July 23, 2017

BATTLEDOME: Battle for the best cereal

Our TGS Slack chatroom frequently has battles about all sorts of petty issues. After about our 1,582nd argument, we decided that we should start publishing them to get some outside perspective from the readers. So please, feel free to light up the comment section or reply on Twitter/Facebook with all of your cereal #HOTTAKES. This conversation is 100% raw and unedited, outside of names being replaced by Twitter handles. So if you see something you don’t like, you know who to go after.

If you have suggestions for what we should fight about next, hit us up on any social media platform. For now, enjoy our process of identifying the greatest breakfast cereal of them all. Enjoy!

@Arnoldthethird: I’M HERE AND READY TO FIGHT!

@TedFlintKansas: Walks to the mic, taps it, .  “Now before we do this, let’s go over the ground rules. Rule number one! No touching of the hair or face. And that’s it! Let’s do this!” also PEANUT BUTTER CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS THE GOAT!!

@Moldy78: MAN FUCK ORIGINAL CC (Captain Crunch)

@austinnarber: Dude, fuck you.

@tom_danielson: [try not to direct fucks at each other]

@Jared_Leeper: Marshmallow Maties are the GOAT cereal.

@austinnarber: Yo, I can appreciate generic brand bags.

@Jared_Leeper: Lucky Charms can’t hold Marshmallow Maties jock.

@austinnarber: Actually that’s not true.

@Jared_Leeper: An underrated and not talked about enough cereal.

@tom_danielson: Marshmallow Maties made their success by being exactly Lucky Charms with 4% more marshmallows.

@Moldy78: I thought it was like a scavenger hunt game, Do people really eat the stuff that’s not marshmallows?

@Jared_Leeper: And it’s fucking brilliant.

(@tom_danielson: Marshmallow Maties made their success by being exactly Lucky Charms with 4% more marshmallows).

@Jared_Leeper: Reese’s Puffs

@austinnarber: Reese’s Puffs are garbage. It’s like eating a candy bar for breakfast.

@Jared_Leeper: I didn’t say they were healthy.

@austinnarber: Like I’m full after half a bowl. Pass.

@Arnoldthethird: I actually agree with this, but I love Cocoa Puffs.

 (@austinnarber: Reese’s Puffs are garbage. It’s like eating a candy bar for breakfast.)

@tom_danielson: There is nothing underrated about Resse’s Puffs. They’re rated exactly where they should be: Average.

@NicoleGus2: Ummm, Reese’s Puffs are NOT garbage

@tom_danielson: Ted, we’ve been over this PB Captain Crunch ISN’T EVEN THE BEST CAPTAIN CRUNCH, That would be Crunch Berries.

@NicoleGus2: Get out of here with that crunch berries shit.

@Moldy78: Same with coco puffs. Cookie crisp is as far as i go

(@austinnarber: Reese’s Puffs are garbage. It’s like eating a candy bar for breakfast.)

@Arnoldthethird: LEAVE COCO PUFFS OUT OF IT.

@austinnarber: Honestly, Cookie Crisp sucks because you get none of the chocolate flavor.

@tom_danielson: If you want candy for breakfast, go get fucking candy. Are you all 4 years old?

@Jared_Leeper: Forever young.

@tom_danielson: Get some sophistication in your life.

@Jared_Leeper: Speaking of 4 years old.

@tom_danielson: Have some damn Honey Bunches of Oats.

@Jared_Leeper: CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH!!

@NicoleGus2: Ok chocolate cereals don’t even taste like actual chocolate so it’s not like eating dessert for breakfast. Although tbh isn’t that kind of a kid’s dream?

@austinnarber: Let me hit you with my personal heaven real quick. Drinking the bowl of milk after Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

@tom_danielson: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is and always will be the GOAT.

@Arnoldthethird: “I enjoy cardboard pieces with bits of sugar sprinkled on top, not too much sugar though” @austinnarber and @tom_danielson.

@NicoleGus2: Cereal is not for sophistication, y’all.

@reflectivity: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the GOAT cereal and it’s not close.

@Jared_Leeper: Can be replicated as an adult with Fireball and Rumchata.

(@austinnarber Let me hit you with my personal heaven real quick. Drinking the bowl of milk after Cinnamon Toast Crunch.)

@tom_danielson: This isn’t going to be a fun battle if we all agree on Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

@austinnarber: That’s actually a shake at Zombie Burger I think.

@reflectivity: this also causes throwing up oily puke in a taxi: be warned.

(@Jared_Leeper: Can be replicated as an adult with Fireball and Rumchata.)

@tom_danielson: SOMEONE HAS TO HATE IT. OUT YOURSELF, THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.

@NicoleGus2: THIS!!!

