July 14, 2024

BATTLEDOME: Condiments

After solving the best burrito crisis, the Tailgate Society team decided it was time for another endeavor – condiments. How do you dress your hamburgers and hotdogs?

All the hot takes like #AllCondimentsMatter and ranch dressing hate lie within. Let us know who you agree with in the comments section or on social media. As always, Twitter handles were used in place of names to protect the innocent.



@tedflintkansas: We are here to discuss the proper condiments to put on hamburgers, hot dogs, and to dip fries in. No dick punches or head butts.

@nicolegus2: Well shit, there goes my strategy.

@moldy78: Ok so obvious starting point: ketchup, good or bad?

@_alexgookin: Bad. There, I said it.

@moldy78: I’m pro ketchup.

@reflectivity: GREAT! I’m eating it on french fries right now!

@jtthenutt: Pro ketchup. You can make the world better with ketchup.

@nicolegus2: NO KETCHUP.

@smfen: Not only good, but necessary.

@moldy78: I ate it on steak as a child.

@jtthenutt: I did too as a kid.

@tedflintkansas: Who the fuck hates ketchup?

@nicolegus2: You can do so much better than ketchup. It’s watery garbage.

@jtthenutt: A-1 on a burger.

@moldy78: Have to have ketchup on burgers and hot dogs for me. I also like a small amount of mustard. For fries I mix them up and dip.

@reflectivity: Buy the tarted up, spicy, $5 per bottle shit.

@tedflintkansas: I mean @_alexgookin dips his fries in ranch. Can we respect his opinion?

@nicolegus2: I also dip my fries in ranch. We’re in this together @_alexgookin.

@jtthenutt: Ranch is disgusting. So is sour cream.

@moldy78: With restaurant ranch this is cool.

@tedflintkansas: I mean @_alexgookin dips his fries in ranch. Can we respect his opinion?

@smfen: Ranch has one purpose on this planet and that’s for wings.

@reflectivity: Ranch + hot sauce is a great combo for dipping chicken strips and fries in. Oh, @smfen you messed up now. Thems fightin’ words for the bleu cheese people.

@_alexgookin: I mean, ranch has a large spectrum. A good ranch can be creamy, tangy, rich, soupy – whatever. Ranch is fantastic.

@tedflintkansas: So the two people who hate ketchup, use ranch on fries?


@moldy78: Only buffalo wings though, or you’re a monster.

@smfen: Ranch has one purpose on this planet and that’s for wings.

@nicolegus2: If you only use ranch for one purpose, you are not taking advantage of all its tasty capabilities.

@reflectivity: It’s also excellent for making crappy pizza edible, and stirring into casseroles and shit if you have to go boring.

@nicolegus2: This. ^^^^

@tedflintkansas: Bleu cheese is crap. It’s curdled cheese.



@smfen: Bleu cheese disgusts me to even think about.

@reflectivity: BLEU CHEESE IS THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF AGRICULTURAL MASTERY. Can’t just throw that away.

@_alexgookin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s get back on topic here. We’re talking burgers/hot dogs/fries.

@moldy78: So do we have any anti ketchup on hot dog truthers? Not because you dislike ketchup, but because you’re a weird Chicagoan or whatever. Because ketchup and mustard on a hotdog is like PB&J, or pepperoni on pizza – it belongs.

@arnoldthethird: Hi everyone! Ketchup is the G.O.A.T. on hot dogs and scrambled eggs. Bye everyone!

@jtthenutt: Salsa on scrambled eggs.

@nicolegus2: Mustard on hot dogs. The end.


@jtthenutt: Parmesan cheese on fries.

@tedflintkansas: Have you ever slapped someone for putting mayo on a burger? Just me?

@nicolegus2: I would but I’ve never met the one person who does that.

@_alexgookin: Flavored mayo or GTFO. Like Chipotle mayo or Sriracha mayo.

@jtthenutt: Mayo is gross.

@reflectivity: Mayo has its place on burgers. It helps a mushroom and swiss – for example. Make it garlicky and it’s fantastic.

@tedflintkansas: NO. ^^^^

@jtthenutt: Mayo belongs in a jar at the store – nowhere near me.

@moldy78: Mayo is cool. Like things aren’t all that serious between us, but I call it up every now and then.

@_alexgookin: I personally don’t like mayo on practically anything, but a flavored mayo can really add to a burger.

@nicolegus2: Mayo is only good in dishes – not on a sandwich where you can taste it.

@jtthenutt: How is it good if you can’t taste it?

@nicolegus2: That’s the point.

@reflectivity: Ohhhhh, I love mayo on sandwiches, but GTFO of here with it on hot dogs.

@moldy78: Deli sandwiches – mayo is essential.

@smfen: Sriracha or Cajun mayo is the only mayo I’ll touch.

@jtthenutt: White sauces in general suck.

@reflectivity: This is a broad statement, sir.

@tedflintkansas: Mayo = ranch. Both are trash.


@_alexgookin: Are you anti-white condiments, @tedflintkansas? #AllCondimentsMatter

@tedflintkansas: Name one good one. Tartar sauce – shit. Mayo – shit. Ranch – shit.

@reflectivity: Horseradish.

@_alexgookin: Parmesean garlic sauce is white.

@smfen: Does sour cream count? Then sour cream.

@tedflintkansas: Sour cream is fine. Don’t lump that in @smfen.

