December 15, 2017

What would Ted Flint do? – 9/14/16

**Editor’s Note: Ted wanted this to be unedited and untouched in any way. However, the editorial staff thought it was best to not subject our readers to such torture. So while some editing took place, we found a happy medium to give you ‘Drunk Ted’s’ words as accurately as we could while still being decipherable. Enjoy.**

It is 11pm on Saturday night, and I just saw my Iowa State Cyclones get their freaking ass kicked. I am drunk and I am sipping on apple pie, let’s do this.

Question from: @Hawks101101

Clueless or Mean Girls? #WWTFD

I never saw Clueless. I know what you are going to say, “but Ted aren’t you old balls?” Yes. Yes I am.

I know two things about Clueless. It has the girl from all the Aerosmith videos (no, not Steven Tyler’s daughter – the other one), and I’m pretty sure it had Turk from Scrubs? So, I guess I would go with Mean Girls. Which would be where Lindsay Lohan was at peak attractiveness. Before ALLLLLL the drugs kicked in.

Question from: ‏@jtthenutt

Where would Ted refuse to poop? #WWTFD

Easy answer: nowhere. Once you have pooped under a pontoon boat, in the middle of Lake of the Ozarks at party cove, you can pretty much poop anywhere without being nervous.

Question from: @TomSelleck16

When’s the last time you saw a ping pong pop out of a hole? #WWTFD

Can I plead the fifth? You know, I am not sure I have ever seen this particular parlor trick in person. I mean, that is what you would call it right? A parlor trick? Makes it seem more classy. Not that popping ping pong balls out of orifices isn’t classy.  Anyways, moving on!

Question from:@alangrayhawk

In today’s society, what has had more of an impact on western civilization? Cheese or the band ‘The Beatles’. Why?

This question is amazing. Both of these things are so versatile. I mean The Beatles’ earlier stuff compared to later stuff like Sgt. Peppers Band, covers so many areas. Then we have cheese. Cheese comes in blocks, cans, slices, foam hats, sticks, chunks, balls, circles, squares, rectangles… sorry I went and made a microwavable cheese sandwich. Got hungry – no idea where I was going with this. I flipped a coin. Coin says Beatles… NEXT!!

Question from:@flagg_chris

Over/under on how many beers I’ll shotgun while tailgating Saturday? #WWTFD

ALL OF THEM!!!!!

Question from: ‏@MNelson_ISU

If 1 is Christian Ponder and 10 is Tom Brady, how elite is Joe Flacco?

Regular season Joe Flacco probably is about a Jay Cutler on that scale. Post season Joe Flacco is like merging Joe Montana and Joe Namanth into one person. I don’t care if that makes sense. All Joe Flacco does is throw bombs. Playoff Joe Flacco is that asshole on Madden that only calls a Hail Mary pass play, and kicks your freaking ass. His running back never sees the field. He is going deep every single play. Just deal with it.

Question from: @Serious_Snail

You’re vacationing in the Ozarks, You have a Sasquatch encounter…#WWTFD

Selfie is the obvious answer here, right? But it has to be a video selfie because no matter what, some asshole is going to call it fake. God, Smith would hate me if I saw a Squatch without him. I’m not sure our friendship survives. Do you know how much money you would make if you caught a Bigfoot. So much money. Just think of the merchandise! Lunch boxes, action figures, posters, a reality show. I should start packing a backpack right now, fuck. I want, no – I need to go catch a Bigfoot. This will happen. Ted Flint – Bigfoot hunter. I can see the business cards now. Anyways, I got side tracked the answer is of course take a selfie.

Question from: @Walt_CyKC

At an ISU tailgate: 1. Drink Miller Lite 2.Wear a dress & drink Bud Light 3.Stay Sober? #WWTFD

There are so many variables to this. Let’s run through them. When is kickoff? 11am, 2:30pm, night game? Because if it is a night game, I probably pick out a nice sun dress and start chugging. But if it is an 11am game, I probably dress comfortable and stay sober. But what if it is cold? Can I wear long underwear under this dress? Or do I need to do leggings, or can I even do those? Now I am going to confuse myself, and I am getting too damn tired. How about I just do a ranking here:

  1. Dress with Bud Light
  2. No dress stay sober
  3. Miller lite. This is never the answer. This won’t happen.

Until next time, cheers!

Ted Flint 95 Articles

Site Founder – “The Man With the Plan”

Ted’s friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda” because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He’s also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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