(@Arnoldthethird:”I enjoy cardboard pieces with bits of sugar sprinkled on top, not too much sugar though” @austinnarber and @tom_danielson.)

 @Moldy78: French Toast Crunch is great too.

@Arnoldthethird: I’m good with Cinnamon Toast Crunch, can we talk about Kix tho?

@TedFlintKansas: Cinnamon Toast Crunch gets to damn soggy too fast.  Sorry but it is true.

@tom_danielson: Moldy you’re a damn cereal hipster.

@Arnoldthethird: I mean it’s kid tested and mother approved.

@reflectivity: Yes please let’s talk about Kix, my fam was not about that trash cereal life.

@NicoleGus2: Ugh, Kix is lame AF.

@reflectivity: It was all Crispix and Kix.

@TedFlintKansas: Only people that eat Kix have crap moms and dads, one step above Rice Krispies.

@tom_danielson: Kix is garbage.

@Arnoldthethird: Timeout y’all don’t like Kix?

@reflectivity: Dude kix with a banana sliced up in it is bomb.

@Arnoldthethird: Do you not like pizza either? Or America?

@NicoleGus2: It tastes like nothing. Just gross, fake carb bullshit, There’s no flavor.

@tom_danielson: Tasteless little carb balls.

@Arnoldthethird: Fight me right now.

(@NicoleGus2: It takes like nothing. Just gross fake carb bullshit.)

@reflectivity: That’s what the bananas are for!

@Jared_Leeper: Then just eat bananas!!

@austinnarber: Kix is lame but there’s a surprising amount of flavor for being white puff balls.

@NicoleGus2: Pizza has seasoning Arnold!!

 (@arnoldthethird: Do you not like Pizza either? Or America?)

@Jared_Leeper: And pizza is…good.

@tom_danielson: If you have to put bananas in it, the cereal itself is trash.

(@reflectivity: That’s what the bananas are for!)

@NicoleGus2: Well I don’t like bananas either so that’s invalid.

@reflectivity: !!!!!

@TedFlintKansas: SAYS THE MAN WHO LIKES CRUNCH BERRIES!!!!

@tom_danielson: Handjobs are lame, but at least it’s kind of sex.

 (@austinnarber: Kix is lame but there’s a surprising amount of flavor for being white puff balls.)

@Arnoldthethird: How are you gonna come at us for being child like when you like Crunch Berries? @tom_danielson?

@austinnarber: Hoooooo

@Arnoldthethird: Crunch Berries aren’t allowed to be eaten by people over 3 years old, that’s a state law in Iowa.

@tom_danielson: Oh, excuse me for liking a little fruity flavor in the morning and not eating candy for breakfast.

@NicoleGus2: The fake color in those nasty ass crunch berries will probably give us all cancer.

@tom_danielson: No we agreed earlier, the non-marshmallow pieces in Lucky Charms cause cancer.

@Jared_Leeper: No one has even thrown out Fruity Pebbles yet.  I put that shit on my froyo every time.

@austinnarber: They stick to the bowl.

@reflectivity: Pebbles are another cereal that has fallen victim to the knockoff being better.

@austinnarber: More work than it’s worth.

@TedFlintKansas: Because Cocoa Pebbles only exist in this dojo.

@reflectivity: Fruity Dino Bites FTW!

@Arnoldthethird: Let’s keep it 300, Fruity Pebbles are the Tennessee Titans of cereals.

@Moldy78: Fruity Pebbles are very good.

@NicoleGus2: None of this fruit shit even tastes like fruit.

@tom_danielson: OMG Moldy, now you’re just being contrarian.

@Moldy78: Wait a minute: TRIX!!!

@tom_danielson: Don’t do it.

@Jared_Leeper: SILLY RABBIT!

@tom_danielson: I know what you’re gonna say and just don’t.

@TedFlintKansas: AND I SWEAR TO CHIRST IF ONE PERSON HERE SAYS THEY LIKE WHEATIES THEY ARE KICKED OUT OF TGS, DON’T TEST ME.

@austinnarber: Trix needs to go back to when they were actually shaped like fruit.

@tom_danielson: Why would you get Wheaties when you can get Frosted Flakes?

@Jared_Leeper: Wheaties are good….if you dump about 4 spoonfuls of sugar on them.

@austinnarber: Like, oh whoop di fuckin do, you just made colored puff balls instead of actual fruit shapes.

@Arnoldthethird: Never had wheaties

@NicoleGus2: Anything with wheat in the name is super bland.

@TedFlintKansas: Except beer.

@tom_danielson: Also, why would you get Trix when Crunch Berries are right there?

@Jared_Leeper: Wheaties are Frosted Flakes sans Frost.

@tom_danielson: Exactly.

@Arnoldthethird: So just flakes.

