July 22, 2024

The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner

Hey, look at the time. Today is the start of football season!

“But wait, Astounding Fantasy Practitioner,” you might be saying… out loud… weirdly, “didn’t football season start last weekend with all those great college games?” And I say, no, you maladroit rube. That’s not actual football. The NFL is the only football that matters.

That’s right. Put me squarely in the camp — the small, likely sad camp — of people who don’t “get” college football. Maybe it’s because I went to school at a university without a football team. Maybe it’s because I simply cannot accept joy into my cold, dead heart. Whatever the case, the fact is today comes with great relief for yours truly because when the Broncos and Panthers kickoff, the next four months will be filled with professional football and, lucky for you, my even more professionaler fantasy football #taeks.

Now, I’m not one of these newfangled fantasy football experts that use “advanced statistics” or really even “statistics” or “information” at all. No, I like to leave it up to the two things I trust most — my gut, my eye. If you want to read a bunch of bar charts and nerd porn, I don’t know, enroll at MIT’s School of Advanced Yawns. If you want to WIN all the TIME, then listen to ME.

Here are the ground rules:

You’ll hear from me each Monday. I’ll dole out some choice nuggs regarding the week that was, as well as the Monday night slate and the week ahead.

I’ll introduce a feature or features that will recur throughout the season. For example, the… and I’m literally making this up on the spot… The Laura Hall from Whose Line Is It Anyway? Pick-up of the Week. This will be the player I think merits a pickup for the following week that may not be on your radar, and yes, this feature is named after the bandleader from the erstwhile ABC classic Whose Line Is It Anyway? The woman never spoke, and she was a damned treasure.

I encourage you to solicit me for fantasy football advice, but only if you want to WIN. I don’t currently have a Twitter account, so I don’t know, leave your questions in the comments section, and I’ll handle it there. Don’t act like you don’t have fantasy football questions. After all, you don’t want to blame yourself for crappy sit-start decisions, so leave it to me so you have somewhere to direct your anger. Except you won’t have anger because I’ll always be right.

So fire up the Qs, and I’ll shoot back some As, and I swear to god, if that comment section remains empty I’ll just… I’ll… well, I’ll just go home and bite my pillow.

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Astounding Fantasy Practitioner 7 Articles
Former Staff Writer

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