May 28, 2017

Britney Spears’ Lifetime movie cast is garbage

It’s common knowledge by now that Britney Spears will be the focus of a 2017 Lifetime movie.

However, Britney – or Brit Brit – as I like to call her, is not happy about it. Nor should she, since Natasha Bassett will star as Britney in Britney.

You probably have the same reaction I had. Jaw wide open. Filled with rage. Throwing your new glass lamp against the wall. Emptying your ice cube trays all over the kitchen floor in rage. Chucking your pillows off the balcony and tearing out the rug from underneath your table. SHE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE BRITNEY.

Which is why they should just scrap the whole project and let me direct the damn thing. I honestly cannot think of anyone better for the job. I mean, we are talking about the former first grader who didn’t mind getting sick because it meant:

  1. Going to the pharmacy to get bubble gum flavored antibiotics.
  2. Getting to pick out whatever magazine I wanted to keep me preoccupied on my sick day.

You better believe I picked out the thickest magazine on the rack – the $12 magazine telling the story of Britney’s life.

I’m clearly the most qualified option in casting the roles for the two-hour film that will follow Brit Brit from her young Louisiana days, to her first gig on the Mickey Mouse Club, Justin Timberlake heartbreak, struggles through her parents’ divorce, annulled marriage to Jason Alexander, failed marriage to Kevin Federline, the loss of custody of their two sons and, yes, her major comeback.

It’s a big responsibility being in charge of casting a film documenting the most iconic pop princess the world has ever known, and I would not take this responsibility lightly. So hear me out as I give my expert opinion and make some suggestions.

Who would play Britney?

Britney Spears

“But Britney refuses to be involved in this.” I know, I know. Her rep released a statement to US Weekly saying, “Britney Spears will not be contributing any way, shape or form to the Lifetime biopic,” and, “it does not have her blessing.” Oh, but with my artistic touch, it would.

The pop star has acting experience. She can play the funny girl, as we saw in her guest roles on How I Met Your Mother and Will and Grace. She can also play the serious part. Proof? Crossroads.

Okay, hold on. Before you jump to conclusions and bash the 2002 chick flick, let me remind you of who took part in that masterpiece, which raked in $61 million in the box office by the way *hair flip*. The screenwriter was then-unknown Shonda Rhimes (aka: Queen of Everything Good in Television.) For those of you who don’t know, this Queen was also the creator, head writer and executive producer for Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder. Crossroads also starred Zoe Saldana and Taryn Manning, who is most recently known for her role as Pennsatucky in Orange is the New Black.

Britney would have no problem acting out the trials and triumphs of her own life because she already has experience acting in a film that covered teen pregnancy, parental abandonment and the struggles of not being a girl, but not yet a woman. Plus, she’s pretty low maintenance –  the girl apparently asked for two things while on set: tuna Lunchables and edamame. She even wanted to go fetch her own Starbucks. As the director of this new biopic, I’d hire her. And let’s be real, we all want her to reprise her role at the 2001 VMAs when she danced with an albino Burmese python around her neck (flame emojis.)

Jamie Lynn Spears

She’s blonde. She can sing. She can act. She even shares DNA with Miss American Dream Since She Was Seventeen. Jamie Lynn is the obvious pick if Miss Britney herself can’t take a break from her Las Vegas residency show or posting cliché quotes on Instagram.

Both males and females who were tweens and had access to television between the years of 2005 and 2008 crushed on this lovable southern cutie. We know she can act because, well, Zoey 101, duh. As we know, Nickelodeon only hires the classiest, most sophisticated actresses around. As long as Jamie is willing to take time off from writing songs with Jana Kramer, recording Grammy-worthy hits with the big sis and her country music gig resulting in performances at colleges, this role would be great for her.

The only drawback is: Who would play Jamie Lynn? Easy. Her daughter for the early years, and Carrie Underwood for the later years. However, in an ideal world, Jamie Lynn would play herself, meaning that Brit and the lil sis would act alongside one another, screaming at the paparazzi together during the dark part of the film, but most importantly, having fun on set, “laughing so much that they cried; dancing so much till they were tired.” Basically “just chillin’” with each other, ya know?

Michaela Weeks

This Britney look-alike would be amazing as long as the original Britney Jean could provide a voice-over for the entire film since Michaela has a British accent.

