December 16, 2017

Big 12 expansion is a reality show

What a wild 24 hours it’s been. After expansion talks were seemingly on life support as little as two days ago, it was announced yesterday that the Big 12 Board of Directors formally authorized Commissioner Bob Bowlsby to gather information on potential schools to join the conference.
Let’s be honest-the Big 12 at this point is as unpredictable as a reality dating show when it comes to potentially adding or not adding schools. What’s that you say? You want a breakdown of a few potential schools in a reality dating show format to see who will eventually join the league? With Bowlsby as Flavor Flav/random Bachelorette and the Big 12 Athletic Directors as the producers of the show? Well you’re in luck. TGS has the breakdown.

University of Central Florida

UCF has been waiting her whole life for this moment, and they aren’t going to waste it. After two years of auditions, false starts; hope being given and snatched away seconds later-the time has finally come. UCF is located in Orlando, FL-so obviously this is the spray-tanned party girl who wears giant sunglasses indoors.

Always down for a Wednesday night drink special, UCF will probably make it past several rounds of consideration, only to be informed that they didn’t make the official short list sometime this November (aka Episode 4). Lucky for her, she becomes such a popular candidate with the American audience that other conferences want to give her, her own show!

Congrats UCF-you just became a college football expansion/reality TV star. I hear the Pac-12 is already contacting your agent.

Colorado State University

CSU is the guy who is trying to get his act together, treat a girl right and leave his bro-ways behind-but the life just keeps calling him back.

A recent uptick in attendance for this university equates to CSU getting a “dope” (his words, not mine) new 2016 Dodge Charger right before the show started, which he claims he loves more than his 4-year-old nephew. He occasionally (re: weekends and bachelor parties) smokes-he does live in Colorado after all.

After receiving word from the producers that he’s not a serious candidate and was only invited to appeal to the bro-demographic, CSU storms off the set, yells a fake deep quote (“I GOTTA DO ME, CAUSE Y’ALL ARE FAKE AND THE FAKE ONES NEVER SEE THAT REAL NEVER GIVES UP”), clips his white sunglasses to his v-neck polo, and rides his Charger off into the sunset.

Brigham Young University

Oh, we all know who BYU is. From the mountains of Utah, BYU loves fishing, stock car racing, and Miller Lite (don’t tell his parents about that last one though!).

BYU has the handsome, innocent qualities of the boy next door-who has no idea Australia is both a country AND a continent and can’t name a single member of the Wu-Tang Clan. BYU’s favorite band is The Lumineers because of course it is. Not well liked at first-BYU rides a wave of momentum and somehow lands in the top three of the competition, ultimately gaining entrance into the Big 12. Congrats BYU!

One strange thing, however-did anyone else notice that BYU was curiously absent from all of the Sunday episodes of the show? Weird.

University of Houston

New money with a big, confrontational personality. UH is that contestant you love to hate.

She storms through the house on a rampage and leaves the other schools wondering how the producers ever let her on the show. UH’s dad is a recently wealthy construction contractor whose small business got a massive boost when Jerry Jones got drunk in Houston one night and agreed to build an airport right in the heart of downtown. You signed the contract already-no take-backs Jerry. UH is a master manipulator who pits the other schools against each other as she slowly climbs her way into the top three.

After some deliberation, a water skiing date, and dinner at the nicest Olive Garden in Dallas, Houston gets the call-she’s in! Love her or hate her, you have to respect her. Salute UH.

University of Memphis

The dark-horse candidate! Memphis has all the attributes you want in a competitor-but do we really know her?

She used to work a high level job at Fed-Ex and loves blues music, but she remains a mystery. Memphis is the one sipping a vodka Sprite at the bar while the other contestants get black out drunk. She gets into a fight with BYU after he says that global warming was made up by Al Gore in order to sell t-shirts. Really, BYU? A fan favorite, Memphis is somehow let go right before the final episode. Internet outrage ensues, and #SaveMemphis becomes a thing on Twitter for 4 and a half hours.

Farewell Memphis, we hardly knew ye.

University of Cincinnati

Cincinnati is from Ohio and goes out of his way to let everyone know that the first day in the house.

He tries so hard to be interesting and is a bit of a know-it-all, but all the other schools/contestants think he’s actually hiding the fact that he’s boring. Credit to him though, he actually turns into the good guy of the house; settling arguments (he sided with Memphis in the great Al Gore debate) and making sure that he calls the Ubers every time the group leaves the bar. The producers love him, but will Bowlsby? It remains to be seen until the final episode, where it’s revealed that he was the favorite all along.

Cincinnati gains acceptance into the Big 12. What a crazy ride this show was! Just phenomenal television. After showing no emotion the entire season, Cincinnati cries an abnormal amount and everyone gives him weird looks. Let it all out, Cincy. You earned it.

Arnold Woods 23 Articles

Editor

Arnold is a Des Moines, Iowa native by way of Cape Girardeau, Missouri. One of the many Iowa State University graduates that contributes to the site, Arnold is a big fan of Prince, the NBA and food. As a child, Arnold wanted to grow up to be Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” and according to him, that’s exactly what happened. Never one to shy away from controversial topics, Arnold would like you to know that he is firmly against holograms of dead celebrities.

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