December 15, 2017

The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner: Week 1

Well, here we are. The crazed, nonsensical roulette wheel of fantasy football has started to spin, and we are all trapped.

Theo Riddick over 100 yards and two touchdowns? Okay!

The Seahawks narrowly defeat Miami in Seattle? Sure!

If you’re currently winning Week 1, everything in life has been confirmed. You’ve picked a daisy as you walk down the sidewalk and stuck it in your lapel because heck, why not? If a loss is coming your way, everything is terrible. The world is farts, and parents just don’t understand.

The important thing to remember for the folks in the latter group – you’re doing it wrong. You’re losing this week because you played crappy players. Don’t do that, obviously. Luckily for you, there’s next week. That will be your opportunity to do what you should have done this week and play the right players.

I’m currently winning in all my leagues by 30 points.

Sadly, Week 1 didn’t pass without what looks to be a crushing loss for some fantasy owners and the NFL as a whole. Keenan Allen succumbed to the dreaded non-contact knee injury at Kansas City, and it appears as though a torn ACL will find him relegated once again to his side job as the oldest looking 24-year-old I’ve ever seen. Anyway, we honor Allen as the first victim of this year’s Hunger Games.

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Beyond Keenan Allen’s untimely exit from this season, my other NFL Week 1 fantasy headlines would be:

“Tight Ends Are Hot Garbage”

“The Browns Are The Tight End Of NFL Teams”, and

“I’m Glad I Didn’t Watch The Vikings/Titans Game”

Week 1 will wrap up tonight with a pair of what really could be very crappy games. I mean, Steelers vs. Redskins probably won’t be terrible, but closing out the week with LA and San Francisco? Gross.

So last week, I mentioned a weekly feature named after Laura Hall from Whose Line Is It Anyway? I initially said this would be a player to pick up based on his performance and future outlook, but listen, I don’t know your league, man. I’m sure some of you are in bizarre 30-team leagues where you start four tight ends and guys like Marqise Lee are winning weeks with two catches for 22 yards.

If that’s the case, please ask someone for help. In the meantime, I’ll save us both time and energy by changing this feature to the Laura Hall Underappreciated National Treasure Award because that’s exactly what Laura Hall is, damn it. This feature will now be a player or players that, shoot, really did well for themselves and maybe don’t get the appropriate amount of credit they deserve.

I’m excited to announce that in Week 1, we have a TIE! Wowie!

The inaugural recipients of the Laura Hall UNT Award are Willie Snead and Spencer Ware. Congratulations, guys, as I’m sure you’re reading this.

And that’s it for Week 1. If your fantasy matchups hang in the balance tonight, consider offering your first born child to any passing leprechaun.

Astounding Fantasy Practitioner 7 Articles

Staff Writer

In 1938 Los Angeles, The Astounding Fantasy Practitioner (AFP) found a rocket pack hidden in a bi-plane cockpit. He used the pack to rescue his friend Malcolm, who was drunkenly piloting a bi-plane. This is not the plot summary of The Rocketeer, so don’t bother checking. AFP is the resident fantasy football expert at The Tailgate Society. He’s won every fantasy football contest in which he’s ever participated by at least 30 points. He can bench press more than you. His dad can beat up your dad.

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