I’m not going to come here today pretending to be as knowledgeable and informed on the NFL as our resident expert, Janice. The truth of the matter is she’s on a BYE this week, so I was picked up of the trash pile of the waiver wire for some spot duty this week. I’m sure some of you fantasy footballers can relate. What I lack in humor and NFL knowledge, I more than make up for with a gambling addiction. So to mix things up a bit, I’ll be picking against the spread.
What we’ve learned so far is that the Minnesota Vikings appear to be a team of destiny, the Broncos don’t actually need a quarterback and Wentzylvania is indeed a real thing. We also learned that having a week four BYE is so stupid, the Kansas City Chiefs decided to take a week four BYE even though it wasn’t on the schedule (bold strategy), and that if your team isn’t undefeated, they suck and they’re probably 1-3. Let’s get on with the show.
Arizona Cardinals (1-3) at San Francisco 49ers (1-3) [Cardinals -3.5]
Oh how convenient, let’s start with a matchup of shitty 1-3 teams. These two teams probably shouldn’t have the same record as the Cardinals were a trendy Super Bowl pick and the 49ers are still playing something called a Blaine Gabbert at quarterback. How do you explain the Cardinals losing to the Rams and the Bills back to back weeks? You don’t, you just pray you’re not the team that follows.
The pick: Cardinals -3.5
New England Patriots (3-1) at Cleveland Browns (0-4) [Patriots – 10.5]
As a lifelong Dolphins fan it really warms my heart to see the Patriots have the success they’ve had without Brady these first four weeks *FART NOISE*. What the actual hell is it going to take for ANY other team to win this division?
Sure, Brady may be a little rusty, and Gronkowski may still be partying on a boat somewhere, but is there any real doubt that Brady hangs half a hundred on the browns while giving Goodell a symbolic middle finger? Here’s some exclusive video of Brady knocking the rust off.
The pick: Patriots -10.5
Philadelphia Eagles (3-0) at Detroit Lions (1-3) [Eagles -3]
How long do we think Carson Wentz go before losing as a quarterback in the NFL? Well I don’t see it being this week because the Eagles are coming off that critically important week four BYE. Seriously, NFL? You’re worried about player safety, but you’re gonna make the Eagles play 12 straight weeks? That’s ludicrous.
On the other side, I just don’t see how the Lions score enough to keep up. Philly has a great pass rush and I’m just not sold the Lions will be able to score enough points to keep up in this one.
The pick: Eagles -3
Chicago Bears (1-3) at Indianapolis Colts (1-3) [Colts -4.5]
Just when we thought we’d seen all the matchups of 1-3 teams, the NFL throws this pile of garbage at us. I’m not sure Chuck Pagano doesn’t lose his job if he loses this game, but it’s precisely for that reason that I’m picking the Colts here. Andrew Luck is good, he’s not the problem, the rest of the Colts though – woof.
The Bears are not good either. And much to my fantasy football shagrin, Jeremy Langford is going to miss some serious time. If there was ever a team the Colts defense needed to see to gain some confidence, it’s the Jay Cutler led Bears.
The pick: Bears +4.5
Tennessee Titans (1-3) at Miami Dolphins (1-3) [Dolphins -3.5]
SON OF A BITCH I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH 1-3 TEAMS! I mean, mathematically this doesn’t even make sense. Sure seems like everyone sucks this year. You see, I’m a Dolphins fan, and while 1-3 may seem terrible, their losses are @Seattle, @New England, and @Cincinatti. That’s a pretty brutal schedule. Seeing as it took them overtime to beat the Browns at home, I’m not confident that they could beat anybody by more than three.
As for the Titans, I have no idea how they didn’t win last week against the Texans, and I’m also not sure why they hired a coach with the name Mularkey to lead their franchise. I think I’m just a pretty down Dolphins fan right now.