Dana Melcher (Me)

Britney is a busy lady, so if she were to play herself but could only devote a small amount of time to the role, Dana would be a great stunt double for years 2004-2008. You know, the phase where Brit put on a little weight, rocked denim cutoffs, wife-beaters and Von Dutch trucker hats while stuffing her face with Frappuccinos and holding her toddler in her lap when driving like a mad woman around L.A.? Dana would be perfect for that. Heck, she’d even take one for the team for this Academy Award-winning film and shave her head for the role. Lastly, she could flawlessly act out the part of the film where Britney was clearly out of shape and stumbling around in a not-at-all-flattering outfit during her Gimme More performance at the 2007 VMAs. It wouldn’t even take practice.

Who would play Kevin Federline?

Kevin Federline

There’s only one option for this role – and it’s K-Fed himself. Why? It’s not from lack of options. Within an hour I could go out on the street and spot a 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse containing a fake diamond stud earring, Ed Hardy, K-Swiss-wearing twenty-something sporting a chinstrap, and he would be good enough to play the role. However, the part would go to the original Kevin Federline because he needs this. The dude has not done much since his divorce from Britney in 2007 unless we count his one album where he “stepped up in the club, so fresh and clean,” his WWE stunts, and appearance on the seventh season of the weight-loss reality show Celebrity Fit Club.

Plus, he also has acting experience. We can’t forget when he played Jason Federline, better known as J-Fed, on One Tree Hill where he slapped Haley’s butt, argued with Nathan and got beat up by Quentin Fields. (RIP, much love forever.) Like I said, Kevin needs this. It may get a little awkward on set with him acting alongside his ex-wife, but think of how convenient that would be when they trade off Sean Preston and Jayden James for the weekend. This film would not only blow critics out of the water but also bring a family together.

Who would play Jamie Lynn Spears?

As discussed earlier, 1. Jamie Lynn 2. A dual effort between Jamie’s daughter, Maddie Briann Aldridge, and Carrie Underwood.

Who would play Justin Timberlake?

Justin Timberlake

Duh. Think about it. Britney and Justin. Side by side. The Princess of Pop with the President of Pop. Pinky and Stinky. (Yes those were their nicknames, you can even ask Oprah about it.) THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. She knew that. Especially in 2001 when she said, “When I see Justin’s grandparents and stuff like that, they’ve been together for freakin’ 80 years, or however many years. That’s so rare these days. I’m gonna have that. I know I’m gonna have that.” Be still, my heart.

As beautiful as this on-screen reunion could be, it’s unlikely. Justin is doing big things and probably would not set aside the time to be in a Lifetime movie. Since the beautiful couple ripped the heart out of America’s chest in 2002, JT has: been in 17 films, co-headlined two tours, headlined four tours, dropped four albums and basically became the owner of MySpace. Unlike K-Fed, JT doesn’t need this film. Britney needs him in this film. We need him in this film.

Matthew Morrison

He has the voice. He has the acting ability. He has the cute curly locks. He’s the next best thing to JT. Just imagine him with bleached tips. Yes. It’s perfect. He hasn’t been up to much since playing Mr. Shuester on Glee. Will he rock the denim suit and cowboy hat as well as the original JT? No, but he can try.

America’s Sweetheart only deserves the best film about her crazy life. Viewers need to feel like they are really in that school hallway, witnessing Britney skip around in that schoolgirl getup. They need to reminisce on their former middle school crush feels, watching adolescent Brit and JT fall in love on the Mickey Mouse Club. They need to be convinced that they have been physically teleported to Mars to see Brit in a red pleather catsuit, receiving the blue diamond from the Titanic from that dreamy astronaut. (“Aw, he shouldn’t have.”) Viewers need to experience the shock during Madonna’s cameo in the movie, and cry Britney’s tears and taste the bubble gum when watching Britney’s heartbreaking interview with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Dateline. In order for that to happen, the film needs a new cast and a new direction. Britney, Jamie Lynn, K-Fed and JT – if you’re in, I’m in.

Dana Melcher 9 Articles
Staff Writer

Dana Melcher is a recently dubbed “adult” and Iowa State grad who shamelessly adores Lisa Frank products, Dawson’s Creek and alternative 90’s music (all of which were popular before she could recite the alphabet.) She enjoys fan-girling at little-known artists’ concerts, drinking wine from boxes and putting down unlimited amounts of Red Lobster cheddar “bae” biscuits. In her free time, Dana can be found wearing sundresses at inappropriate times (at the driving range; in her garden) and talking way too loudly about things that don’t really matter.

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