@tom_danielson: They just missed a step.

@Arnoldthethird:?

@austinnarber: I see the point here but both remain garbage.

 (@tom.danielson:  Also, why would you get Trix when Crunch Berries are right there?)

@Arnoldthethird: Honey Nut Cherrios y’all.

@NicoleGus2: Frosted Cheerios were the best. RIP.

@Moldy78: Why eat chocolate ice cream when my dog poops on the ground for free.

 (@tom_danielson: Also, why would you get Trix when Crunch Berries are right there?)

@Arnoldthethird: damn me and @nicolegus on the same wavelength

@austinnarber: Yo frosted Cheerios.

@_AlexGookin: French Toast Crunch still the GOAT.

@tom_danielson: Moldy this is hurting our friendship.

@Jared_Leeper: I was a fan of Apple Jacks.

@austinnarber: I threw up Apple Jacks in a Walmart parking lot as a kid and never ate them again.

@TedFlintKansas: They sell this in Korea, only place on the planet.

(@_AlexGookin: French Toast Crunch still the GOAT)

@TedFlintKansas: I don’t have cereal in my house because it won’t last a day. One bowl turns into five bowls.

@austinnarber: That’s what happens with me and Life. I think I’ll have a bowl of Life and watch Hard Knocks.

@Arnoldthethird: I also can’t go with Apple Jacks, that sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby.

@austinnarber: [retrieves bowl #4 with 10 minutes left to go]

@Moldy78: Apple Jacks, like half fruit loops half CTC, also the bad half of both.

@austinnarber: Y’all remember how terrible the Oreo cereal was?

@Jared_Leeper: This sort of thing IS my bag….baby.

@_AlexGookin: Life is legit great.

@TedFlintKansas: So we decided Peanut Butter Captain Crunch is the best right? Even though I think Captain Crunch is an Admiral because of his stripes or some shit.

@tiffanyhurring: I like that disgusting Reese’s sugar balls cereal

@_AlexGookin: No, OG Cap’n is the best

@tiffanyhurring: Tardy to the party.

@Moldy78: Don’t @ me.

20160909_111107

@austinnarber: That looks like dog food.

@_AlexGookin: Reese’s puffs is too sugary for me.

@austinnarber: Same.

@Jared_Leeper: Another vote for Puffs!!!

(@tiffanyhurring: I like that disgusting Reese’s sugar balls cereal.)

@_AlexGookin: Frosted Cheerios can get it forever though, no matter how sugary.

@Moldy78: SIDEBAR: Whole milk or GTFO, Like, objectively 2% is just whole milk with less flavor.

@_AlexGookin: Whole milk FTW. 2% is fine. Anything under is tainted water.

@Arnoldthethird: ISIS made skim milk and you won’t be able to convince me otherwise.

@ChuckJames919: Ok 2% milk is absolutely the right choice of milk. It’s the perfect blend of not being too thick but tasting delicious in cereal (people who just drink milk are weird).

@tiffanyhurring: Gosh I love almond milk the most of all milks, but when I buy it I feel like I’m perpetuating the artisan Brooklyn douche stereotype so yeah whole milk FTW.

@TedFlintKansas: If they bottled cereal flavored milk I would buy that by the gallon.

@tiffanyhurring: There’s a bakery near my apartment that does that. It’s absolutely outrageous and perfect.

@TedFlintKansas: Wait, what? Can we look into mailing that?

@_AlexGookin: Wait… are you serious?

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@TedFlintKansas: [breathing heavily]

@tiffanyhurring: So expensive, but so good.

@Jared_Leeper: That is amazing.

@_AlexGookin: Gawddam!

@Arnoldthethird: Lol Brooklyn is wild, bruh.

@_AlexGookin: Corn Flakes milk would be pretty uninspiring IMO.

@tiffanyhurring: Brooklyn is fucked.

@_AlexGookin: BATTLE TIME: Soft bacon is the best bacon and YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG OTHERWISE

@reflectivity: [puts on armor and picks up my sword]

Gookin comes in hot, but that is an argument for another time. We hope you enjoyed our first battle. Remember, if you have suggestions, let us know in the comments or on social media!

Ted Flint 92 Articles
Site Founder - "The Man With the Plan"

Ted's friends often refer to him as the “Angry Panda" because of his cuddly, teddy bear-like nature and his fierce loyalty to those close to him. He's also not afraid to bite if you cross him or any of his allies. Born and bred in small town, southeastern Iowa, Ted took his Iowa State degree and moved to Kansas of all places. Ted loves to hold on to those small town roots though, by refusing to acknowledge any music made after 2005. His major goals include making the internet fun again, seeing the Cubs win a World Series live, and having a beer with Jon Stewart. This website is a step toward one of those goals.

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