July 24, 2017

The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner: Week 8

We’ve entered the doldrums of the NFL fantasy season.

You spend those first few weeks obsessing over all kinds of details. What sort of fertilizer are they using at Gillette Stadium this year? Was Zach Ertz able to get in an Epsom salt bath the night before the game? Does Aaron Rodgers still hate Jeff Janis?

By the time Week 8 rolls around, though, bye weeks are in full tilt, injuries are stacking up and other things are diverting your attention – the World Series, the NBA, yard work. When you devote a not insignificant amount of time during the week researching the prospects of CJ Fiedoronoranowicz, well that just doesn’t feel like time well spent, my friends.1

Then there’s this lovely note from Yahoo Fantasy on my dynasty league’s homepage:

top-player
First of all, this is an ad – gross. Secondly, although I appreciate the lowkey burn pointing out Jeremy Hill as my top-ranked player, screw you, Yahoo. I’ve won all my games by at least 30 points this season, despite Jeremy Hill’s utter mediocrity.

Now, I’m a fan of Kafka and Carroll, so I’m all about going down the rabbit hole and staring into the gaping maw of oblivion that is this “shop now” link. Sure enough, what the Yahoo Sports Shop has to offer is as worthless as it is depressing.

lego-hill

Nobody wants this.

It’s the middle of the fantasy football season. Ties in London. A Jacquizz Rodgers injury is relevant. May God have mercy on our souls.

The Laura Hall from Whose Line Is It Anyway? Underappreciated National Treasure Award

Frank Gore.

I’m going to go ahead and give Gore the Laura Hall Lifetime Achievement Award because this dude has been underappreciated for about half his career. If you don’t own him, you might be surprised to learn that he’s delivered a solid line every single week this season. On a team as dysfunctional as the Colts, that’s impressive.

Here are some guys fantasy owners were winning weeks with when Gore entered the league: Brandon Llyod, TJ Duckett, Ashley Lelie, Julius Jones and the G.O.A.T. Alge Crumpler. The man is indestructible.

1 – As I type this, the Texans just ran a jet sweep with Braxton Miller on 3rd-and-9 in Lions territory, which is the Webster’s Dictionary definition of NFL Week 8.

Astounding Fantasy Practitioner 7 Articles
Staff Writer

In 1938 Los Angeles, The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner (AFP) found a rocket pack hidden in a bi-plane cockpit. He used the pack to rescue his friend Malcolm, who was drunkenly piloting a bi-plane. This is not the plot summary of The Rocketeer, so don't bother checking. AFP is the resident fantasy football expert at The Tailgate Society. He's won every fantasy football contest in which he's ever participated by at least 30 points. He can bench press more than you. His dad can beat up your dad.

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