@jtthenutt: I love you @tedflintkansas. Although, white wine sauce on chicken – good. All other white sauces are privileged.

@smfen: Mayo is pretty much ranch. I mean, to make ranch it’s like 3/4 mayo.

@moldy78: Actually when you make homemade ranch it’s just milk, seasoning and mayo.


@nicolegus2: Good god, I think some of you have a disease if you think mayo tastes like ranch. Needing mayo to make ranch is not the same as them tasting the same. There are other ingredients. Taste matters, not what it is mostly made up of. I wouldn’t eat plain ass flour, but bread is delicious.

@moldy78: It’s literally half mayo. That’s a major part of the flavor. Flour is only a small part of bread, and it’s baked. Ranch isn’t baked – it’s just stirred up mayo.

@jtthenutt: Has anyone put salsa on a burger? Hot dog? Never done salsa, but I’m going to try it.

@smfen: In a drunken stupor I’m sure I have. Can’t recall specifically.

@_alexgookin: Good salsa on a burger can be fantastic.

@reflectivity: Salsa on burgers can be win. So bringing up Miracle Whip is probably a bad plan, yeah?

@jtthenutt: No.



@tedflintkansas: I assume we all can agree – mustard only thing that goes on brats?

@reflectivity: Oh, Ted.

@_alexgookin: Nope. Relish.

@jtthenutt: Never cared for brats. Sorry.

@nicolegus2: Mustard on brats.

@reflectivity: Relish, the tiniest bit of ketchup, and mustard.

@moldy78: I hate relish and kraut, but that’s my own taste.

@smfen: Have to have ketchup too.

@_alexgookin: I hate ketchup and mustard on anything **ducks**.

@jtthenutt: Ketchup is amazing, but not on pizza. Pizza doesn’t need anymore sauce.

@reflectivity: I don’t understand.

@_alexgookin: I hate ketchup and mustard on anything **ducks**.

@smfen: Ketchup on pizza? The only thing I’ll add to a fine pizza is sriracha and parmesan cheese.

@nicolegus2: Why would you put ketchup on anything when there is mustard, BBQ sauce, hot sauce/sriracha, etc?

@jtthenutt: Gookin? More like Badkin! Amiright?

@_alexgookin: I hate ketchup and mustard on anything **ducks**.

@_alexgookin: Nah, it’s all personally weirdness. I don’t need anybody telling me which condiments suck.

@nicolegus2: If you have to put extra shit on your pizza, you didn’t get good enough pizza.

@smfen: Most of the time when I’m getting pizza, it’s in a group. Not everyone digs the cream cheese, jalapeño, pepperoni pizza.

@tedflintkansas: Bacon cheeseburger pizza with a ketchup/mustard base is **fire emojis**.

@moldy78: Jesus. Just let your pizza be pizza, guys.

@_alexgookin: (extreme Michael Buffer voice) ON THE NEXT #battles: IS PINEAPPLE GOOD ON PIZZA?

@reflectivity: Oh god, cheeseburger pizza is awful. Any kind.

@jtthenutt: Taco pizza.

@reflectivity: Only with a bean base.

@tedflintkansas: Okay, before we close shop. I’m giving the anti-ketchup people one chance to plead their case.

@nicolegus2: We deserve better than ketchup. Together we CAN do better than ketchup. #NeverKetchup

@_alexgookin: Extremely generic, lacking depth of flavor, can appear disgustingly watery, and is generally used in ridiculous portions.

@nicolegus2: What @_alexgookin said also.

@moldy78: You guys need a better ketchup guy. It’s watery?

@tedflintkansas: Also, before I forget – @_alexgookin and @nicolegus2, you are both fired.

@nicolegus2: No, you’re fired. I’m standing up for what I believe in, dammit.

@jtthenutt: You should kneel instead.

@_alexgookin: I’m not even sad, if this is the way I’m going out.

@smfen: That’s why you shake ketchup. It’s not hard.

@moldy78: That’s what she said.

@smfen: That’s why you shake ketchup. It’s not hard

@smfen: On a burger it doesn’t belong, though, because it’ll really mess up the flavor of all the peanut butter you’ve put on it.

@reflectivity: Ketchup is awesome.


@nicolegus2: BBQ sauce on burgers? Yes.

@tedflintkansas: Okay, THAT we can agree on.

@nicolegus2: Hey @deadeyebbqsauce

@tedflintkansas: Speaking of BBQ sauce – this battle was brought to you by Deadeye Premium BBQ Sauce – the best GOT DAMN BBQ SAUCE IN CENTRAL IOWA!

@moldy78: Guess what most BBQ sauces use as a base? That’s right – ketchup.

@nicolegus2: Oh FFS! Mayo is not ranch and ketchup is not BBQ sauce. It’s fine to like something that contains an ingredient you don’t like by itself, but they are not the same thing. We’re done here.


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Tom Danielson 73 Articles
Managing Editor

Every family needs an adult figure. That's Tom's job on this ship. After graduating from Iowa State University, Tom headed down the ‘failed professional golfer' career path before heading back to his calling as an engineer in the great white north (Minnesota). He got his start in blogging at the critically acclaimed site, Wide Right & Natty Lite.  A student of the ‘you can't fail if you don't try' philosophy, there's no better way to describe Tom than a 'Jack of all trades, master of none'.

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