July 24, 2017

What would Ted Flint do? – 9/5/16

**Editors Note: Ted wanted this to be unedited and untouched in any way. However, the editorial staff thought it was best to not subject our readers to such torture. So while some editing took place, we found a happy medium to give you ‘Drunk Ted’s’ words as accurately as we could while still being decipherable. Enjoy.**

First off, let’s ask the important question. What are you drinking? I am currently drinking a Honey Brown Lager from Dundee Brewery. Anyway, let’s get on with the show. It is currently 1:11 am and I am primed.

Question from @smfen:

#WWTFD a man shows up in your driveway hands you keys to an RV, a credit card with a million bucks and says be back in a week. Your plan?

This is tough. What season is it? Because if it’s football season I would try to hit as many football games as possible. Also, with a million dollars, you’ve got to ask yourself if you should go to Vegas and put it all Cubs winning the World Series because we all know that is going to happen. Honestly, I would drive that bitch to as many sporting events as I possible could in the seven days I had, and hope a “Judgement Night” type encounter happens. If you haven’t seen “Judgement Night” go rent it, or stream it or whatever you youths do these days.

Question from my good friend @jaredsmith24:

Why do you pretend to hate Miller Lite? #WWTFD

So former good friend Jared Smith, I should say. Contrary to what popular media members might say, Miller Lite is possum urine. I have seen the clips PETA is afraid to release. Those poor possums pissing in those classy Miller Lite cans – The humanity. Am I the only one who will speak for the Possums?

‏Question from @Zhawk44:

#WWTFD if he walked into a bar and the Iowa State/UAB NCAA tournament game was on every TV?

Why do you hurt me Felts, are we not both Cubs fans? If I walked into the a bar where the only thing on TV was the ISU/UAB game I would start chugging Miller Lites because I assume that is the only thing a shithole like that would have on tap. So maybe if I chugged enough, and took a few well whiskey shots, I might pass out before that jerkwad who only shots 28 percent from three makes the ‘nail in the coffin three’ for UAB. Also screw the new Pete’s Dragon. Screw all the dragons. I hear Dragons hate puppies. I’ve heard Dragons don’t salute the Amercan flag. SAD! We should deport all Dragons. We should build a wall so tall that no Dragons will ever be able to come into the USA! Make America DRAGON-FREE AGAIN!

Halfway done, what are you drinking now Ted?

I am now drinking a Hide and Seek Hefeweizen from the Public House Brewing Company.

Question from @gleasonben:

#WWTFD What’s your favorite place(s) at Lake of the Ozarks?

This is super easy. If you ever make it to the Ozarks you need to find a place near Sunrise Beach, and go to the Bear Bottom Resort. I make jokes, but Bear Bottom Resort is my happy place. It is a chill little wet bar with water slides where you can drink Run Runners all day in the pool. Funny thing is nobody ever leaves the pool to use the restroom….. It may not be as crazy as Coconuts or Shady Gators, but if you feel like drinking slushy drinks in a chill environment go to Bear Bottom.

Question from ‏@HawkeyeACE:

@TedFlintKansas #wwtfd if he just talked football and not publicized his drinking habits? Sure we would still get same hot takes.

Sigh… Why has this all of a sudden become a topic? Would you rather me be a nameless Cyclone Twitter account. Should I change my Twitter handle to IheartCY73 or some bullshit? My Twitter account is not a brand or a company it is how I feel and what I am thinking. It is a running diary of my head. I am sorry that I drink. If that makes you uncomfortable maybe hit that unfollow button. I am first and foremost a person, and I tweet what I am doing and what I am thinking. Twitter is a running consciousness of what is going on in my head. PS. who are you my father? I guess what you aren’t because his Twitter handle is @Papaflint80.

Question from @Jared_Leeper:

Which would you rather have happen ISU gives Iowa its first loss of the season or NDSU gives Iowa their first loss of the season? #WWTFD

It is 2am and the world is tilting and I get this freaking question? So I can either ISU start 2-0 or watch Twitter burn to the ground with Iowa losing to a FCS school? NDSU fans are such jerkwads, but seeing them have the high ground on Iowa fans… I really don’t like this question. This is too damn hard. I am going to pick ISU in this scenario, but between you and me – lean in close – get closer – “shhhhh I think Iowa starts 1-2”. Good night everyone.

Cheers! I love you all. Even the Iowa fans who are going to hate read this. I give you all permission to screen shot how freaking dumb I am tonight, err this morning.

LETS ALL GET LAID!!!!

Ted Flint 92 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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