June 25, 2017

SATIRE: Myths and facts about women and football

When the leaves turn, the weather cools, and the eyes of a lot of menfolk are drawn to their TV’s, wouldn’t it be nice if the girls could get in on the fun as well? Football is a cultural juggernaut, and missing out just because sportsball is a “man thing” isn’t an option anymore. Not only does love of the game draw amazing athletes to the field, it also draws many more people to watch and cheer those athletes on.

Understanding football and a woman’s place in the surrounding hoopla can open up social and even career opportunities for the savvy lady who is willing to small talk about more than lipstick and shopping! This article of myths and facts will help you to understand how to fit in the social situations that football brings, and keep the eyes of your man on you and off the luscious bespandexed ass on the field as much as possible.

Myth:

  • Women don’t like football because it violates their delicate sensibilities.

Fact:

  • Some women don’t like football for the same reason some men don’t like football – it’s just not their thing. These are inferior people and should be shunned. Only associate with them on weekdays and never invite them to a tailgate or football party.

Myth:

  • Football is too complex for the female mind to comprehend.

Fact:

  • Football is a complex game to understand every rule and nuance of no matter what’s between your legs and in your brain, but catching enough of the basics to enjoy oneself isn’t so hard. Two teams of eleven men take the field, one set on offense, and one on defense. The Quarterback throws the ball, the wide receivers catch it, and the running backs run it. Defenders try to stop them. If everyone on-screen is just standing around, its either a time out or a video review. Just turn on ESPN as your background noise, become Twitter addicted from August through February and then parrot those hot takes for a few weeks until you feel comfortable making up your own. Also, make sure to never ask questions to those around you – this is why you pay for a data plan and know how to google things. Nobody wants to answer some dumb girl’s questions about what a safety is.

Myth:

  • Women shouldn’t go to football games because it ruins the guy’s good time. Girls get bored, talk too much, and become distracting to those around us.

Fact:

  • Ladies, if you can remember to act like an adult human being in public the rest of the time, you’re welcome at football games just like the boys! As long as you don’t talk too much or yell too loud or wear the wrong thing or get in a man’s way or misunderstand something. Normal being female in public rules apply.

Myth:

  • A woman’s job when her man is hosting the party is to keep the drinks flowing, the food hot, and to stay out of the way, no matter how drunk and stupid everyone gets or how many knick-knacks get broken along the way.

Fact:

  • The women’s job during a party is all of those things, plus making sure any kids and other women are taken care of and entertained, that there is enough food for everyone showing up, that the beer fridge and nacho cheese dip is never empty, and also cleaning up after everyone. We wouldn’t want ants, would we?! Besides, your man will appreciate that you took over the nuts and bolts of hosting, while still allowing him credit for it in front of his friends. Sure, you’ll miss most of the game, but if you girls would stop fucking around with the dishwasher and get the shot glasses clean already, you’ll catch most of the fourth quarter.

Myth:

  • Women are only interested in sports because they’re jock-chasing gold diggers.

Fact:

  • Women are interested in sports for many reasons, including pink jerseys and blinged out team gear, to enjoy being quizzed and spoken down to and made to prove their fandom over and over, and to keep their eye on their man and keep him away from those other women. But never, under any circumstances, because they actually enjoy sport, community pride, competition, pageantry, and fun.

With those myths cleared up, it’s time to glue some team colored rhinestones to your faces, put on some lipstick, buy a sundress and some cowboy boots, cook enough sausage for a small army, and become part of the scene! It’s almost time for kickoff. Happy football!

Tami Dooley 68 Articles
Chief Shade Officer

Tami is a 5th generation Idahoan, who is pretty sure these guys think Idaho is somehow Iowa, but is rolling with it. She lives in Boise with her husband and their poodle and is a rabid Boise State fan. After a short but illustrious career of standing in remote places holding a stop sign, Tami now holds a respectable job and feigns adulthood on a regular basis. When she isn't working or writing, she's cussing about the state of the world, playing softball, or in the kitchen, drinking whiskey and taking obnoxious pictures of dinner for Instagram.

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