November 25, 2017

The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner: Week 4

My sincerest apologies for going MIA last week. I was in Las Vegas, unable to devote the requisite time towards a Week 3 wrap-up.

I know what you’re thinking. I was three-sheets to the wind, with my pants around my ankles, on top of the Circus Circus clown. That’s why I didn’t write an article. Truth is, I was in Vegas for work, logging long, joyless days at a mining expo.

Don’t get me wrong, I was most definitely drunk at Circus Circus at one point, but my debauchery was relatively contained and was not the reason for my absence last week.

While we’re on the subject, what is up with Circus Circus? This is a carnival-themed hotel and casino. In other words, clowns. I understand getting playful with your hotel/casino names. Treasure Island = booty! Caesar’s Palace = I’m a god! But Circus Circus? What is the tone supposed to be? It’s 2016. Nobody likes clowns. It doesn’t help that the place looks hopelessly bland compared to buildings like Rio and Bellagio. It’s also a bit of a dump, and it’s literally named Circus Circus. The word “circus” two times. Why? If anyone can please explain why or how Circus Circus exists, I will be in your debt.

Anyway, thank god I’m back for Week 4 because it’d have been a shame to miss yet another spectacular London game. I’d say the Colts-Jags tilt set football back, but since the game was played in the UK, it technically occurred in the future. Note: All jokes are on par with the quality of the games they represent.

Can you believe we’re a quarter of the way through the season already? Seems like only yesterday you were preparing to dominate your league with Keenan Allen, Sammy Watkins and Eric Decker. Now look at you. Alone, weeping into your third bowl of Fruit Loops. Pathetic.

I think this week I’ll do a list of five guys I’m not really believing, despite some nice box scores. Everyone loves lists!

Top-5 Players I’m Looking At Sideways

1 – Ryan Tannehill
Shockingly, Tannehill has been delivering some usable fantasy lines the first quarter of the season, save for the latest TNF debacle. I’m assuming there will be more of that going forward, unfortunately, a prognostication which probably isn’t blowing anybody away, but for a QB who always seems to be on the cusp of his breakout, it’s just another reminder that Tannehill will probably never be anything more than Super Matt Moore.

2 – Matt Forte
I talked about how I wasn’t really buying Matt Forte’s resurgence in New York a couple weeks ago, and I’m still betting the wheels start falling off sooner or later. In fact, after his game this week, he apparently caught a ride on a cart to get some x-rays. This comes after posting paltry lines the last two weeks. If you haven’t sold high yet, you might want to put that above “pay rent” and “stop disappointing my mother” on your to-do list this week.

3 – LeGarrette Blount
Fact: Going into Week 4, LeGarrette Blount was your NFL rushing yardage leader. Not surprising, given New England has been starting… I don’t know, Akili Smith the past two weeks. I mean, I guess it is surprising given that LeGarrette Blount is trash. I understand that he’s an effective player if you give him a boatload of carries, but that means in order for him to ever be effective, you have to devote the entire game to feeding him. This is why he’s usually a disappointment. With Touchdown Tom returning in Week 5, prepare to be disappointed in LeGarry.

4 – Isaiah Crowell
I’m actually a fan of the Crow. I really want him to be a thing, but there’s so much about his early production that screams fluke. Lots of busted plays resulting in untouched long runs. Garbage yards on 3rd-and-longs at the end of games. Isaiah Crowell is basically a younger LeGarrette Blount. He’s more likely to turn 20 rushes into 30 yards than not. Don’t get me wrong, I’d wear an Isaiah Crowell authentic jersey tomorrow if you bought it for me (hint, hint!), but a top-tier fantasy RB he is not.

5 – Terrance West
At this point, you probably get that I’m not really high on running backs as a whole. In fact, by the end of the season, I fully expect Brandon Oliver, Danny Woodhead and Dreamius Smith to be the top three fantasy running backs of 2016, and all three of these guys were put on IR in San Diego last month. Such is the volatility of not just fantasy football but the running position, in particular. Terrance West had a solid Week 4, but the guy suffers a little from what held Christine Michael back before his #awakening. He just doesn’t appear to be “about this life” as an NFL grinder, which is what he’d need to be in order to find success. I’d perhaps be more optimistic were Kenneth Dixon not entering the fold soon, but he is, so fully expecting Terrance to fall back into delivering 8-27 stat lines.

The Laura Hall From Whose Line Is It Anyway? Underappreciated National Treasure Award

This week’s LHFWLIIAUNTA winner is Michael Crabtree.

I don’t think I’ve ever seriously considered drafting Michael Crabtree at the beginning of a season, yet Crabs continues to deliver solid lines out in Oakland.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Michael Crabtree play a single down of football.

Does Michael Crabtree really exist?

Astounding Fantasy Practitioner 7 Articles

Staff Writer

In 1938 Los Angeles, The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner (AFP) found a rocket pack hidden in a bi-plane cockpit. He used the pack to rescue his friend Malcolm, who was drunkenly piloting a bi-plane. This is not the plot summary of The Rocketeer, so don’t bother checking. AFP is the resident fantasy football expert at The Tailgate Society. He’s won every fantasy football contest in which he’s ever participated by at least 30 points. He can bench press more than you. His dad can beat up your dad.

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