The pick: Titans +3.5
Washington Redskins (2-2) at Baltimore Ravens (3-1) [Ravens -4]
Maybe it’s because the Ravens are the worst 3-1 team I can think of, maybe it’s because Joe Flacco is indeed not elite, but I just don’t see the Ravens winning this football game. The Washington Redskins are making short trip to Baltimore to take on what I think is the biggest fake ID in the NFL. Do I think they win? Probably not. Do I think non-elite Joe Flacco leads the Ravens to a game winning field goal and furthers his Trent Dilfer-like career?
Yes. Yes, I do.
The pick: Redskins +4
Houston Texans (3-1) at Minnesota Vikings (4-0) [Vikings -6.5]
The pick: Vikings -6.5
New York Jets (1-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) [Steelers – 7.5]
We all just saw what Big Ben did to the Kansas City Chiefs, yes? We saw what the Chiefs defense did to Ryan Fitzpatrick, yes? I know these transitive properties don’t necessarily apply, but I just don’t see how the Jets pull this off, especially on the road.
I’m thinking we see a whole lot of this:
The pick: Steelers -7.5
Atlanta Falcons (3-1) at Denver Broncos (4-0) [Broncos -6]
I think I jumped to a conclusion to quickly. I called Baltimore the biggest fake ID in the NFL. I could go back and change that, but that’s a lot of work, but if I could, I’d put them #3, behind both of these teams.
Denver could be playing me at quarterback this Sunday and I think they pull this off because their defense is just that good. Matty Ice being ‘good’ again is a feel good story, but I just don’t see him going into Mile High and throwing the ball all over the field. I’ll bet we hear a lot of that “IN-COM-PLEEEETE” bull shit from the Broncos fans.
The pick: Broncos -6
Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) at Dallas Cowboys (3-1) [Bengals -1.5]
I have an irrational hate for Dak Prescott simply because he’s a decent rookie that plays for the Cowboys. Perhaps the most impressive feat he’s pulled this far is leading the Cowboys to a 3-1 record with the national media dangling from his groin.
A lot will be learned about the young signal caller this week as he faces his toughest defensive opponent to date. I’m riding the Cincy Kitties.
The pick: Bengals -1.5
San Diego Chargers (1-3) at Oakland Raiders (3-1) [Raiders -3.5]
There is no more snake bitten team in the league than the San Diego Chargers. At this point it’s like they’re inventing ways to lose ball games.
The Raiders went on the road and exposed the Ravens last week in a ‘show me’ game for the trendy up-start Raiders. The only scare here is that this is kind of a letdown game after a big road win, but if Oakland is everything they were build up to be during the preseason, this is exactly the type of game they need to go out and dominate.
The pick: Raiders -3.5
Buffalo Bills (2-2) at Los Angeles Rams (3-1) [Rams -3]
What the fuck is this? How is Jeff Fisher almost halfway to 8-8 already? He’s got to come back down to Earth at some point, and I think that is this week. The Bills seem to be clicking a bit more after some early season coaching changes, and I think that continues on the road against the Rams because Case Keenum hasn’t had a Case Keenum game in a hot minute.
The pick: Bills +3
New York Giants (2-2) at Green Bay Packers (2-1) [Packers -7.5]
Oh good, we get to watch the Giants in primetime again. It was so successful last week, I could see why NBC is thrilled to have such a stellar primetime matchup. Good lord, the only reason I’m picking the Packers is because I watched the Giants, and if OBJ is ‘no longer having fun playing football’ then what are they gonna do here?
The Packers got that clutch week four BYE, so they’ll be well rested and willing to piss pound a beaten Giants team to try and restore some order to the NFC North.
The pick: Packers -7.5
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3) at Carolina Panthers (1-3) [N/A]
How fitting that we end the week with a matchup of 1-3 teams. Not only that, we get a matchup of 1-3 teams without a point spread because we don’t know if Cam Newton is even going to play in this one. Stewart is already out and I have no interest in watching a Doug Martin-less Buccaneers team, so I think I’m going to sit this Monday night tire fire out.
Enjoy at your own expense.
The pick: Panthers
I don’t know about you, but it kind of seems like a crappy week ahead in the NFL, but you know what? I’ll probably watch anyway because that’s what we apparently do as a society. Sundays are for the NFL. Sigh.
I also need to see if I won any money because you know…