickle down economics and criminalizing natural attributes and behaviors. Say Trump keeps his promise to put the country back to work through infrastructure projects such as a wall along the southern border and a rebuilt power grid. The middle class prospers. Everyone’s lives improve because everyone is living under the right’s rules (omg I can’t believe I just typed that like it’s real) and Trumpism reigns. To prepare for that world, we will need to do nothing more than spend money like it’s going out of style, and get our gaudy on. Of course, anyone who is anyone will be wearing Trump collection merchandise, bought on their new Trump credit card from Trump bank.

For Him:

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Sure, The Donald’s suits that he buys for himself might cost thousands of dollars, but you too can have a cheap, shiny, poorly fitted suit with his name on the label for a fraction of the cost from Amazon! He really is thinking about you, men of America. Oh, you aren’t a suit guy? That’s fine. You will learn. Or else. Trump’s America is Classy America.

For Her:

screen-shot-2016-11-13-at-4-18-21-pmKeep the ladies in your life warm with a fake fur lined coat from Ivanka’s line that is rather shapeless and is way more expensive than the suit above. It’s common knowledge that women think the objects in their lives are useless unless they cost a lot. The way to a woman’s heart is through her closet, after all, and her place is in the home. That makes buying this coat okay – she won’t need it but a few times when you take her out to serve as arm candy at a holiday party anyway.

For The Kids:

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Okay, so it’s a $53 talking doll. Yes, you’re going to catch your kid using this to play-grab a Barbie by the pussy and bang their no-no places together. I have no idea what is going to come out of this thing’s mouth next, but I know that it will be honest to the doll’s feelings at the time. Or, yanno, the result of a glitch in the matrix. Either way, any kid would be ecstatic to tear the head and legs off of this and use it to clog up the toilet.

If those who think that we should give him a chance are right:

For the adults:

It costs nothing, which is good because we know that the new America can’t be bothered with no waste of time and money like readin’ and books with paragraphs. This e-book takes Trump’s the Art of the Deal and breaks it down to key points and sound bite sized chunks. If we’re going to give him a chance, then better strive to understand his thought process.

For the kids:

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No better reminder of a winning mentality than a penguin. It doesn’t matter what belongs to the penguin, or what has happened in the past, we all learned from that Nat Geo video floating around Twitter that penguins don’t give a fuck. They’ll steal your house, kids, and girl and then beat the shit out of you with their flippers made of solid bone and take out a fucking eye with their sharp beak if you won’t get the hell away and let them enjoy their spoils. For full effect, use some left over fake blood and make your kids think this is the scary motherfucker it is in the wild. Alpha males win, bitch. Best to learn that lesson early.

Those convinced that Trump is going to lead to new Russian overlords:

For the adults:

screen-shot-2016-11-13-at-4-51-22-pmThe Vasco Speak and Translate translator is a high tech way to make sure that your pleadings as a US citizen are understood by the invading forces before your rights are trampled spectacularly. It’s the size of a cell phone, and will fit seamlessly in the pocket of our mandatory government issued adidas tracksuits.

For the kids:

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Get your children prepared for their futures serving in the coalition armies or as part of the resistance by getting their drone flight skills honed early. The MOTA Jetjat Ultra Drone with One Touch Take-Off & Landing is the perfect tool/toy for doing everything from photographing the neighbors anti-American activities to dropping fireworks on targets where bad actors are known to frequent. The new world might be scary, but this toy might ensure that they have a valuable skill that the overlords can exploit, which could keep your adorable little munchkin alive one more day.

Those convinced that this is the end of the world and the trigger of the apocalypse:

For the adults:

81cqzzo1ykl-_sl1250_The Extreme Survival Kit Deluxe for Four guarantees supplies for at least 72 hours for four people in a survival situation, like when the demons of Hades ascend through the Hellmouth that has probably been built in to the foundations of Trump’s new White House adjacent hotel. This kit is the well prepared man’s way to keep his family alive while he figures out how to get to a place with additional resources and security.

screen-shot-2016-11-13-at-5-17-58-pmThe Knight’s Armament Master Key is the perfect weapon for your apocalyptic needs. It’s a combo weapon, an 870 Magnum that can be fitted with either a shotgun or a grenade launcher. When the shit hits the fan and the stampeding hordes are coming after your fire and supplies, it’s good to know that you have a versatile tool that feels like something you’ve used 1000 times playing Call of Duty.

For the kids:

screen-shot-2016-11-13-at-5-26-20-pmThe Bear Grylls survival kit will give your child a fighting chance to stay alive once they get separated from you. The innocent will inherit the earth, and we all know that your sinful ass isn’t making the cut. Anybody who can make it to adulthood in 2016 is a goner. At least with this, your little survivor will be able to build a fire and not freeze to death as long as they can read. Hell may await, but this will give a slight bit of peace of mind that you at least tried to do something to protect that innocent baby before they fall in to the clutches of Satan’s minions.

The holiday Christmas season of 2016 is a time to be excited. It might be the last Christmas ever full of good old fashioned United States Capitalist greed. Be generous to others, be kind, eat too much and remember that nothing means anything so we might as well enjoy the moment we’re in right now.

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Happy Holidays, one and all.
Tami Dooley 85 Articles
Chief Shade Officer

Tami is a 5th generation Idahoan, who is pretty sure these guys think Idaho is somehow Iowa, but is rolling with it. She lives in Boise with her husband and their poodle and is a rabid Boise State fan. After a short but illustrious career of standing in remote places holding a stop sign, Tami now holds a respectable job and feigns adulthood on a regular basis.

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