May 24, 2017

Manic Pixar Nightmares

Since I was young, I have loved the Pixar films. I make an effort to see every new film in theaters. I didn’t make it to Finding Dory, but that will be fixed as soon as it is released on DVD. Everyone and their mom has written an article counting down the best Pixar flicks, but that isn’t what I am going to do. I am going to rank in descending order which of the protagonists would freak me out most if I encountered them? So without further ado let’s get on with the show.

  1. Let’s start with something we see every day – Flik from “A Bug’s Life”. Everything they show in the movie is from the viewpoint of the ants and other insects. So who am I to say that his story isn’t factual, and I just can’t understand ants? I assume I wander across Flik, and others like him, quite a bit and they don’t scare me.
  1. This might be Pixar’s best movie depending on who you ask, but Marlin from “Finding Nemo” is simply a clown fish. So if I encountered him I wouldn’t think anything of it. Fun fact: I downloaded Finding Nemo on LimeWire my first year in college. I was such a heathen back in the day.
  1. Number ten on my list is Carl Fredricksen from “Up”. He is just a normal old dude who floats his house around the world with balloons after the loss of his…um… Let’s just move on to number nine before I start sobbing uncontrollably.
  1. Coming in at nine on my list is Merida from “Brave”. Merida herself probably wouldn’t scare me because she is just a person. Once it dawned on me that I was talking to a princess from middle age Scotland, it would probably send a chill down my spine. Once she started spouting off about her mom being turned into a bear, and witches, I would probably use my go to excuse to get the hell out of there. I will share that excuse with you because I am a nice dude. You look down at an invisible watch on your arm and calmly explain that everyday around this time your car bursts into flames and you better go check on it. Been using that for a decade -never fails.
  1. “The Incredibles” is my favorite Pixar movie, but this isn’t that kind of list. If ever came across a teenage girl who could turn invisible and a boy who could run super quick you better believe pee would run down my pant leg. “The Incredibles” also has the best dialogue exchange from any Pixar movie.

Lucius: Honey?
Honey: What?
Lucius: Where’s my super suit?
Honey: What?
Lucius: Where – is – my – super – suit?
Honey: I, uh, put it away.
[helicopter explodes outside]
Lucius: Where?
Honey: Why do you need to know?
Lucius: I need it!
[Lucius rummages through another room in his condo]
Honey: Uh-uh! Don’t you think about running off doing no daring-do. We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!
Lucius: The public is in danger!
Honey: My evening’s in danger!
Lucius: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
Honey: ‘Greater good? I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get!

  1. This is where it starts to get weird, and this is where I chose to put the emotions from “Inside/Out”. Let’s say somehow you were piloting the ship from the Dennis Quaid classic “InnerSpace” and came across living and breathing emotions. I think that would be quite the shock to the system. But let’s talk about the most important character from that movie. That is Bing Bong (RIP). If you haven’t see “Inside/Out” Bing Bong is Riley’s imaginary friend. All he wants to do it make Riley happy and he talks about not seeing so much of her since she is getting older. He then goes on to to make the ultimate sacrifice, so that the emotion Joy can get back to headquarters and save the day. Not only does he (die?), but he is forgotten. So Riley will never remember him, or all the fun they had. This truly is heartbreaking. Anyways let’s move on the to the top six!
  1. Our first character in the top half of this list is everyone favorite robot “Wall-E”. You see robots on YouTube just about every day, but none of those robots have emotions, or a robot girlfriend who floats above the ground with a laser rocket arm. Also, how did Pixar not get sued for copying Johnny 5 from the “Short Circuit” films?
  1. I don’t know how many of you have seen “The Good Dinosaur” but the basic jist of it is, that the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs missed the earth. Then the dinosaurs evolved into a something smarter? Hell, I don’t know. This might be the trippiest Pixar movie out there. I think I can handle a bunch of stuff, but a talking Apatosaurus named Arlo? I mean if I ever walked up on that… Hey, look at the time! around this time everyday my car bursts into flames. I better go check on that.
  1. At number four is the biggest cash cow Disney has ever produced. I, of course, am talking about Lightning McQueen, from the movie “Cars”. Soooo many things about this movie freak me out. Let me list a few. First off, where do baby cars come from? Do Cars cross breed with other cars? Where are all the people? Why are there car doors on the cars, but no people? Do they only need gas to survive? The list goes on and on. So damn freaky!!
  1. Number three on the list is everyone’s favorite monsters, Sully and Mike, from the “Monster’s Inc”. You would think years of watching X-files and Unsolved Mysteries would prepare me for an eight-foot tall, green-blue, horned bear. Well, you would be wrong, and a walking, talking, green, one-eyed bowling ball? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.
  1. People consider the “Toy Story” the greatest trilogy of all time. I can see where they are coming from, but let’s be real. In the original “Toy Story” how much freaking psychological damage did they do to Sid, the next door neighbor? I understand he is an ass who is blowing up toys that aren’t his. BUT HE WITNESSES HIS TOYS TALKING TO HIM, SAYING THEY WILL ALWAYS BE WATCHING HIM!! No way that kid sees adulthood except from behind the bars of an insane asylum.
  1. Number one. Imagine you are eating somewhere super nice, and you walk by the kitchen. You see a dude making your supper and he has a FREAKING rat on his head using his hair as some kind of marionette puppet. I mean in the cartoon, Remy from “Ratatouille” is super cute. In the real world rats are not cute!! Especially rats on top of someone’s head. Sorry, I am running out of that place without paying and never coming back. Anyways that is my list feel free to call me stupid in the comments or on Twitter.

ratatouille-2

 

Ted Flint 81 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: